EPISODE 11/16/00
Katie Offers To Marry Simon To Keep Him In The Country

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Simonscript
November, 2000


THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 16, 2000

Scene 1:
Location: Sparky's garage in Milltown.

SIMON FRASIER AND MISS KATIE PERETTI

>> Katie: Simon Frasier, this is your lucky day. You're looking at the answer to your prayers.
>> Simon: Somehow I doubt that.
>> Katie: Oh, you're looking for a way to stay in the states, correct?
>> Simon: Katie, thanks for all your help, but I'm sure I can find a lawyer in town that can help me deal with the whole I.N.S. Thing.
>> Katie: Well, I took the liberty of speaking to one for you.
>> Simon: You did?
>> Katie: Mm-hmm. My brother-in-law, legal eagle that he is, found a little loophole for you to squeeze through.
>> Simon: Yeah, and what's that?
>> Katie: Marry me.

Scene 2:
Location: Sparky's garage in Milltown.

SIMON FRASIER AND MISS KATIE PERETTI

>> Simon: Marry you?
>> Katie: Yep.
>> Simon: Wow, Katie, this is a really, really generous offer. And I appreciate your enthusiasm and everything, but --
>> Katie: But what?
>> Simon: But there is no way in the world that I'm gonna marry you.
>> Katie: It's for a green card.
>> Simon: It's out of the question.
>> Katie: You haven't even thought about it.
>> Simon: I don't need to. I don't need -- look, my hearing with the I.N.S. Hasn't even been set yet, and I can work out something before it does.
>> Katie: Actually, you can't. My source said that this is the only way for you to stay in the country.
>> Simon: But there is always some other way.
>> Katie: Look, it's not like I'm asking you for a commitment or something. I mean, it wouldn't be a real marriage. And it could be kind of fun. I mean, you have your life, I have mine. It's all the perks with none of the hassle.
>> Simon: Do you hear what you're proposing?
>> Katie: Yes. I would be your pseudo-wife in a completely fake marriage.
>> Simon: Oh, right. It's, like, kind of a cut-and-practice, yeah, for the real thing. You know, like a dress rehearsal of sorts.
>> Katie: If that's the way you want to look at it.
>> Simon: I don't want to look at it any way.
>> Katie: I think it's a terrific idea.
>> Simon: All right. Okay. Out with it.
>> Katie: What are you talking about?
>> Simon: Okay, there is no way that you would sacrifice your singlehood if there wasn't something in this little arrangement for you, so let's hear it.

Scene 3:
Location: Sparky's Garage in Milltown.

MISS KATIE PERETTI AND SIMON FRASIER

>> Katie: Why are you so suspicious of me?
>> Simon: I think I have every reason to be.
>> Katie: You don't trust me because Lily doesn't. She and I have run into each other, what, twice here now, right? Did I ever mention the twist that you and I put on trick-or-treat? No. Well, she's not gonna find out from me.
>> Simon: I know, because she found out from me.
>> Katie: You told her about us?
>> Simon: No, not about us. There were no names. I just said there was another woman, that's all.
>> Katie: Phew! Well, what are you trying to do? Give me a heart attack? How'd she take it?
>> Simon: I don't want to talk about it, all right?
>> Katie: Okay. Well, let's talk about us then. Why do I want to marry you?
>> Simon: Yeah, I believe that was the question.
>> Katie: Well, I think because I would be helping out my only friend in the world out of one of the biggest jams of his life.
>> Simon: And? And?
>> Katie: There is no "And." You want an "And." Okay. And maybe -- well, it might be nice to be living out on my own with someone that I actually enjoy spending time with -- novel idea. So that's it. That's what Katie gets out of it -- freedom and maybe some wedding presents, and a good feeling in my heart knowing that I did a good deed.
>> Simon: And what about Lily?
>> Katie: I thought we weren't gonna talk about her.
>> Simon: Yeah, except for one crucial point. You're talking about marriage, and I am completely in love with another woman.
>> Katie: Well, I don't care about Lily. And what does love have to do with this anyway? By the way, as a matter of fact, Ms. Lily Snyder cannot help you right now. Ms. Katie Peretti can. I'm your golden ticket.
>> Simon: No.
>> Katie: Don't be so hasty. I am going to show you what a few well-placed phone calls can do.

