EPISODE 3/8/01
"Katie Questions Simon"
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MARCH 8, 2001
Scene 1:
Location: Burt's garage.
Scene: The shop.
SIMON FRAISER AND MRS. KATIE PERETTI FRAISER
>> Katie: Mmm, it's so warm and cozy in here. And you look very --
comfortable. I am so sick of this cold! And I'm sure you are, too. So we are
gonna do something about it. I have this idea. And, normally, I wouldn't
suggest something like this, but I just can't help it. I was thinking how great
it would be to just give in, you know? Give in to temptation.
>> Simon: All right, stop. Just stop right there.
>> Katie: I can't. Simon, I am only human. I have needs, and sometimes they
are more than I can bear.
>> Simon: Look, forget it. We are not going having this conversation.
>> Katie: You don't mean that. Believe me, you don't want to say no to this.
It's hot, it's satisfying, and it's going to make you a very happy boy. You're
gonna thank me in the morning. [Katie shows Simon a bag from behind her
back] Mabel's red hots, with all the fixings.
>> Simon: Hot dogs?
>> Katie: Yeah -- unless you had something else in mind? Come on, it's all
in the bag. We have got hot sauce, extra onions, relish. No, no, no, there's
something missing.
>> Simon: What do you want, Katie?
>> Katie: Oh, mustard!
>> Simon: No, no, no, no -- wait, wait. What do you want from me?
Scene 2:
Location: Burt's Garage
Scene: The Shop
SIMON FRASIER AND KATIE FRASIER
>> Simon: Wait, wait, wait. Just look at me, all right? Look at me. Every
time I turn around, you're working another scheme. You -- you fake a
pregnancy, you con a federal agent, you make deals with millionaires --
>> Katie: What can I say? It's a gift.
>> Simon: -- All in the name of keeping me in this country, is that it? In this
town, in this garage, right by your side?
>> Katie: Funny how things work out.
>> Simon: Look, look, most men would be -- would be flattered to have so
much of your boundless energy spent on them, but --
>> Katie: But what?!
>> Simon: But it freaks me out 95% of the time, because I, for the life of me,
can't figure out why!
>> Katie: So, I do all these nice things for you, and you have a problem with
it? Okay, I get it. Hubby wants a fight.
>> Simon: Ah! I'm not your "hubby"! I just wanna know what is going on in
your brain!
>> Katie: It's fine. You want a fight? It's fine. Husbands and wives fight all
the time. They have to let off a little steam. That's what makes the making-
up part so much fun.
>> Simon: Just answer the question -- what do you want to get out of this?
>> Katie: Why does it matter? All of my little schemes -- if that's what you
want to call them -- have paid off, haven't they? You wanted to stay in the
country, I made that happen. The I.N.S. Comes knocking at the door, I send
them away. When you wanna go have a joyride through the Walsh mansion,
who gets you bail and gets you out of prison?
>> Simon: Yeah, but why? Why?!
>> Katie: It's just part of what wives do for their husbands.
>> Simon: Look, husbands and wives do a lot of things that we don't do.
>> Katie: Well, I can be just as patient as you are.
>> Simon: I'm not a patient, man, okay? And I want a simple, honest
answer. What are you getting out of this?
>> Katie: I don't know! I guess, I love you.
>> Simon: We've been down this road before. This arrangement isn't about
love.
>> Katie: You said you wanted a straight answer.
>> Simon: I do.
>> Katie: Well, that's about as straight as it gets. I know i have said things
before out of desperation or fear or whatever you wanna call it, I admit that.
But when I tell you I love you, it's different. It's just the way it's always been.
Scene 3:
Location: Burt's Garage
Scene: The Shop
SIMON FRASIER AND KATIE FRASIER
>> Simon: You're kidding, right? I mean, it's just like when you walked in
here with these -- with these hot dogs doing all that thing, you're just trying
to get a rise out of me, aren't you?
>> Katie: It's not that complicated, Simon. I meant what I said.
[Simon groans.]
>> Katie: What?!
>> Simon: Kat -- you -- you can't love me. That's -- that's -- that's crazy.
That's crazy!
>> Katie: You asked me for an honest answer, and I gave it to you. Did I ask
for your opinion or your comments?
>> Simon: All right, you do realize -- you do realize -- that there is no way
that this can't be reciprocated, don't you?
>> Katie: Oh, here we go again.
