EPISODE 3/20/01
Simon Guesses That Katie Isn't Pregnant

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Simonscript
March, 2001


TUESDAY, MARCH 20, 2001

Scene 1:
Location: Burt's garage
Scene: The shop.

MRS. KATIE F RASIER AND SIMON FRASIER

[Simon is working on a car and Katie comes along and hands Simon the tool that he needed]
>> Katie: Here you go, Dr. Frasier. You got this baby burning its midnight oil, huh?
>> Simon: Uh-huh.
>> Katie: Well, now that Isaac gave you work at Java Underground, you're not really going to have to do any more muffler jobs, right? I bet you're excited. We should celebrate your new career. Why don't you knock off a little early, and I'll make you nice, warm dinner?
>> Simon: No, thanks, I'm fine.
>> Katie: Oh, look what I found!
>> Simon: Wow, a can.
>> Katie: This will make a perfect diaper pail.
>> Simon: Look, you gonna be out here for awhile?
>> Katie: Yeah, sure. I'll work on this while you --
>> Simon: Then I'm gonna go inside. Just hit the lights when you're done.
>> Katie: Simon.
[Simon leaves]

Scene 2:

HENRY COLEMAN AND MRS. KATIE FRAISER

>> Henry: My, my. We're looking awfully svelte for a bride who's -- how many months un-pregnant are you now? I forget.
>> Katie: Henry, what are you doing here?
>> Henry: I was counting down the days till your undue date. Hey, how are you planning on faking the labor and the breast-feeding and let's not forget about the little infant itself?
>> Katie: Henry, are you crazy? Would you shut up? Simon is in the very next room. He could hear you. Get out of here!
>> Henry: Oh, believe me, Katie, there's nothing I'd like better than to get as far away from this one-horse town as possible. But funds are little tight for airfare right now.
>> Katie: So throw it on your gold card, and get out of here, please.
>> Henry: I'd love to, but I'm maxed out.
>> Katie: How is that possible? You work for "The Intruder"?
>> Henry: Not anymore.
>> Katie: Fired, again?
>> Henry: That's funny. So I said to myself, "Who can I turn to for support now that I don't have a job, I don't have any more money?"
>> Katie: Yeah, and you're out of luck tonight because my shoulder is closed.
>> Henry: But then I said, "I know, I'll go to my little friend, Katie. The little girl I got pregnant." Oh, wait, I correct myself. Your imagination got you pregnant. I just helped keep hope alive.
>> Katie: Would you shut up, Henry? Okay, it's a stretch, but I'm gonna call Craig and see if he'll give you your job back.
>> Henry: No, hey, hey, hey! I do not -- I do not want a job recommendation to Craig Montgomery, all right? He's the reason I'm getting out of dodge in the first place.
>> Katie: Then what do you want from me, Henry?
>> Henry: Money -- cold, hard cash, Katie, every cent you've got.
>> Katie: You want money from me?
>> Henry: Look, when you needed a song to sing to your little Aussie in there, I composed a pregnant concerto. Now, Katie, it is time to cough up a few royalties.

Scene 3:
Location: Burt's garage
Scene: The shop.

HENRY COLEMAN AND MRS. KATIE FRAISER

>> Katie: Wait, hold on, rewind, Henry. You're running from Craig? What could you have possible done to make my brother so mad at you?
>> Henry: Nothing. It was just a misunderstanding that got blown way out of proportion. I don't want to talk about it right now, okay? I just need airfare.
>> Katie: To where?
>> Henry: To someplace that says "Fresh new start." All right? What do you even care? Just give me 500 or 600, huh?
>> Katie: Look around the place, Henry. I'm married to a mechanic. We can barely make ends meet as it is.
>> Henry: Come on! I am not buying that. Your brother is one of the richest guys in town, Katie. He's not gonna let his little sister go a day without a fresh new manicure.
>> Katie: Wake up, Henry. Craig wrote me off months ago. He's not even gonna give me a food stamp, much less enough money for a plane ticket. It was bad enough I was calling him to get your job back. He's not gonna give me any money, okay? Deal with it. Why don't you cash in your 401k or I.R.A. or whatever you executive types have.
>> Henry: No, it takes weeks to get money from something like that, okay? I was living paycheck to paycheck, but I don't have any more paychecks. I need cash now -- tonight.
>> Katie: You can't bleed a stone, Henry, all right?
>> Henry: No, you're right, Katie, I can't. But I can threaten one. If you don't come through with some cash, pronto, I am gonna expose this little mama drama to your clueless hubby in there.
>> Katie: No, Henry, please. You can't! I finally have everything in my life that I've always wanted. My life is riding on this.

SIMON FRAISER OVERHEARS.

