EPISODE 7/24/00
Simon And Lily Try To Fool Cooley

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July, 2000


MONDAY, JULY 24, 2000

Scene 1:
Place: Deserted island off of the North Carolina coast - Atlantic Ocean.

Location: The cave.

LILY WALSH SNYDER AND SIMON FRAISER

[Simon, guarding the cave crouched with a long tree branch, momentarily nods off. As he drops the branch, it makes a noise. Lily was sleeping too.]

>> Lily: What?! What?!
>> Simon: It's okay. It's all right. I just nodded off, that's all.
>> Lily: I thought Cooley came back.
>> Simon: No. No sign of him all night.
>> Lily: You've been awake all night?
>> Simon: Yeah. Yeah, look, I'm fine, all right? I've been busy.
>> Lily: Why didn't you wake me up? I could have stood guard.
>> Simon: And done what exactly if he surprised us?
>> Lily: I have a very loud scream.
>> Simon: Yeah, well, hopefully, you won't have to use it. That guy is in for a very, very big surprise.
>> Lily: What is it?
>> Simon: Juice from the poison berries. I told you I was busy. I made this extract. This was washed up on the beach, and I found this for a stopper.
>> Lily: How poisonous is it?
>> Simon: Don't worry. It's just gonna knock him out. It won't kill him. But when he wakes up, he will have one heck of a headache.
>> Lily: How long before it takes effect?
>> Simon: Not long -- if we're lucky.
>> Lily: You mean, if I'm lucky.
>> Simon: Once he's out and you're safe, that's when we'll scramble to find the diode.
>> Lily: Please tell me that you're not lying. Look, despite what I said yesterday, I do not want to be a murderer.
>> Simon: No, no, no. No, I know. I swear. We've just got to concentrate right now on saving ourselves and getting you back to your children.
>> Lily: And Holden.
>> Simon: Yes.
>> Lily: Okay. Okay, the plan.
>> Simon: All right. Once Cooley comes and takes you, I will shadow you as closely as I can, but we need a signal just in case anything goes wrong.
>> Lily: What kind of signal?
>> Simon: Your laugh. Your big, loud American laugh.
>> Lily: You choose now to make fun of my laugh? Thank you very much.

COOLEY BREAKS INTO THE CAVE.

>> Cooley: Hey, hey! You two start the party without me? Huh? Or are you having a spat?
>> Lily: No. Just a little bit of cave fever.
>> Cooley: So what's it gonna be? You mine tonight?
>> Lily: Let's party.

Scene 2:
Place: Deserted island off of the North Carolina coast - Atlantic Ocean.
Location: The cave.

LILY WALSH SNYDER, SIMON FRAISER, AND BILL COOLEY

>> Cooley: Oh, yeah! Like my good old, bad old days.
>> Simon: Hey, take it easy! Take it easy on her!
>> Cooley: You don't like my style, mate?
>> Lily: Please, Simon, come on, come on! This is his island. We have to do it his way.
>> Cooley: Damn straight. Now you pay attention.
>> Lily: So we have a deal, right?
>> Cooley: Yeah, you get the radio part. And I get you.
>> Lily: Simon, listen. Without that diode, we cannot communicate with the rest of the world.
>> Cooley: Yeah, but why would you want to? You got me.
>> Lily: Just be gentle! Be nice!
>> Cooley: See, I know how to treat the lady, and the lady knows how to treat me.
>> Simon: Just for one night!
>> Cooley: Yeah, right. Let's go.
>> Simon: Don't you -- don't -- don't you dare hurt her.
>> Cooley: You stay put right here, pal. Or me an' "little Bill" will do to you what we did to your raft. Get in there. Go!

Scene 3:
Location: Cooley's hut.

