EPISODE 7/5/01
Simon Rescues Katie

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July, 2001


THURSDAY, JULY 5, 2001

Scene 1
[ The Island ]
[ Katie is sleeping and dreaming about Simon ]

>> Katie: Simon, here you?
>> Simon: Katie?
>> Katie: You're in my dream.
>> Simon: No, I'm on your damn beach. You do anything like this again, I'm gonna leave you here. [ Katie can't believe her eyes and drops her coconut on Simon's feet ] Ow! Ow, ow --
>> Katie: Oh, Simon, I'm sorry -- I'm so, so sorry.
>> Simon: Don't -- don't touch me!
>> Katie: Is your foot okay?
>> Simon: Yes, it's fine. Leave me alone! Ow!
>> Katie: You found me.
>> Simon: Yes, yes, I found you. What do you think I'm going to do, just leave you here? Wake up!

Scene 2
[ The Island ]

>> Henry: We'll have the guava first and then the papaya.
>> Cooley: Yeah, you've got a great future as a fruit.
[ Cooley and Henry spot Katie and Simon kissing ]
Hand me a coconut.
>> Henry: Not on your life, island boy.
>> Cooley: Are you nuts? "A," he's kissing her. "B," she wouldn't kiss you or me. "C," he's a nasty son of a -- he burned down my hut and threw me off a cliff. Now, if we clock him now while she's sucking the life out of him, I got a chance. Otherwise, it's two against two, and he's got the plane!
>> Henry: Yeah, which is exactly why he's safe from me.
>> Cooley: Oh, well, get out of my way, you coward!
[ Cooley screams running towards Simon. Simon steps aside and Cooley keeps running past him] oh, oh, oh, oh!
>> Katie: I knew it.
>> Simon: Um -- get your stuff. We're going home.
>> Katie: You kissed me back.
>> Simon: Me, kiss you? What?! You're hallucinating. You're crazy.
>> Katie: No. Huh-uh. My lips have memory.
>> Simon: Ok, Katie, I wouldn't kiss you if you were stranded here for six years.
>> Henry: Well, you'd be surprised what you'd kiss if you were stranded here.
>> Simon: Oh, really?
>> Katie: Tell him. Tell him, Henry. Tell him you saw him kiss me.
>> Henry: Yeah, I'd swear to anything today. Simon, it has been bleak. I mean, wow! No vodka, no gin, and nothing but kumquats and Katie -- who, truth be told, never gave up hope. I mean, she said that you would come --
>>Katie: -- And kiss me.
>> Henry: But not that I doubted our Katie here, but the idea of you just dropping everything and flying out here to rescue us --
>> Katie: -- And kiss me.
>> Henry: Well it was far-fetched, but here you are! You're the man! Here you are, rescuing us --
>> Katie: -- And kissing me.
>> Henry: Too much sun.
>> Simon: Yeah, right, right, and whose fault is that, Henry?
>> Henry: Well, listen, I packed sun block, but our friend Cooley seems to have eaten it.
>> Simon: You put my wife into danger.
>> Henry: No, no, no, no, no, no. Your wife was the least person in danger. In fact, in fact, I think she would have eaten us -- not eaten us, but if you hadn't shown up, maybe boiled us, made dinner out of us or something. Tell him about the fire ants, Katie.
>> Simon: You took advantage of her, didn't you? You took advantage of her, yeah?
>> Henry: No, no, no, no, no. She was the one who came up with all this. .Katie.
>> Simon: You cooked up this entire scheme!
>> Henry: It was her idea!
>> Simon: Give me one good reason why I shouldn't wring your neck!
>> Henry: Katie, give him a reason, all right, will you -- now?
>> Katie: "Wife." He said "wife."
>> Henry: Hey, hey, far be it from me to come between a girl and her dream or a man and his wife.
>> Katie: "Wife"?
>> Simon: No, no, no, no. I know what it costs to rent a plane, Henry, and Katie doesn't have that, so this is your operation from the start.
>> Henry: No! Au contraire, mon ami. Your little Katie is quite the manager. She squirreled away a small fortune working at WOAK. Tell him, Katie.
>> Simon: Hmm?
>> Katie: I told you I was good with money. You just never listened.
>> Henry: 30 grand, I kid you not.
>> Simon: Look, being good with money doesn't mean she has to give it to the first leech that comes along.
>> Henry: Scout's honor, I did not touch a penny. She got the gear. She rented the plane.
>> Simon: She can't fly a plane.
>> Henry: All right, yes, the flying part was me, but that's only because she begged me to do it.
>> Simon: What, and you listened to her?!
>> Henry: You try stopping a Peretti in full battle mode! What am I saying? You can't. You're here, aren't you?
>> Katie: He's right. It's all your fault.

>> Simon: What?! My fault?!
>> Katie: Yes, because you're you, and I love you, and I know you wouldn't love me unless I found the diamond, so that involved getting the plane and convincing Henry, and so here we are. But it's all okay, because you kissed me back. And the best part is I found the diamond. So all is well that ends well, right?

