EPISODE 9/10/01
Simon Finds Katie With Bruno

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September, 2001


MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 10, 2001

Scene 1:
Place: Oakdale, Illinois
Location: Lakeview Hotel
Scene: Penthouse suite.

MRS. KATIE PERETTI FRASIER AND BRUNO

>> Katie: That was fun. But we're never gonna get any wine made if we keep getting distracted.
>> Bruno: Just my luck. A perfectionist.

SIMON FRASIER, MRS. KATIE PERETTI FRASIER, AND BRUNO PORTOLANO

>> Simon: Hey!
>> Katie: Simon! Oh, you're hurt. Are you hurt? Are you okay? What happened?
>> Bruno: I'm gonna hate myself for asking, but who is this?
>> Katie: My husband.
>> Bruno: Oh, okay. I better get going. Look, I don't know what's up with you two, but this is the most fun I've ever had standing up, so if it doesn't work out, call me. You have my card. I'm gonna leave you another one, just in case. Ciao.

SIMON FRASIER AND MRS. KATIE PERETTI FRASIER

>> Simon: Ah!
>> Katie: Simon! What happened? Are you okay? You're totally hurt!
>> Simon: No, no, you tell me -- who was that guy you were kissing?
>> Katie: Oh, the guy that just left? That's Bruno. We've been dating.

Scene 2:
Scene: Penthouse

SIMON FRASIER AND MRS. KATIE PERETTI FRASIER

>> Simon: So his name was Bruno, and you've been dating?
>> Katie: Nothing serious. Just a chance meeting at the lounge downstairs, a few glasses of wine, a walk under the stars. It's an Italian thing, you wouldn't understand.
>> Simon: And you would? You're not Italian, Katie. You're as American as cherry pie.
>> Katie: Apple.
>> Simon: Whatever.
>> Katie: And, yes, you are technically right, but I do have Italian roots, as does he, which makes us simpatico. That means we understand each other.
>> Simon: Yeah, I know what it means. I have a knife wound, not a lobotomy.
>> Katie: Anyway, one thing led to another -- a knife wound?!
>> Simon: No, no, don't you get off the subject. What thing led to another -- another what thing?
>> Katie: Being Italian led to making wine in my bare feet like the peasant women used to do.
>> Simon: Well, at least you're wearing your bikini like the old peasant women used to do.
>> Katie: That was Bruno's idea.
>> Simon: Yeah, I bet it was.
>> Katie: Grape juice stains.
>> Simon: So what do you call it? Cabernet de infidelity? Suppose your new boyfriend doesn't know you have a husband.
>> Katie: Oh, yeah, and he's totally cool with it.
>> Simon: Oh, good.
>> Katie: He goes by the European philosophy. You know, he says, "Marriage is for making babies, but making love I
>> Simon: Well, you see, now I get it. He's a poet.
>> Katie: You don't mind, do you? I mean, you always said that ours is not a real marriage. Right?
>> Simon: Yeah, right.
>> Katie: Here, let me help you. Would you relax? Are you going to tell me what happened or what?
>> Simon: All I can say is never eat at the Cafe Dell'arte.
>> Katie: You were protecting Lily.
>> Simon: Something like that.
>> Katie: And now, you're back, without her?
>> Simon: Yes. Lily's still in Malta, but she's found Holden. And they're going to be okay. Can you please help me up?
>> Katie: Sure. Here, let me see that. Ow.
>> Simon: It's not -- it's actually not that bad. Ow! Ow! Ow! Okay, it's bad. Just don't touch it.
>> Katie: Okay, well, you're gonna need a new dressing, all right? I can do that. Here, just lean on me. I can hold your weight. Did you miss me?
>> Simon: Yes. Yes, I did.
>> Katie: Good. Because after we get that cleaned up and get you a new dressing, we're going to have a little talk.
>> Simon: About?
>> Katie: Our future, of course.

Scene 3:
Scene: Penthouse suite.

