EPISODE 5/9/01
Katie Asks Simon About The Diamond
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Simonscript
May, 2001
WEDNESDAY, MAY 9, 2001
Scene 1:
Location: Lakeview Hotel
Scene: Suite
MR. SIMON FRAISER AND MRS. KATIE PERETTI FRAISER
>> Katie: A black tux with a silver tie and cummerbund. That's what you
were thinking about, right? What to wear to Craig's wedding?
>> Simon: No, no. I was just thinking of an excuse as to how to avoid the
whole dull affair.
>> Katie: Dull?! It's gonna be so fun.
>> Simon: And I'm sure you're going to enjoy yourself, but I'm not going.
>> Katie: Of course you are. I already RSVP'd for both of us, and you
wouldn't want me to look stupid, would you?
>> Simon: No, honey, you do a good job of that all by yourself.
>> Katie: Oh, you are so bad.
>> Simon: Oh, I know.
>> Katie: I'm gonna go take a bath. Want to join? Just kidding -- sort of.
[Door closes.]
[Doorbell rings.]
>> Simon: Katie, you expecting anyone?! Kat -- [water running.] Katie?!
MISS RUBY FRANK ARRIVES.
>> Ruby: Hello, lover.
>> Simon: Hello, Ruby. Hi.
>> Ruby: You remembered my name. That's a good sign. Mind if I come
in?
>> Simon: No, no. Actually, it's really not a good time right now.
>> Ruby: Oh, I can make anytime a "good time." Oof -- look at this place.
>> Simon: So does -- Lucinda know you're out on the loose?
>> Ruby: Oh, the old lady's busy setting up for some party, she won't even
notice I'm gone. Besides, I just had to see you. Lucinda told me you've been
using me. I didn't believe her at first. But now, it seems Craig Montgomery
figured out who set up those nasty pictures. So, lover, the truth -- did you rat
me out?
>> Simon: Yes. Sorry, lover, yes I did. You've been had. What? You
shouldn't look so surprised. I mean, we told each other from the outset,
we're both just a couple of cons, right?
>> Ruby: But you said what we had was different, that it meant something.
Was it all a lie?!
>> Simon: A lie -- no. No. It was a game -- a game that you seem to enjoy
as much as anyone, except when you're the mark. So maybe you should
remember this feeling next time you try and rip off some poor sucker. But
thanks anyway, it's been --
>> Katie: What the -- ? I thought husbands were supposed to take out the
trash, not invite it in.
Scene 2:
Location: Lakeview Hotel
Scene: Suite
MR. SIMON FRAISER, MRS. KATIE PERETTI FRAISER, AND MISS
RUBY FRANK.
>> Ruby: You're calling me trash?! That's really funny.
>> Katie: Funny? Then why am I not laughing?
>> Simon: Listen, listen, better go, Ruby. Please? Let's go.
>> Katie: You heard the man, go. And now hear me, stay the hell away
from my husband!
>> Ruby: Do you actually believe you mean anything to this gigolo? No
one can be that stupid, not even you!
>> Simon: Ladies, stop it! Stop it!
>> Katie: She called -- she called me stupid!
>> Simon: I know, I know!
>> Ruby: Oh, that's because you can't see how he's playing you like he
played me!
>> Katie: Shut up, tramp. Nobody here is interested in anything you have to
offer.
>> Ruby: Oh, your husband was really interested the other night.
>> Katie: You're such a liar.
>> Ruby: Tell her, Simon -- tell her you couldn't get enough.
>> Simon: I plead the fifth. I take the fifth. I plead the fifth.
>> Ruby: Poor Simon was starving for some attention. Starving, so I gave
him everything I had.
>> Katie: Oh, keep dreaming, lady.
>> Ruby: Oh, yeah, the only one who's dreaming here is Simon -- of hot
times with me.
>> Katie: Want to bet it's about time you cooled off?!
>> Ruby: Oh, oh, oh! Oh!
Scene 3:
Location: Lakeview Hotel
Scene: Door and hallway outside of the suite
MR. SIMON FRAISER, MRS. KATIE PERETTI FRAISER, AND MISS
RUBY FRANK.
>> Ruby: Stop it! You're crazy! Stop!
>> Katie: And you're all washed up!
>> Ruby: Ooh, look what you've done!
>> Katie: And I'll do it again if ever come back.
MR. SIMON FRAISER AND MRS. KATIE PERETTI FRAISER
>> Katie: What is so funny?
