EPISODE 5/18/00
Lily Pretends To Be Rose

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May, 2000


THURSDAY, MAY 18, 2000

Scene 1:
Place: Atlantic City, New Jersey
Location: Boardwalk Plaza Hotel
Scene: Backstage

LILY WALSH SNYDER (AS ROSE) AND THE SHOWGIRLS

>> Showgirl #3: Rosie, you're out of line.
>> Lily: Huh?
>> Showgirl #3: Get behind Tiff where you belong.
>> Lily: Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm goin' up. I'm goin'. Oh, I'm goin'. Whoo.
>> Showgirl #3: What's sent you into space? That hunk of burnin' love?
>> Lily: What?
>> Showgirl #4: Stop clowning. Let's think of our jobs and not of our men.

Scene 2:
Scene: Show room.

SIMON FRASIER AND MITZI

>> Mitzi: What can I get ya?
>> Simon: Some longneck. Sorry, sorry, a beer.
>> Mitzi: I love how you say that. One beer comin' up.
>> Simon: That's good. That is very good. Wait, wait, wait, tell me. Have you -- have you seen Lily at all today?
>> Mitzi: Why? You puttin' her in the movies, too?
>> Simon: I just -- I need to find her. It's very important.
>> Mitzi: The last I saw her, she was leavin' the hotel.
>> Simon: Are you sure?
>> Mitzi: I seen her with my own eyes. I guess Rose must have been too much competition for her.

Scene 3:
Scene: Show room.

LILY WALSH SNYDER AND THE SHOWGIRLS

[Lily is going through Rose's routine, however awkwardly.]

SIMON FRASIER AND GUY (Steve Doocey from "Fox and Friends" on the Fox News Channel).

>> Guy: Been here every night this week. This show just gets hotter and hotter. Check her out.
[Growls.]
>> Guy: Huh. You caught her eye. Somebody's gettin' lucky tonight.
>> Simon: Mate, you don't know how lucky I'm really going to get.

[Lily almost runs into another showgirl.]

>> Showgirl #4: Watch it, Rosie.

[Simon appears surprised.]

Scene 4:
Scene: Show room.

LILY WALSH SNYDER AND THE SHOWGIRLS

[Lily is going through Rose's routine, badly.]

SIMON FRASIER AND MITZI

>> Mitzi: Another beer?
>> Simon: No, no, no, I'm fine. Thank you. Just tell me, is this the usual act?
>> Mitzi: Same as it always is.
>> Simon: No, I mean -- I mean Rose. What is she, the comic relief?
>> Mitzi: You say that in front of her, you'll never need a dentist again. The girls move in sync. Rose is gonna hear it for breaking down the line.
>> Simon: Wow. Does she do that often?
>> Mitzi: No way. Rose is a pro. She's numero uno. You just must have got her all shook up.
>> Simon: No, you know, I hope I didn't distract her.
>> Mitzi: Last time Rose fell out of line was after an all-night party with Slam Jam and his R & B band. They closed down the place, and then they took it upstairs. The punch was, like, 140 proof. Not that Rose is one to scratch an itch and tell. She's very discreet.
>> Simon: Well, that is very reassuring.
>> Mitzi: So she's up there tripping over Tiff -- well, you'd know better than me. What were you guys up to last night?
>> Simon: I think you'd just better ask your discreet friend. We both will.
[ Applause ]
>> Simon: Thanks.

Scene 5:
Scene: Backstage

LILY WALSH SNYDER ALONE

>> Lily: You've lost your mind. You've lost your mind. What were you thinking?!

