EPISODE 5/30/01
Simon Gets Himself Arrested To Help Craig

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May, 2001


WEDNESDAY, MAY 30, 2001

Scene 1:
Location: Lakeview Hotel
Scene: Lakeview Restaurant Lounge

CRAIG MONTGOMERY AND SIMON FRAISER

>> Craig: Thank you for your expertise, but I think it's worth the risk to undermine Lucinda's position. Oh, good. Good. I'm glad you remember I'm the client. I'll messenger the money over. Just wait for the call, all right? Yes, thanks to Barbara, my money worries are over for the moment. Just be ready to post bail when necessary, okay?
[Simon grabs the phone mid-conversation]

SIMON FRAISER AND CRAIG MONTGOMERY CONVERSATION.

>> Simon: You wanted to see me. I'm here.
>> Craig: And in a hurry, I assume.
>> Simon: Yeah. Was that your lawyer on the phone?
>> Craig: It was.
>> Simon: All right. Well, if you can pay him, then you can afford to pay me right now.
>> Craig: All right. Would you like a drink first?
>> Simon: No. No, what I would like is for you to cough up what you owe me, or I'll start start spilling secrets. See, I've learned a lot of them while being in your employ. And I don't think you want me sharing them with the rest of the world, do you, Craig?

Scene 2: Location: Lakeview Hotel
Scene: Lakeview Restaurant Lounge

SIMON FRAISER AND CRAIG MONTGOMERY

>> Simon: What? What, are you gonna write me a check?
>> Craig: Well, I don't usually carry around large amounts around in small bills. But if you wait, I can pay you --
>> Simon: No, no, I want this right now. But that check better not bounce.
>> Craig: Well, since my rich wife's wedding present was a joint checking account, I can safely say --
>> Simon: Great. I'm dying to get out of this place.
>> Craig: Mm-hmm. Hey, what do you hear from Katie? Didn't you say she was camping or something?
>> Simon: Or something.
>> Craig: Do you want me to give her your good-byes?
>> Simon: Just write the check, please.
>> Craig: But, you know, you won't get very far on this paltry sum.
>> Simon: Far enough.
>> Craig: Okay, but once you're overseas, you're going to be scrounging around again. Huh? Not very cost-effective, considering the time and effort you've put into this place.
>> Simon: What are you getting at?
>> Craig: Well, you could make some real money if you stuck it out for one more tiny assignment.
>> Simon: Oh, man, you are something else. Working for you is like a never- ending jigsaw puzzle. You know, there are no boundaries and you never get to see the big picture.
>> Craig: Still, a lot more interesting than a two-bit mechanic job.
>> Simon: No, no, at least working in the garage, I get to see a regular paycheck.
>> Craig: All right, suit yourself. It's a shame to see you pass up a million- dollar haul when all we're really talking about is a night's work.
[Craig begins to write the check]
>> Simon: All right, stop writing. Stop writing. I'm curious, fine.
>> Craig: I thought you might be.
>> Simon: So tell me more about this million dollars.

Scene 3:
Location: Lakeview Hotel
Scene: Lakeview Restaurant Lounge

SIMON FRAISER AND CRAIG MONTGOMERY

>> Simon: So who are you going after this time?
>> Craig: Don't sweat that. I will handle all the dirty work. All you have to do is repair one small glitch.
>> Simon: Which is?
>> Craig: Gabriel Frank. I find myself in need of his rather unique services.
>> Simon: Oh, well, that's a shame 'cause he's in jail.
>> Craig: Partly because I double-crossed him.
>> Simon: Oh, great, great, great. Way to burn a bridge.
>> Craig: Yes, but money can repair a bridge very quickly. In fact, I have an offer that will thrill Mr. Frank. But I can't pass it on to him in person.
>> Simon: Why?
>> Craig: Well, partly because I've said he was blackmailing me in public so my wife and the police would view my visitation to him with some suspicion.
>> Simon: Right, so you just want me to go to the jail and talk to him? Is this it?
>> Craig: Nothing that overt. You're my brother-in-law. People know you work for me.
>> Simon: Like Margo.
>> Craig: And Detective Jack.
>> Simon: Okay, if neither one of us can go and talk to the prisoner, then how do you expect to get this offer to him?
>> Craig: I want you to get yourself arrested.