>> Henry: Well, my life is riding on a 747 window seat as far away from this town as I can get. Now, you owe me. Remember those 500 smackers I gave you in the doctor's office?
>> Katie: Yes, and every single one is gone. I would love to pay you back, I really would. I just haven't worked in months.
>> Henry: You wouldn't have found Dr. Quackenbush in Peoria if it wasn't for me.

SIMON FRAISER THINKING.

[Simon thinking.]
>> Henry: You wouldn't have found Dr. Quackenbush in Peoria if it wasn't for me.
>> Henry (as a woman): When I met Dr. Early, I knew we'd come to the right place.

SIMON FRAISER SPEAKS UP.

>> Simon: So, Katie, you want to introduce me to your friend?

Scene 4:
Location: Burt's garage
Scene: The shop.

HENRY COLEMAN, SIMON FRAISER, AND MRS. KATIE FRAISER

>> Katie: You know Henry Coleman, don't you?
>> Simon: Oh, yeah. Yeah, Henry.
>> Katie: Yeah, we worked at WOAK together. Henry was the news director.
>> Simon: Oh, that's right. You two left the station about the same time, didn't you?
>> Katie: Well, around the same time. But he's on to bigger and better things, right?
>> Simon: Awfully late for a visit, isn't it? So what brings you by this time of night? Everything okay, I hope. I mean, no car troubles.
>> Katie: No, no, no, nothing like that. He was actually just gonna leave. He only came by to -- you know --
>> Henry: I came by here to try to convince this talented young lady to come back into the workforce.
>> Katie: Yes, Henry was always my biggest fan.
>> Henry: Yes, very true. You know, we have a small but very loyal mutual appreciation society, huh?
>> Katie: Well, I know you said that you couldn't stay, but it was so good to see you.

KATIE FRASIER AND HENRY COLEMAN WITH SIMON FRASIER LOOKING ON

>> Henry: Yes, you know -- I'm serious, Katie, if you don't come through with that money, I will not be so restrained.
>> Katie: Okay, here.
>> Henry: Come on, come on, come on.
>> Katie: Okay. Here, take this. It's all I have right now.
>> Henry: What is this? I need airfare, not cab ride to the bus station, come on.
>> Katie: Take it! That's all I have right now. Okay, I'll think of something, and I'll call you later. Bye-bye, Henry. It was good to see you again. Good night.

Scene 5:
Location: Burt's garage
Scene: The shop.

SIMON FRAISER AND MRS. KATIE FRAISER

>> Simon: Was Henry acting strange tonight, or is he always like that?
>> Katie: Oh, yeah, Henry's just one of those all-work-no-play kind of guys. He drives me crazy.
>> Simon: Right. I didn't know you two were so close.
>> Katie: I didn't either. But I humor him.
>> Simon: Oh, is that what you call slipping him money when you were saying good-bye?
>> Katie: You saw that?
>> Simon: Yes. So what's Coleman doing here at this hour taking money from you?
>> Katie: He's broke, and he thought that if he me by late enough, you'd be asleep already. He's embarrassed, Simon. Guys like Henry don't ask for handouts.
>> Simon: No, no, but they take it when it's offered. What's a former TV executive doing knocking on the door of a mechanic's wife asking for a loan?
>> Katie: He doesn't have any friends, Simon. He didn't have anywhere else to go.
>> Simon: Okay, but if you're not that close, and you don't know what's up with him, why would he be so sure you're gonna help him out?
>> Katie: Maybe he thought I was a softie. I don't know.
>> Simon: Or that you owe him something.
>> Katie: Why would he think that I would owe him anything?
>> Simon: You know, Katie, I haven't always made an honest living. I mean, in my former line of work, it always helped to never forget a face, even if the last time that you saw it, it was wearing lipstick.
>> Katie: Lipstick? What are you talking about?
>> Simon: I'm talking about Henry Coleman being in the doctor's office in Peoria, dressed as a woman.

Scene 6:
Location: Burt's garage
Scene: The shop.

SIMON FRAISER AND MRS. KATIE FRAISER

>> Simon: Admit it, Katie. Henry Coleman was at the doctor's appointment disguised as a woman, and you pretended that you didn't know her -- him. But you do, very well I see. So this guy knows something that you don't want spilled, doesn't he? Something to do with maybe -- I don't know -- our trip to Peoria to see the so-called "obstetrician"?
>> Katie: What could Henry possibly know about that?
>> Simon: Maybe he knows the truth. Maybe he knows that you're about as pregnant as I am. Look at me, Katie, look at me 'cause enough is enough. There is no baby, is there? You have been lying about this all along.
[Katie runs out of the garage]

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March, 2001