>> Simon: I just -- I don't want to hurt your feelings, all right? So you need
to know this. What you see is what you get -- today, tomorrow, years from
now. In other words, I am not -- I am not gonna grow to love you. And,
honestly, if we're gonna be speaking honestly, then -- then quite honestly,
sometimes I don't even like being around you.
>> Katie: All husbands feel that way from time to time, silly. That's why
they invented football.
>> Simon: Katie, you are a beautiful, funny, surprising woman. You should
be with someone who loves you, someone who is really gonna appreciate
your -- your millions of unique gifts.
>> Katie: Sweetie, you sure you don't want a hot dog?
>> Simon: No, no, I'm not your sweetie, and, no, I do not want a hot dog! I
have had enough. And I'm sure you've had enough, too, if you'd just be
honest with yourself. So, if you walk away now, I -- I will shoulder all the
blame, all the consequences. This is my fault, so it's the least I can do. I just -
- you can have a chance at having a real life.
>> Katie: You know what, Simon? You are so full of it, because every time
you have threatened to leave me, you could've walked back to Australia by
now! Now, i have made my stance very, very clear -- very simple -- a fool
could understand it. So why don't you take a cold, hard look at yourself and
tell me -- tell us -- why we're still here? What do you want out of this
arrangement?
Scene 4:
Location: Burt's Garage
Scene: The Shop
KATIE PERETTI AND SIMON FRASIER
>> Katie: Here. I want you to take a cold, hard look at yourself, and just tell
me what you want.
>> Simon: What I want -- I want peace, quiet, room to breathe -- the
American dream.
>> Katie: Mirror says -- [Katie makes buzzing sound] -- wrong answer, try
again.
>> Simon: Well, I guess I don't understand what you're trying to say.
>> Katie: I am trying to figure out what is keeping you here, okay? You
came here for Lily. You wanted to stay in town because of Lily darling
Lily. But you don't have her anymore. She's out of the picture. But you're
still here. And, yeah, yeah, you complain, and you stomp your feet, and get
all quiet and masculine on me. But lo and behold, you're still here. So you're
obviously pretty happy with this little arrangement. Who's living in a fantasy
world, huh? You or me?
>> Simon: Well, my fantasies are a hell of lot more fantastic than this.
Believe me.
>> Katie: Fine, whatever. All I'm saying is that I've told you my reasons for
sticking around. So what are yours? Huh? What's keeping you from being on
a jet back to Australia so you can go and wrestle with crocodiles or koalas or
whatever it is you people do to sublimate your sex drive.
>> Simon: I can't leave. I can't leave you.
>> Katie: Why is that?
>> Simon: Well, if I did, you'd be -- you'd be fined, you'd be thrown into
jail.
>> Katie: Oh, please. You know that I could get out of that, like, in a second.
I always do. So get off your white horse. There are no martyrs here. Come
on, come on. You're free. You can go, with my blessing, no questions asked
and no hard feelings. All right. Let's try this again. No Lily, no me. I'm
letting you free -- free, free. Go. What is keeping you here, Simon, in
Oakdale? Besides the fabulous cuisine?
Scene 5:
Location: Burt's Garage
Scene: The shop
KATIE FRASIER AND SIMON FRASIER
>> Katie: Going somewhere?
>> Simon: As a matter of fact, I am.
>> Katie: Oh, really? Well, you must really not want to answer this question
if you're letting it drive you out the door.
>> Simon: I gave you an answer. You just don't want to accept it.
>> Katie: No. Sorry, mate. Nice try, but you're not getting off that easily.
That's not how it works.
>> Simon: Well, I guess I'm not up on the rules of engagement.
>> Katie: You're not staying here to be altruistic, I know that much. And
you're not staying to prove that you're a man of your word.
>> Simon: Then you tell me, Katie, why am I staying?
>> Katie: 'Cause you've got a secret. Come on, Simon, just tell me. Tell me
what it is. I won't tell anyone. Or do you want me to try and figure it out by
myself?
>> Simon: Oh, please. I gotta go be a servant at the Java Underground.
>> Katie: All right, have fun at work, honey. I'll be waiting. And I forgive
you for our little squabble. So, when you get home, we can make up. Oh,
wait, did I say "make up"? I meant make out. Kidding!
KATIE FRASIER ALONE
>> Katie: Hmm. I was right. Simon's got a secret.
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