EPISODE 6/21/06
Simon Rubs Katie Wrong

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June, 2006


WEDNESDAY, JUNE 21, 2006

Scene 1:
Location: Cruise Ship
Scene: Kasnoff's Cabin

SIMON FRASIER, KATIE KASNOFF

[ Posing as the masseur, Simon walks into the Kasnoff cabin.]
>> Katie: I'm so glad you're here. Oh, boy, do I need you. The truth is, I barely slept a wink last night. Our neighbors from across the hall were partying all night long. [ Katie sighs ] That is so good. Thank you, Mike. No, I mean, obviously, I know you're not Mike. He's the one who bought this massage for me. What a great honeymoon present, huh?


Scene 2:
Location: Cruise Ship
Scene: Kasnoff's Cabin

SIMON FRASIER, KATIE KASNOFF

>> Katie: You can't be done already. Mike said he booked you for the morning. Oh, good. 'Cause I could really get used to this. And if Miss Thing across the hall doesn't settle down, I'll need you every morning. It sounded like she never met a sailor she wouldn't take home. It was like fleet week over there last night. [ Simon chuckles ] It's good to hear you laugh. I haven't heard you say a word. That's probably the policy, though, right? They don't want you talking to the clients, 'cause it's supposed to be really relaxing. I guess I got my answer. You know, my husband slept through all that craziness last night? I couldn't believe it.
[ In French accent ]
>> Simon: Does that make you angry?
>> Katie: Excuse me?
>> Simon: You know, the husband.
>> Katie: Oh, no, no. I wasn't angry about it. I mean, Mike is the best. The absolute best. They do say the third time's a charm. I just never figured they meant marriages.
>> Simon: Three?
>> Katie: Yeah. Well, the second one doesn't really count. It was kind of an accident, really. I mean, I love Henry.
>> Simon: Hen --!
>> Katie: Whoa -- my best friend. Well, he's probably the best friend I'll ever have. Anyway, I only really married him to make Mike jealous, and then it turned into something else. And everybody ended up getting their hearts broken. Because Mike was always the one.
>> Simon: Not the first one?
>> Katie: My first husband -- I just -- I don't talk about him, ever.


Scene 3:
Location: Cruise Ship
Scene: Kasnoff's Cabin

SIMON FRASIER, KATIE KASNOFF

>> Katie: You are so good! You have a really nice touch. It's hard to be firm and gentle at the same time. Most men don't know how.
[ In French accent ]
>> Simon: Not husband?
>> Katie: Mike?
>> Simon: No. No, the first one.
>> Katie: Oh. Well, my first husband -- he was just wrong for me.
>> Simon: Wrong?
>> Katie: Yeah. Well, I mean, not at first. Simon was a bad boy, and I really liked that. I was young, so the danger was exciting for me. He was like the first love. You know, whatever. [ Simon scoffs ] Ow! I guess I shouldn't be too hard on Simon, though. He was a scoundrel, but the truth is, I wasn't much better. He was gorgeous. And he wasn't scared of anything. And I was crazy about him. But then he hurt me like no one ever had. Or ever will. Too many times. I guess I should shut up.
[ Dropping the French accent ]
>> Simon: Or you could mention that the man never meant to hurt you. And he was crazy about you, too. Massage is over. All right -- what's your plans for the rest of the day.
[ Katie looks shocked. ]

Scene 4:
Location: Cruise Ship
Scene: Kasnoff's Cabin

SIMON FRASIER, KATIE KASNOFF

>> Katie: Simon?
>> Simon: Katie?
>> Katie: What the hell are you doing here?
>> Simon: Giving you a much needed rubdown. Boy, you were tight.
>> Katie: Don't be flip about this, you know what I mean.
>> Simon: I'm on vacation. There's no law against that, right?
>> Katie: Would that stop you if there was?
>> Simon: All right, let's not dredge up my checkered past. Not when the present is so much more interesting.
>> Katie: Don't, don't.
>> Simon: I wanted to surprise you. I guess I succeeded, right?
>> Katie: So you followed me?
>> Simon: Followed -- no, no, no. More like I spotted you.
>> Katie: Oh, and you thought it would fine to just sneak into my room with some oil and get me to talk?
>> Simon: Well, that didn't take much coaxing.
>> Katie: I thought you were a stranger! That's different.
>> Simon: All right, okay. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let's reverse back here, by the way. Now, what was that thing you said? Yeah. You were married to Henry? What?
>> Katie: That is none of your business. Get out!
>> Simon: All right, look, let's not get hostile, okay?
>> Katie: I'm gonna go report this to the ship's captain.
>> Simon: All right, all right, all right. Keep your shirt on, all right?
>> Katie: Oh, I don't have shirt on! Simon, that's the point. You totally took advantage. [ Simon keeps Katie from opening the door. ]
>> Simon: Hmm. Not quick enough.
>> Katie: Then, how about twice as hard? Would that convince you?
>> Simon: No.
>> Katie: Too bad. I'm married, Simon. Happily.
>> Simon: Oh, yeah. Construction Mike, yeah?
>> Katie: Don't even try to cut him down to your size. Mike is the best.
>> Simon: You sure?
>> Katie: Why are you doing this? Is this like a bad reflex? I can't believe you!
>> Simon: Tell me you didn't feel that kiss.
>> Katie: I felt the massage, and I didn't ask for that, so --
>> Simon: Wow. Wow, you are completely over me.
>> Katie: Completely.
>> Simon: Good. Good, right? This is great. So let's call up Mike and we all can get together and celebrate. Where is he, in the gym? Yeah, it's like that game, "Construction Mike in the gym with his tool belt." I'll call him. Do you know what the extension is for him?
>> Katie: No, no, no! Don't you dare!


Scene 5:
Location: Cruise Ship
Scene: Kasnoff's Cabin

SIMON FRASIER, KATIE KASNOFF

Simon: Alright, what's the problem, Katie? If you're so over me, then surely Mike is not going to mind if we all get together and celebrate.
>> Katie: You got an old friend of his killed. You let that crazy woman loose on us and I had to kill her to defend myself. That's not something that either of us wants to relive at this point. >> Simon: I didn't know about Pilar. I told you all that.
>> Katie: Too late. And way too little.
>> Simon: Well, okay. So that's it. It's going to be all dark and gloomy, huh?
>> Katie: Not for Mike and me. That's the way you left us, but we got back. We're good. And I don't want you hurting Mike because you feel like dredging up old memories.
>> Simon: Sure that's what you are worried about?
>> Katie: Yes! Now just go. And stay away from us. Okay! In fact, just get off the boat.
>> Simon: Get of the boat. Can I at least wait until I get to a port? I mean, I'm a good swimmer, but there are sharks out there. Listen, why do I have to cut my vacation short, huh?
[ Knock on door ]
>> Katie: You owe us that much!
>> Mike: Katie, it's me. Are you decent? Open the door.


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June, 2006