>> Simon: What do you think? The look on her face when you picked that
thing up. It was pure terror.
>> Katie: She deserved it.
>> Simon: Ah, you are something else, Katie Peretti.
>> Katie: It's Frasier, and I wasn't being funny.
>> Simon: I know, you were being yourself, and I must admit, I loved every
minute of it.
>> Katie: It was pretty funny, huh, putting out her fire?
>> Simon: Yeah, she defended my honor admirably. But for future
reference, I can fight my own battles.
>> Katie: Of course you can, but it's much more fun doing it together --
fighting, I mean.
>> Simon: I'll say one thing for you -- you can turn anything into an
adventure.
>> Katie: Well, just say the word -- the adventure doesn't have to end. You
could sign on for life.
Scene 4:
Location: Lakeview Hotel
Scene: Suite
MR. SIMON FRAISER AND MRS. KATIE PERETTI FRAISER
>> Simon: How many times do I have to warn you not to set yourself up for
a fall?
>> Katie: How many times do I have to warn you I'm stronger than you
think.
>> Simon: I know you are. I know you are. And smart and funny and
fearless. You have so much to give. Please, please, don't waste it on me.
>> Katie: You're right. I've been wasting way too much time entertaining
you, so it's your turn to entertain me.
>> Simon: Look, we've been through this so many times --
>> Katie: No, I wasn't talking about sex, you fiend. Although, now that you
mention it --
>> Simon: Get up. Katie, get up here.
>> Katie: I mean entertainment in the form of a story. I know. Why don't
you tell me about this diamond that you carried about? The one that you
were searching for that brought Rose and Lily together.
>> Simon: No, that is -- that is one long story.
>> Katie: And I want to hear every juicy detail.
Scene 5:
Location: Lakeview Hotel
Scene: Suite
MR. SIMON FRAISER AND MRS. KATIE PERETTI FRAISER
>> Katie: So your sister drowned holding the diamond? That's awful.
>> Simon: Yeah, 100 pounds of fish food, clutching a diamond worth
millions.
>> Katie: Yeah, but that's your sister you're talking about. I mean, how
awful to lose her that way.
>> Simon: You didn't know my sister. Wacko.
>> Katie: Still, to sink to the bottom of the ocean off of some remote island.
That is where it happened, right?
>> Simon: Yes, yes, that's what I've said, several times now.
>> Katie: Okay, okay, I'm sorry. It's just a fascinating story.
>> Simon: Yeah, and one I'd rather forget.
>> Katie: But do you ever really forget something that you pursued for so
long?
>> Simon: No -- no, I suppose not. I suppose I always wonder what life
would have been like had I not lost that dear, old rock.
>> Katie: And one day you'll know the answer.
>> Simon: How?
>> Katie: You'll get your diamond back. I'll make sure of it.
>> Simon: Okay, delusional, enjoy your fantasy, but some of us have to earn
a real living.
>> Katie: Okay, go ahead. See you later.
>> Simon: What are you going to do?
>> Katie: Oh, I'll think of something.
>> Simon: Oh, no, no, that's scary.
Scene 6:
Scene: Craig Montgomery's penthouse suite.
CRAIG MONTGOMERY AND SIMON FRAISER
>> Simon: If I'm done, I want out. I want to blow this town, but I can't until
you pay me.
>> Craig: You'll get your money when the job is finished.
>> Simon: I've done -- I've done everything that I said I would do.
>> Craig: All right, all right, but I am asking you again to reconsider
procuring the photographs.
>> Simon: Oh, procuring. Just say "stealing," all right?
>> Craig: Look, I don't care how you get them. Lucinda has the photos,
she's enlisted my son to help ruin me, and the only way I can stop this is to
get the photos before Barbara gets them!
>> Simon: Look, I don't see how I can help. I have no more access to
Lucinda than you do.
>> Craig: You could. She's throwing a party tonight for Lily and Holden.
You could get into the party and get the photographs.
>> Simon: I'm sorry, the answer is no. I am out. I'm officially out of the
espionage business.
>> Craig: All right, fine. Fine, fine, fine. Fine! I'll handle it myself.
>> Simon: Good. That's the way. So how do you plan on breaking into Ft.
Walsh?
>> Craig: I told you, she's having a party.
>> Simon: Yeah, yeah, yeah, and somehow I don't think you're on the guest
list.
>> Craig: I have crashed far better parties than Lucinda's. Walking in on the
arm of the guest of honor. I will get into this party, whatever it takes. This
is one party I am not going to miss.
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May, 2001