EPISODE 3/13/01
Craig Tries To Get Simon To Steal From Lucinda
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March, 2001
MARCH 13, 2001
Scene 1:
MRS. KATIE PERETTI FRAISER ALONE.
>> Katie: Henry? It's me for, like, the millionth time. Now either you're not
checking your messages, you're ignoring me completely or you're dead.
Now, whatever your malfunction is, will you please just call me? I need you
-- your favorite words, if I remember correctly. Now, don't make me hunt
you down, because I will. I just need my old friend to help me dig up some
very well-buried bones. So, as soon as you get this, call me.
SIMON FRAISER AND MRS. KATIE PERETTI FRAISER
>> Simon: "Old friend," huh? Which old friend might that be?
Scene 2:
Location: Burt's garage.
Scene: The shop.
MRS. KATIE PERETTI FRAISER AND SIMON FRAISER
>> Simon: So someone's gonna help you dig up information on someone
else? And that's what you just said on the phone, isn't it?
>> Katie: Yeah, we're just playing a prank on this guy.
>> Simon: Yeah, what guy?
>> Katie: A friend from high school. It's kind of like a mini-reunion thing.
Just a bunch of us getting together, talk about old times.
>> Simon: Yeah, right.
>> Katie: You know, just like you do with your old friends, right? Oh,
whoops, sorry. Personal information, I don't know what got into me. Since
you made it painfully clear that i'm to stay on the fringes of your life.
>> Simon: So how many "old friends" are there? Huh? I mean, you never
mention any, it's not like they ever call.
>> Katie: Hmm. I was thinking the same thing about you.
>> Simon: Oh, wait, there is one friend who keeps showing up.
>> Katie: Friend of mine?
>> Simon: Yeah, yeah, that slick character. Your buddy the drag queen. You
know, the pregnant bloke from the doctor's office in Peoria?
>> Katie: Oh, you mean Henry? Don't be ridiculous. I haven't seen Henry in
ages.
>> Simon: Well, if you two are up to something, let me make this perfectly
clear for you. You were right the first time. My life is off-limits to you.
>> Katie: But I am part of your life.
>> Simon: In the loosest possible sense. But if you insist on digging around
my past, asking questions --
>> Katie: You can't blame the woman that you're married to for being
curious about you. You can ask anything you want about me.
>> Simon: I know enough.
>> Katie: What about your childhood? I mean, is that off-limits, too? Look, I
know we can't have fun in the bedroom, but we could have fun. You could
tell me some exotic stories about your past. Come on, you haven't told me
anything except for that time on your Paddington Express.
>> Simon: Pantagonian Express.
>> Katie: See? We know next-to-nothing about each other.
>> Simon: Yeah, but the thing is we're perfectly happy that way. 'Cause that
makes every day an adventure.
>> Katie: Oh, but I just --
>> Simon: Katie, let's just make a solemn vow to each other. You'll leave
this alone. Look at me, my life is my own, my past is private and Katie-free
and I want to keep it that way, okay? Just stay out of it.
>> Katie: And what if I don't?
>> Simon: Then I'm gonna have to take you over my knee and teach you a
lesson.
CRAIG MONTGOMERY ENTERS.
>> Craig: I already tried that once. It didn't work then, so don't get your
hopes up.
>> Katie: What are you doing here?
>> Craig: Visiting. Trouble in fossil fuel paradise?
>> Katie: Oh, just the occasional snake. I mean, you never know what's
going to happen. You leave the door unlocked and you never know what will
slither in.
>> Craig: Ah, nothing like good security. So you've decided to make your
home in Oakdale?
>> Simon: Yeah, it seems that way.
>> Craig: Mmm, and what are your plans for the future?
>> Katie: Whoa, whoa, whoa. It's a little late to be playing protective big
brother. I've made it just fine without your protection.
>> Craig: You have?
>> Katie: Mm-hmm.
>> Craig: Anyway what makes you think I'm here to see you? I'm here to see
Simon.
>> Katie: Why?
>> Craig: Why not?
>> Katie: What do you two have to talk about?
>> Craig: It doesn't concern you, Katie.
>> Katie: I'm not sure I like that.
>> Craig: You don't have to. So why don't you run along and catch a movie,
a midnight warehouse sale or something, hmm?
>> Katie: Okay. I'll see you later. Talk to you later.
>> Simon: Yeah, yeah, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. We haven't even finished
this discussion.
>> Katie: Mmm, miss me.
SIMON FRAISER AND CRAIG MONTGOMERY
>> Craig: Quite a handful, eh?
>> Simon: So what do you want?
>> Craig: Simon Frasier, this is your lucky day.
Scene 3:
Location: Burt's garage.
Scene: The shop.
SIMON FRAISER AND CRAIG MONTGOMERY
>> Simon: Look, mate, brothers-in-law or not, from the little I know about
you, I'm not interested in any business propositions. Thanks anyway.
>> Craig: You don't seem like the kind of man who'd settle so easily, Simon.
Don't the fumes get to you in here?