MRS. KATIE PERETTI FRASIER AND SIMON FRASIER

>> Katie: I hope Lily appreciates all that you've done for her.
>> Simon: She's probably sending me a "thank you" note right now. I'm sure she's thankful.
>> Katie: I just mean that -- it must be an amazing feeling to have someone care about you so much that they would risk their lives for you. I wouldn't know, you've never taken a knife for me.
>> Simon: Well, I really don't want to make a habit of it, do I?
>> Katie: Guess not. Done.
>> Simon: Ow! Thanks. You're a regular Florence Nightingale. Only blonder.
>> Katie: Well, it's all part of the whole deal, right? The whole "Sickness and health" clause? So you're all bandaged up, all cleaned up. And now, I guess it's time for the next part of the agenda.
>> Simon: Oh. Oh, yeah. The talk.
>> Katie: Yeah. Things are different between you and me. Different good. Oh, come on, you just rhino-charged a guy for kissing me. And only two types of guys would do that -- one -- a brother, or two -- a man in love.
>> Simon: Yeah, well, I definitely don't see you as my sister, do I?
>> Katie: Well, good, we're getting somewhere. How do you see me?
>> Simon: I see you in lots of ways, Katie. Unfortunately, some of them are kind of off limits right now.
>> Katie: Right. 'Cause you took the knife for Lily -- always, always Lily.
>> Simon: Please, there is not point going there, Katie.
>> Katie: Fine. It's just that you love to protect her from everyone, including me. And every time she whistles, you abandon me. Yet, when I want to invite someone over to stomp on some grapes, you go all testosterone.
>> Simon: That wasn't testosterone, it was surprise. That's all. It was just surprise.
>> Katie: All right. Well, you'll just have to get used to it then, because Bruno's has got some very hot Italian blood that he is very anxious to introduce me to. He's pretty gorgeous. Too, don't you think?
>> Simon: I don't know. He's not my type.
>> Katie: And he has lots of money.
>> Simon: Oh.
>> Katie: Lots.
>> Simon: Well, that's very exciting.
>> Katie: And a Ferrari.
>> Simon: Is it red?
>> Katie: I don't know, but he promised to let me drive it.
>> Simon: And there goes an end to that affair.
>> Katie: Simon, I'm not joking. Bruno Portolano --
>> Simon: Bruno Port -- you're kidding? That's his name? Katie, this -- this godfather wannabe, he's just a -- he's a con man.
>> Katie: Oh, really?
>> Simon: Yes.
>> Katie: A con man?
>> Simon: Yes.
>> Katie: What's he conning me from? All the money in my bank account? My stocks and bonds? My trove of hidden assets? I don't have any.
>> Simon: You've got plenty of assets, Katie. And two of them are kind of not very hidden right now. So what do you want? Me to say that I love you, that I want you to be my wife in every way? Or else you'll be with Bruno?
>> Katie: No. I don't have to play games like that anymore to get a guy's attention, 'cause someone actually cares about me. And he cares about everything, not just the obvious things. He cares about my soul.
>> Simon: You're serious? You think he poured over a bathtub full of grapes because he cares about your soul? Katie, he wanted to watch you jump up and down in a tiny bikini is what he wanted.
>> Katie: Yeah, well, you know what? You are exactly right, because the minute I walked into the bathroom in my tiny little bikini, he couldn't get his eyes off of me. And you know, Simon? It felt great.

Scene 4:
Scene: Penthouse suite.

MRS. KATIE PERETTI FRASIER AND SIMON FRASIER

>> Katie: I can't find Bruno's number. I wonder if he left it in the bathroom. I don't wanna lose it.
>> Simon: I know what you're trying to do, Katie.
>> Katie: Oh! Yes, here it is. Oh, I wonder if the salon downstairs could take me with such short notice. I think I wanna wear my hair up tonight. He has a plane, so maybe we can go to dinner in Chicago --
>> Simon: Oh, you're trying to do the same thing with this Bruno drip that you did with that drunk guy you dragged home from Yo's. And, look, it didn't make me jealous then, and it's not gonna make me jealous now.
>> Katie: I'm not trying to make you anything, Simon.
>> Simon: Okay, then what are you trying to do? What, you meet this Bruno guy and you fall in love with him? Is that it?
>> Katie: Could be. Eventually. If that's the way it goes. If that's the way I want it to go. It's kinda nice to have someone interested in me for once. To have someone that's not telling me what I do wrong all the time, and someone who's not taking off all the time, and someone who -- why do you even care?

CRAIG MONTGOMERY AND CASS WINTHROP ENTERS

>> Craig: We're in good shape, Cass. We've got all the chips on our side with the table -- Simon! Welcome back. You just get in?
>> Simon: So how ya been, Craig?
>> Craig: Forget about me. What about you? You cut yourself shaving?
>> Simon: Yeah.
>> Katie: Oh, please. Craig, if you're done with you're little comedy routine, do you think you could -- we were having a private conversation.
>> Craig: Oh, I'm sorry. I thought I was in my house. Oh, wait. Here's an idea. You have your own apartment on the other side. Why don't you use your own entrance there for your conversations? Might be private.
>> Katie: Okay, fine. Let's get out of here.
>> Craig: Oh, oh, wait! Wait, Simon. Simon.
>> Simon: Ha, ha, ha. What is it?
>> Craig: A check, man! What do you think? It's made out for $25,000. Consider it the first installment of what I owe you. And I will continue to send them, wherever you are, until my debt is paid.
>> Simon: What do you mean, wherever I am?
>> Craig: You're free, Simon. You can leave Oakdale. Isn't that what you want?

Scene 5:
Scene: Penthouse suite

MRS. KATIE PERETTI FRASIER, SIMON FRASIER, CRAIG MONTGOMERY, AND CASS WINTHROP

>> Katie: That's it, isn't it? The getaway car. The golden parachute you've been waiting for.
>> Simon: I'm really not in a fit state to travel right now, am I? I've got -- I've got a lot to figure out.
>> Katie: Yeah. Fine. Well, I'm gonna be in the salon downstairs. And then I'm probably gonna go to Bruno's. Ciao.
>> Simon: Katie, please wait. Just --
>> Katie: Oh, Craig. There's about 60 pounds of grapes in your bathroom. So you might want to call housekeeping.
>> Craig: 60 pounds of grapes in the bathtub. Call housekeeping. Got it.
>> Katie: Yep. Great. Well, bye all.
>> Simon: Katie, please, can we just --

CRAIG MONTGOMERY AND SIMON FRASIER

>> Craig: Trouble in paradise?
>> Simon: Paradise. Now, that'd be nice.

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September, 2001