Scene 3
[ The Island ]

>> Simon: Wait, wait. What do you mean, "found my diamond"? That's impossible.
>> Katie: Not for me. I just put on my scuba gear. I swam out to that reef. I dove down. And it was there, in the middle of all this seaweed.
>> Cooley: And that's the God's honest truth. Ah -- she's a wonder, your wife. And if you ever raise a hand to her, you'll answer to me. >> Katie: Oh, no, no. Simon would never do that. I mean, sometimes he gets a little frustrated and angry, but then he just slams out of the house.
>> Cooley: Well then, he's a fool. If you were my woman --
>> Henry: What?! I don't think we need to entertain Katie's husband with such a remote possibility.
>> Cooley: Anything you say, mango mama.
>> Henry: Ha, ha, ha, ha. It's true Simon. Katie found the diamond. >> Simon: Well, that's great! Fine, that is fantastic news. Just show me!
>> Katie: Well, I would. No, I will, as soon as we find the bird.
>> Cooley: And we will find the bird. I mean, it's got to come down one of these days.
>> Henry: Don't they spawn or something?
>> Katie: Ah, that's salmon.
>> Cooley: No, mate.
>> Katie: That's Simon.
>> Henry: Sorry. Just a little wrinkle, Simon, nothing to fret about.
>> Katie: See, I was showing the boys the diamond.
>> Cooley: It's gorgeous.
>> Henry: Yeah, and this bird swoops down --
>> Katie: Swooped down.
>> Cooley: And just made off with it.
>> Katie: So as soon as we find the bird, we'll show you the diamond.
>> Simon: Just wait, wait -- so you swam out into those currents which drowned probably -- probably the strongest women I know, and then you -- you -- what? You dove down into some razor sharp reef? And then, you found a diamond that had been lost there for one year? And then, a bird swoops in -- and flies away?
>> Katie: Yeah.
>> Cooley: That's it.
>> Henry: In a nutshell.
>> Simon: That is the craziest story I ever heard!
>> Henry: Well, unfortunately, it's true.
>> Simon: Right. Fine. You're a little bit -- whatever. Katie, get your stuff, honey, we're going home.
>> Katie: Not without the diamond we're not.
>> Simon: We are leaving! Okay?
>> Katie: Huh-uh. No diamond, no Katie.
>> Cooley: You want her to go home with you? Just tell her you love her, diamond or no diamond.
>> Katie: No, no, no, that's not fair. Simon has dedicated his entire life to wooing rich women. I was a rich
woman for five seconds and I will be again. I will find your diamond, I promise.

>> Simon: I don't need -- Katie, I'm outta here. Now, if you're coming with me, it's now or never.
>> Katie: No, I am not giving up on your dream, no matter what you say.
>> Henry: Whoa, whoa, whoa -- wait, wait, wait a second there. Where you going? Listen, I can live without diamonds. But vodka's another story. So, if you're casting off --
>> Katie: What kind of con man are you that you wouldn't take a chance on a sure thing?
>> Simon: What, what -- a bird with a diamond in its beak.
>> Katie: Me! I am a sure thing! Tell me, okay, think about it -- how many women do you know who would get a plane, crash it, come to this island, dive in the middle of the ocean and find a diamond for you? I'm amazing. Would you bet on me?
>> Cooley: In a heartbeat, darling.
>> Katie: And you?
>> Henry: Yeah, unfortunately, I find you impossible to resist.
>> Katie: See? So, you're outvoted. So, what we need to do is make some kind of a weapon and then we'll find my bird.
>> Simon: What -- your, your bird? There has to be at least 10,000 on this island.
>> Katie: Well, this one has a ring around his beak and very sharp eyes.
>> Simon: Well, that narrows it down.
>> Katie: Hey, what is the big deal? Why not take a chance, you're already here. I got it out of the water. All we need to do is find it in the air.
>> Simon: Well, you he-- you can look for one last time as we're flying away.
>> Katie: Fine go home if you want. But I'm gonna stay here and I'm gonna find your diamond. And then, I'm gonna swim home and give it to you.
>> Henry: Katie, Katie, I think now is the time to reconsider.
>> Katie: Not a chance.
>> Henry: Simon! Hey, you know your wife, she is stubborn. Listen, I tell you what. Why don't we just take off for the mainland? There's this cute little bar right on the outer banks. And then we'll let her get her hands dirty here and come back and pick her up around 0800 hours --
>> Simon: Listen, mate! You are not going anywhere.

Scene 4
[ The Island ]

>> Simon: You see that -- you see that plane out there?
>> Henry: Yeah, case in point. Katherine? Katherine, would you observe the structures that are holding up that plane, please?
>> Katie: The pontoons?

>> Henry: Mm-hmm, exactly. Yes, my dear, that is a sea plane, which is what she failed to rent --
>> Katie: Hey!
>> Henry: -- 'Causing us to have a nice little accident, just north of here, that I'll never forget.
>> Cooley: Yeah, it's pretty small. >> Simon: Yes, it is small, very small. So, sweetheart, you ain't goin' anywhere.
>> Henry: What?! You won't even know I'm there. No, hold it. Better idea -- I've got it. Why don't I just take the first leg? I'm a great pilot. You can ask Katie. That way, you two can just cozy up in the backseat there and get reacquainted. Yeah, no, two's company. Three's a, you know, big pain in the butt. But since I've been keeping your wife alive here, I really -- wha -- what -- what do you mean, "what backseat?" Wha -- what?

>> Simon: Uh, that's what I mean, "what backseat?" That's a two-seater plane. So anybody wanna guess what cross-dressing cutie pie gets to stay behind?
>> Cooley: Cross-dressing? You make a habit of this?


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July, 2001