LILY WALSH SNYDER AND SIMON FRASIER

[Knock at door.]
>> Lily: Who is it?
>> Simon: It's me, Simon.
>> Lily: Just a sec! Did you hear "entre" pass these lips?
>> Simon: No, I just couldn't wait. Hey, are you okay?
>> Lily: Except I wanna die. I've never messed up like that before, ever!
>> Simon: Oh, I hope me being out there didn't distract you.
>> Lily: It didn't help.
>> Simon: Oh, and sleeping here last night, I mean, that couldn't have helped either, could it?
>> Lily: Oh, yeah. My -- my back -- all my muscles are like rocks.
>> Simon: Here, here. Let me loosen 'em up a bit -- give you a Swedish massage.
>> Lily: You know -- you know -- oh. That's -- thank you, but you know what I need? A really long soak, 'cause I almost took a header off the stage. And I got a knot in my leg to match the one in my gut. So, if you'll excuse me -
>> Simon: Just wait, wait, wait. Rose, Rose, Rose -- I've gotta tell you, last night in jail -- I just couldn't stop thinking about you.
>> Lily: I'm flattered, hon.
>> Simon: Oh, well, you now, it just helped the time pass quicker, you know?
>> Lily: Yeah, well, you know.
>> Simon: To, uh -- to think of our -- our first night together. I mean, you were fantastic.
>> Lily: You weren't so bad yourself.
>> Simon: You were -- you were just -- you were so open, so accepting.
>> Lily: Yeah, well, you know, I'm a sucker for accents.
>> Simon: Oh, so am I.
>> Lily: Yeah.
>> Simon: So am I. So -- so your feelings, they haven't changed?
>> Lily: Huh -- no. How could they?
>> Simon: Well, great. And so you're just as anxious as I am still to make things official?
>> Lily: Well, yeah! I mean -- ha! I -- I -- I don't like formal stuff. You know that.
>> Simon: But you do want your inheritance?
>> Lily: Yes. Yes, I'm not stupid!
>> Simon: Ah -- sweetheart, relax. I think you are brilliant. I mean, you were smart enough to see the resemblance between me and your favorite actor.
>> Lily: How could you not?
>> Simon: Well, tell me, what -- what film of his was your favorite again?
>> Lily: Favorite? Oh, no. No, I love all of 'em.
>> Simon: No, no, no, no. Come on, come on. You said there was one film of his that just stood out above all the rest. What is it?
>> Lily: Yeah, I -- I -- I don't have time for this right now.
>> Simon: It was, um -- it was -- it was the one that Mel directed.
>> Lily: Yes!
>> Simon: Remember, Mel Gibson?
>> Lily: Oh! Yeah! You know, just like the other night, you get me talking, I can't remember half the things that I said.
>> Simon: You see, you would be able to remember if you were Rose! But since you're Lily, that's impossible! The jig's up, Lil.

Scene 6:
Scene: Backstage

LILY WALSH SNYDER AND SIMON FRASIER

>> Lily: Lily?! You are crazy!
>> Simon: Come on. Rose and I were alone in this room, and you were locked in the closet in the hotel room, you remember?
>> Lily: I ain't never been no closets.
>> Simon: Shh, shh. Lily, that act is getting just a little old.
>> Lily: You think I am some stuffy, midwest housewife. Simon, you're making me laugh!
>> Simon: Ha-ha, ha-ha. Well, the joke's on you. I want my diamond!
>> Lily: No!
>> Simon: Get off me! Lily!

Scene 7:
Scene: Backstage

LILY WALSH SNYDER AND SIMON FRASIER

>> Simon: All right. All right, truce?
>> Lily: Truce. The headdress stays put!
>> Simon: Until Rose returns.
>> Lily: You mean Lily.
>> Simon: Oh, give it up, Lily! You know, I am just too exhausted to care.
>> Lily: You know, I -- me, too. So we'll just leave it alone. Hmm?
>> Simon: Fine. Fine. Yeah, right!
>> Lily: Oh! Simon!
>> Simon: It's fake! What have you done with my diamond?! Rose? Rose -- rose -- she has my diamond, doesn't she?! Huh?!
Where is she, Lily? Tell me now!

Scene 8:
Scene: Backstage

LILY WALSH SNYDER AND SIMON FRASIER

>> Lily: I told you, I have no idea where Rose is.
>> Simon: Lily, yes, you do. She left the hotel, dressed in your clothes, wearing your makeup, trying like the devil to sound like a spoiled heiress.
>> Lily: Maybe this is all there is. Maybe there is no "beloved" diamond. Maybe your great-grandfather conned his one true love the way you con everybody that you meet!
>> Simon: Okay. I am gonna ask you one last time. Where is she, Lily? Because if I don't find her --

ROSE D'ANGELO (DRESSED AS LILY) RETURNS.

>> Rose: Lily! Lily, you were right! It's real! It's full of carats! I'm rich! I'm rich!

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May, 2000