Scene 4:
Location: Lakeview Hotel
Scene: Lakeview Restaurant Lounge

SIMON FRAISER AND CRAIG MONTGOMERY

>> Simon: I am not gonna get myself arrested.
>> Craig: Well, I'm not asking you to commit a felony here. I'm just asking you to get thrown in the holding tank a couple hours.
>> Simon: Oh, that's all. Right, right. You're making it sound like it's nothing.
>> Craig: Well, it's nowhere you haven't been before after your midnight ride through Lucinda's foyer.
>> Simon: Yeah, for which I'm still paying off the damages, the drunk-driving fines.
>> Craig: This time, any fines are on me.
>> Simon: I'm not doing it.
>> Craig: Simon, this is a piece of cake. You have a couple of drinks, you start an argument with me, the bartender calls the cops.
>> Simon: Yeah, the cops come in. They haul me away. And then, I face, what, up to five years in prison?
>> Craig: And who's gonna press charges? Me? I'll take care of the hotel. The most you'll get is a citation for public drunkenness, disorderly behavior and my attorneys waiting to bail you out. Huh? Think about it. A couple hours.
>> Simon: What, and you'll pay me a million bucks?
>> Craig: Yeah, as soon as I make my next acquisition.
>> Simon: Okay, when's that gonna be?
>> Craig: Soon.
>> Simon: Oh, where have I heard that before?
>> Craig: Simon, Simon, Simon. A million dollars for a couple of hours in a jail cell. Huh?
>> Simon: All right. So what do you want me to tell this guy?
>> Craig: All you have to do is pass on the details of the offer in the note to Gabriel.
>> Simon: No way! This could be a bomb threat. This could be anything. No way. Just write me the check now.
>> Craig: I'm not asking you to do this, Simon, because I like you. This is the deal of a lifetime for me. I wouldn't put anything in this note that would jeopardize me or put anything that would lead the cops back to me. >> Simon: Fine, then tell me what it says.
>> Craig: The less you know, the more comfortable you'll be with your money, huh? David, David? Can we have a double-shot of bourbon for my friend right here?

Scene 5:
Location: Lakeview Hotel
Scene: Lakeview Restaurant Lounge

SIMON FRAISER AND CRAIG MONTGOMERY

>> Craig: That's all there is to it. You get arrested, you pass the note to Gabriel, you call my attorney and get bailed out.
>> Simon: So if I'm gonna make a million dollars from one day's work, then you're gonna net -- ?
>> Craig: Billions.
>> Simon: Let's hope the cops don't find this when they book me.
>> Craig: Tell them it's a love note from your wife or something.
>> Simon: I hate bourbon.
>> Craig: David, can we have another for my friend?
>> Simon: Yeah, David. Just keep them coming.
>> Craig: Thank you.
>> Simon: Cheers.
>> Craig: Cheers.
>> Simon: Understand this -- you double-cross me, or you welsh on this, I swear to God, I will make you pay.
>> Craig: Yes. As you so generously pointed out, you do know secrets.
>> Simon: Yes, I do, enough to at least fill a deposition or two.
>> Craig: Have I ever failed to live up to a promise?
>> Simon: No, you haven't -- not yet. But don't start confusing me with Gabriel Frank.
>> Craig: The accent's a dead giveaway.
>> Simon: Hey, hey, David. Please, can you fill it up? A man's not a camel. Come on.
>> Bartender: Hey, pal, are you in a race or something?
>> Simon: Listen, man, why don't you just mind your own business?
>> Craig: Simon, maybe you have had enough to drink.
>> Simon: Yeah. Oh, well, hey, it's just this drinking problem I've got. You know, sometimes, I miss my mouth. [Tray clangs.] Come on, Craig! You want to say that about my wife, and you expect me to do nothing?!
>> Bartender: You need to calm down. Yo, relax.
>> Simon: Come on, Craig. Get up so I can knock you down again.
>> Bartender: Mr. Montgomery, you okay?
>> Craig: Yeah, I'm okay.
>> Simon: Let me go!
>> Bartender: Calm down, or I'm gonna call the cops.
>> Simon: Fine, call the cops. Call the marines for all I care!
>> Bartender: I'll call the cops.
>> Simon: You're gonna need them.

Scene 6:
Location: Lakeview Hotel
Scene: Lakeview Restaurant Lounge

SIMON FRAISER, CRAIG MONTGOMERY, AND TWO COPS

>> Cop #1: Do you want to press charges for assault and battery?
>> Craig: No, that's all right. He's my brother-in-law, an employee. He was just drinking too much. Just put him in the holding tank for a little while, let him sober up.
>> Cop #1: Yeah, we'll put him in for public drunkenness.
>> Craig: Yeah, good. Do you mind if I have a minute with him?
>> Cop #1: No. Go ahead.
>> Craig: Thank you. Officer, may I have a word with him?

CRAIG MONTGOMERY AND SIMON FRAISER

>> Craig: Too right --
>> Simon: Do not cross me.

SIMON FRAISER AND TWO COPS

>> Cop #2: You have the right to remain silent.
>> Simon: Yeah, yeah, blah, blah.
>> Cop #2: If you abuse that right --


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May, 2001