>> Simon: No, no. Occasionally the visitors, but never the fumes.
>> Craig: You must get paid very well here in "Burt's Garage," to turn down
a lucrative offer before I've even --
>> Simon: Look, I know your type, mate. I mean, you come in here, you
make a few promises, flash a smile, flash some cash, you think it's a done
deal.
>> Craig: I don't have a type, Simon. And why have resources if you can't
use them?
>> Simon: Well, I don't work here, so you might as well take your resources
elsewhere.
[Craig laughs ]
>> Craig: Okay, okay. So, I don't impress you, and you don't impress me,
but this is America, amigo! Doesn't mean we can't do business --
>> Simon: Honestly, I think you got your ears closed because --
>> Craig: Business that is beneficial to both of us.
>> Simon: And does such an animal exist?
>> Craig: Ah, zoology. I heard about your parking problems at the Walsh
Estate.
>> Simon: Yeah, it's legendary.
>> Craig: Took a lot of nerve to take on Lucinda like that.
>> Simon: No, no, no, no. Just a lot of scotch.
>> Craig: A lot of bad blood to ram into the castle gates -- or was it the
foyer?
>> Simon: And look what I got for it -- dragged off to jail, carted off to
court, and a hell of lot of traffic fines to pay.
>> Craig: She poisoned her daughter's mind against you, didn't she? If it
weren't for Lucinda, you and Lily might --
>> Simon: Just leave Lily out of this!
>> Craig: Okay. Okay. But still it has to rankle, doesn't it, even now. I mean,
after all is said and done, Lucinda really stuck it to you, didn't she?
>> Simon: Well, thanks for pointing that out.
>> Craig: Welcome. A man harboring such unbridled tred must think about
a quieter way to pay the old gal's kindness back, huh? One that might work
to his advantage.
>> Simon: How?
>> Craig: I believe she hired someone to steal documents from my suite
tonight. Documents that are important to me.
>> Simon: So, you want me to what? Go and sweet talk them out of her?
Maybe you want me to drag through a foyer again and demand them?
>> Craig: No. I want you to steal them back.
Scene 4:
Location: Burt's garage.
Scene: The shop.
SIMON FRAISER AND CRAIG MONTGOMERY
>> Craig: The plan is so simple, you could do it with your eyes closed.
>> Simon: What? Just stroll up to the front door --
>> Craig: No, no, no, the back door. There's no security, there's no guard.
My son always uses the garden entrance. And he is notoriously lax in
locking the doors, you can walk right in.
>> Simon: Well, you've got all this worked out, haven't you?
>> Craig: I don't have time for mistakes, Simon. Once you get into the
library, and you find these certain documents, you bring them back to me.
>> Simon: You're assuming a lot here. Number one, that I'm even interested.
>> Craig: Are you?
>> Simon: Why are you coming to me?
>> Craig: Well, I thought you could use the money. I know Katie's not used
to living under these --
>> Simon: Katie, Katie's free to leave whenever she chooses.
>> Craig: I also thought you had aspirations, Simon. Unless you grew up
dreaming of living next to a garage.
>> Simon: I do fine.
>> Craig: Oh, so you don't want to get back at Lucinda for meddling in your
life? Used your car as a battering ram, sure. But wouldn't it be nice to just
walk into the sanctum sanctorum of that shrew and exact a more lasting
revenge, and score some points for the good guys? This offer won't last
forever.
>> Simon: These papers -- they sound important.
>> Craig: They are.
>> Simon: Any chance they're the type of papers that might land you in
prison?
Scene 5:
Location: Burt's garage.
Scene: The shop.
SIMON FRAISER AND CRAIG MONTGOMERY
>> Simon: You still haven't answered my question.
>> Craig: Could these papers cause me legal trouble if they fell into the
wrong hands? No.
>> Simon: Then what's the problem?
>> Craig: They could cause a temporary embarrassment and a romantic
impediment with a certain woman, if you know what I mean.
>> Simon: No, I won't even pretend I do.
>> Craig: Of course not. Simon, all i'm asking for is your simple assistance.
It's a simple matter.
>> Simon: Yeah, I've got a simple request. Leave.
>> Craig: Simon --
>> Simon: Look, I'm a crazy man, Craig -- I mean, this crowbar might slip
out of my hand and, you know, oops --
>> Craig: I like the attitude. And you're gonna need it when you're carrying
out this request.
>> Simon: Forget it. I barely got out of doing time for my own bright ideas,
so there's no way I'm doing time for yours.
>> Craig: No one is going to do any time, Simon. You take care of me, and I
take care of you.
>> Simon: And why should I believe that?
>> Craig: We're brothers-in-law.
>> Simon: Right, and that means what?
>> Craig: Well, it's a certain formality. But I can see that my sister cares
very deeply about you. And I'd rather have her pining over you for the next
two years here, than lining up on visiting day to put her little hand against
the glass.
>> Simon: Such a close family resemblance, you and Katie.
>> Craig: Thanks. When you stop spinning your wheels, call me.
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March, 2001