EPISODE 11/6/00
A Broken-Hearted Simon Turns To Katie

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November, 2000


MONDAY, NOVEMBER 6, 2000

Scene 1:
Location: Sparky's garage in Milltown.

SIMON FRASIER, MISS KATIE PERETTI, AND I.N.S. AGENT HALLOWELL

>> Agent Hallowell: Immigration and naturalization service. I just need to ask your friend Mr. Frasier a few questions.
>> Simon: Sure. What kind of questions?
>> Agent Hallowell: You're a hard man to track down, Mr. Frasier. How long have you been at this address?
>> Simon: I just moved in. Yeah, I was staying at a hotel, the Lakeview.
>> Agent Hallowell: You wanted to move someplace nicer? So you moved into an apartment next to a repair shop?
>> Simon: Look, is there a problem, Mr. --
>> Agent Hallowell: Agent Hallowell. The owner of this garage tells me you've been working here. Is that true?
>> Simon: Yeah.
>> Agent Hallowell: How long have you been employed here?
>> Simon: A few weeks. Look, if you want exact number of days, I'm really gonna have to check. What's this all about?
>> Agent Hallowell: Could I see some identification? [Simon shows the Agent some identification] You're a native of Australia, sir?
>> Simon: Yep.
>> Agent Hallowell: And you've been in the U.S. Since?
>> Simon: Feb this year.
>> Katie: Ah -- what's with all the questions?
>> Agent Hallowell: We just want to make sure that Mr. Frasier has the legal right to enjoy our good old American hospitality. Sorry to have bothered you so late. And we will be in touch.

Scene 2:
Location: Sparky's Garage

MISS KATIE PERETTI AND SIMON FRASIER

>> Simon: He fades, he shoots, he scores! And the crowd goes wild!
>> Katie: What are you doing? You just threw away a card from a Federal Agent.
>> Simon: No, no, no, I didn't. I just won the NBA championship for the Bulls.
>> Katie: What are you doing? You've got to be serious about this. You're gonna have to get a lawyer.
>> Simon: Why? Why, nobody's accusing me of anything.
>> Katie: Yet. Simon, you can't just ignore the guy.
>> Simon: Look, I can't even afford a "Legal Defense for Dummies" handbook.
>> Katie: So you get a Pro-Bono case.
>> Simon: Look, they are usually reserved for citizens of the good old U.S. Of A. You know, I must admit, this has got a nice, little ironic twist to it.
>> Katie: And that would be?
>> Simon: I finally decided to wait around and wait for her to come to me. You know, I wanted her to lie awake at night, thinking of me, wanting me. Now, it looks like I'll get booted out of her life, whether I like it or not. And that's not a classic love story ending.
>> Katie: You know, I'd just love, so love to ask you who you're talking about, but unfortunately, I know.
>> Simon: Lily.
>> Katie: You know, I have got to get the name of this chick's perfume. She has got hot guys drooling all over her. And she's not even a blonde.
>> Simon: Yeah. Well, whatever happens with this immigration thing -- you know, it's not life or death. Moving on is nothing new for me.
>> Katie: What are you talking about? You're not gonna have to leave. Lily will just get you a lawyer, and they'll keep it in court for years.
>> Simon: Oh, no, no, that is not an option.
>> Katie: Why not? Lily would do it in a second, she's rich, she'll get you the best.
>> Simon: Look, I'm not putting either one of us in that position. Okay?
>> Katie: Well, well -- chivalry is not dead.
>> Simon: Look, contrary to popular belief, okay, I do not give a flying fig about Lily's fortune.
>> Katie: Really. Well, they sure don't grow 'em like you in Oakdale.
>> Simon: Yeah. And what kind do they grow?
>> Katie: Don't ask.
>> Simon: You know what's really sad about this? After all these years, I've finally found someone that I adore, someone that I'll be crazy about for the rest of my life, and we never even got a chance to really be together.