Scene 4:
Location: Sparky's Garage in Milltown

MISS KATIE PERETTI AND SIMON FRASIER

>> Katie: Yes, yes, yes! Am I good or am I good?
>> Simon: Are they my only options?
>> Katie: I told you this marriage thing is simpler than it seems. Any fool can do it. Look, I am going into this wedlock thing with my eyes wide open, which is more than I can say for 47% of the population.
>> Simon: Okay, Katie, Katie, slow down right there.
>> Katie: What?
>> Simon: We are not going into any wedlock thing.
>> Katie: You know, I found a justice of the peace who can fit us in at 4:00.
>> Simon: Fit us in?
>> Katie: Yeah. And he's gonna waive the waiting period, which is so cool, 'cause what is that waiting period for anyway? It's not like we're buying a gun. Oh, and we'll stop by city hall and get our license on the way.
>> Simon: No, no. You are not -- give me that. You are not making any more phone calls.
>> Katie: It's the perfect solution.
>> Simon: Perfect? You're proposing something completely illegal.
>> Katie: And crucial if you want to stay in the country.
>> Simon: We would be living a lie every waking moment.
>> Katie: Isn't that what every marriage is? So we have to learn a little bit about each other. You need me, and we have fun together. And my social calendar is pretty free for the next couple months.
>> Simon: Katie, listen, you are a bright, beautiful woman with your whole life ahead of you. And, yeah, you make me laugh, but I don't want to be married to you ever, under any circumstance.
>> Katie: Well, for someone with not a lot of options, you're being pretty picky.
>> Simon: Yeah, and you're not being picky enough. You don't want a marriage that a Justice of the Peace has to fit into his schedule. Yeah? And what if Mr. Right comes along during the whole of this sham, you know, somebody you want to spend the rest of your life with?
>> Katie: It doesn't matter.
>> Simon: Look, how could it not matter? Katie --
>> Katie: What?
>> Simon: I don't know how to ask you this without appearing really egotistical, but --
>> Katie: What are you talking about? Oh, are -- are you asking me if I want this marriage because I'm in love with you?
>> Simon: Yeah. Yeah, I guess I am.

Scene 5:
Location: Sparky's Garage in Milltown.

MISS KATIE PERETTI AND SIMON FRASIER

>> Katie: You think I'm in love with you?
>> Simon: Look, I don't know what to think. We spend one night together, and all of a sudden, you're proposing marriage.
>> Katie: I was a virgin, Simon, not a moron. I'm not trying to trap you into anything. I'm actually trying to help you out. Sorry.
>> Simon: I love Lily, and that's who I want to be with.
>> Katie: I heard you the first time. But if somebody doesn't move fast, you're gonna be loving her from Australia.
>> Simon: I know that. Believe me.
>> Katie: All I wanted to do was just figure out a little illusion for awhile, you know?
>> Simon: You want to see illusion? You want to see what the illusion looks like? Come here.
>> Katie: What?
>> Simon: Here. You see that? There -- in there? That's home for me.
>> Katie: Be serious. Where do you live?
>> Simon: That's it. That's it. And this -- this is $43.35. That is my life savings. This is my life, Katie. That's what I have to offer you.
>> Katie: Well, we can be friends, and I'll let you sneak around with Lily.
>> Simon: Friendship can't survive such a lopsided exchange. And there is no way that I would let you sacrifice such enormous potential for such a miserable existence with me.
>> Katie: I've never been dumped so eloquently.
>> Simon: Look, I'm not dumping you. It's just --
>> Katie: Okay, 'cause I need a place to stay. I can -- I can -- just for a couple days till I get everything sorted out. I can stay in the car, and I won't make a sound. Please?
>> Simon: All right, fine. You can stay -- just for a couple of days, and that's it.
>> Katie: Thank you. Thank you so much, Simon. You are the best.

Scene 6:
Location: Sparky's Garage in Milltown

MISS KATIE PERETTI AND SIMON FRASIER

>> Katie: I'm back.
>> Simon: Look, Katie, are you sure this is your only option? I mean, camping out in a garage is hardly appropriate lodgings for a girl like you.
>> Katie: Well, luckily, I gave up appropriate a long time ago. Now, it's more like whatever works until something better comes along.
>> Simon: Yeah, well, for your sake, I hope that comes along pretty soon.
>> Katie: Well, don't worry about me. I'll go job hunting during the day, and I'll be practically invisible at night. You'll see.
>> Simon: Right.
>> Katie: I can also be fun to have around. You'll see that, too.
>> Simon: Hey, where are you going now?
>> Katie: To show you how lucky you are, I'm gonna tackle that little hovel of yours and make it suitable for living.
>> Simon: You don't have to do that, okay?
>> Katie: I know. Oh, and before I forget -- since we're gonna be living in such close quarters, in case you want a repeat of our little private party, you know where I live.

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November, 2000