Scene 3:
Location: Sparky's Garage

MISS KATIE PERETTI AND SIMON FRASIER

>> Katie: Wait, wait. Not even once? You mean the whole time that you were on that island, you really were a starving man?
>> Simon: Yeah, yeah, laugh it up. Look, there were moments --
>> Katie: Oh, I'm sure. I'm sure that Lily threw you a few crumbs. She's -- that's so like her. She's such a prude. I mean, it's not like anybody had to know if you got any. She could've just loosened up and enjoyed the moment. But instead, she had to like -- keep continuing saintly thing.
>> Simon: Look, don't trash her. Okay?
>> Katie: Oh, sorry, excuse me. Chill out. We're having a conversation. We're having a few laughs. Oh, this whole town is so uptight, including your precious Lily. I think the whole town needs to have one huge, collective nervous breakdown and start over.
>> Simon: Oh, you are quite the little therapist, aren't you?
>> Katie: Please? Were you always this serious, or did you catch it from Lily? Come on, we're just having a few laughs?
>> Simon: Yeah, well, come on, say something funny.
>> Katie: Oh. I just want to see you smile. I just want to enjoy each other's company and not worry about what it means or what it doesn't mean. Let's just relax, and have fun and not worry about what's going to happen in the next few days or the next few minutes.
>> Simon: In other words, love the one you're with?
>> Katie: Exactly. And if it feels good, fake it. I mean, do you really think that Lily would care if we had a little make out session in the back of this heap? I'm serious. She's home with Holden, stroking his ego and thanking him so much for standing by her side while she decides whether she wants to be with you or not.
>> Simon: Look, I thought we weren't going to talk about that.
>> Katie: We're not. Why would we want to talk about that? Because Holden and Lily are pathetic. And we're not much better, wasting good beer and cushy backseat, talking about Oakdale's Ken and Barbie.
>> Simon: You want another?
>> Katie: Okay. If you are going to sulk into this depression over and over and over again and not even take advantage of my short little skirt, then I'm out of here. I am going home wherever that is.
>> Simon: Whoa, whoa. You are in no state to go anywhere.
>> Katie: Don't try and stop me.
[Katie tries to get out of the car and falls back down again]
>> Simon: No, no. Look -- there is no way that I'm putting you behind a wheel of a car.
>> Katie: Fine. Then you drive me.
>> Simon: No. Look, I'm already in enough trouble with the law already.
>> Katie: Okay. Then you're stuck with me. You're stuck with me all night. Fine. Whatever. Is there a cot around here or something?
>> Simon: Look, we'll figure something out.
>> Katie: Because I'm very fuzz -- I'm very fussy about where I sleep.
>> Simon: I'll see what I can do. Okay?
>> Katie: You really are a gentleman.
>> Simon: Don't bet on it.
[Thunder crashes]

Scene 4:
Location: Sparky's Garage

MISS KATIE PERETTI AND SIMON FRASIER

>> Katie: Wait. Wait, wait.
>> Simon: Wait? What for? What? [Katie takes out a condom] You carry that with you?
>> Katie: Well, a girl can never be too safe. And I've been carrying this one for a long time.
>> Simon: Yeah, yeah, let me have a look. Let me hold it up to the light, are you sure it doesn't have Holden's name carved into it?
>> Katie: Oh, please, very funny. Very funny. So, do you want me to -- or --
[Simon gets rod of the condom and continues to make out with Katie]
>> Simon: Where were we?
>> Katie: Right here. Come closer baby I can't hear you.
>> Simon: You cold?
>> Katie: A little.
[Song playing the background]
Just another whisper if you please.
Don't worry about the details, darling.
You got the kind of mind I love to read.
Talk is cheap baby, and times expensive why waste another minute more.
Life's too short to be so apprehensive love's as much the symptom darlin' as the cure
Oh, baby, when I feel this feeling

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November, 2000