LILY WALSH SNYDER AND BILL COOLEY

>> Cooley: Careful there.
>> Lily: Why don't we sit outside for awhile? The view is --
>> Cooley: Oh, forget the view! I want to see what I haven't seen in a long, long time.
>> Lily: You're a collector I see.
>> Cooley: And a hunter. See, I wanted some pets, but these guys were too wild.
>> Lily: I guess it gets lonely being here for such a long time.
>> Cooley: Yeah, but I ain't lonely now.
>> Lily: Oh, no!
>> Cooley: Don't tease! I'm not a teenager, and this ain't no drive-in.
>> Lily: I know! I just want to get to know you a little bit better. Girls like a little romance.
>> Cooley: What do ya think I been doin'?!
>> Lily: I'm thirsty -- do you have a drink? I need some water. Please? It was a long walk.
>> Cooley: No, I know what you need. A drink! You won't believe what I got. Hold that. You're in for a Cooley island special.
>> Lily: Oh, look at that. An orange! Oh, and that thing really works.
>> Cooley: Yeah, see, some oranges washed ashore, and this is the last one. I've been saving it for a special occasion.
>> Lily: This definitely qualifies, doesn't it?
>> Cooley: Oh, wait. Now for my special ingredient. Gimme this. Okay. Taste that. It's dynamite!
>> Lily: Oh my gosh. What is it?
>> Cooley: Cooley's moonshine. I make it myself.
>> Lily: How did you do that?
>> Cooley: I built a still out of some metal drums and some plastic tubing. Then I ferment some stuff.
>> Lily: I guess everything washes ashore after awhile, doesn't it?
>> Cooley: You did.
>> Lily: We certainly did.
>> Cooley: Yeah, so drink some more.
>> Lily: Oh, you know, I think I have to sip it. It really packs a wallop.
>> Cooley: Yeah, like "little Bill."
>> Lily: "Little Bill"?
>> Cooley: Meet "little Bill."
>> Lily: Oh, "little Bill." How you doing?
>> Cooley: Now that we're all acquainted --
>> Lily: Oh, you know, if that's "little Bill," who's big Bill?
>> Cooley: You're looking at him. Big Bill Cooley. What's the matter? You got a stomach ache?
>> Lily: Oh, yeah, this stuff is very strong.
>> Cooley: Yeah.
>> Lily: Very, very strong.
>> Cooley: Well, the stronger the better.
>> Lily: Why don't you have some?
>> Cooley: Oh, no, I only got the one cup.
>> Lily: Look, I'll share it with you.
>> Cooley: I said -- are you deaf? I said not now!

Scene 4:
Location: Outside of Cooley's hut.

SIMON FRAISER ALONE.

[Simon is shown nearby, pushing some brush aside.]

Location: Cooley's hut.

LILY WALSH SNYDER AND BILL COOLEY

>> Lily: I don't like to drink alone.
>> Cooley: Yeah, but I can't drink that stuff. It makes me crazy!
>> Lily: Maybe that's what I like.
>> Cooley: You wouldn't like that. See, I start -- I can't stop.
>> Lily: But what good is it if just one of us is in the mood, Bill?
>> Cooley: Well, don't you worry, sweetheart. I'm in the mood. Drink up!
>> Lily: This stuff is not good on an empty stomach.
>> Cooley: Gimme that. That's a man's drink, not for some sweet little girlie. Aw, that's awful. You show doctor Cooley where it hurts. Here? Here?
[Laughter.]
>> Cooley: Here?
[Laughter.]
>> Cooley: Here?
[Laughter.]
>> Cooley: Shh. Sounds like we got us a visitor. "Little Bill," lets you and me give him a big island welcome.
>> Lily: No! No, it was probably just the wind or a critter, something.
>> Cooley: No, I think we got us some big game.

Scene 5:
Location: Outside of Cooley's hut.

LILY WALSH SNYDER, SIMON FRASIER, AND BILL COOLEY

[Laughter.]
>> Lily: What's the big joke?
>> Cooley: That! How do you like your little hammock, partner? At least you can't fall out.
>> Simon: Look, I was worried about her, okay?
>> Cooley: Oh, I figured that. I figured that. So I rigged a little surprise.
>> Simon: All right, let me down! You've had your laugh.
>> Lily: You can't blame him for being jealous.
>> Cooley: Tough. This is a private party, sweet lips. No gate crashers.
>> Simon: I'm warning you. Just don't hurt her.
>> Cooley: This ain't about hurtin'. It's about lovin'. Sweet and slow. Get in there. As long as you're hanging around, partner, why don't you just relax? Just relax. See, I got plans for you later, mate. You thought you could fool me.
>> Lily: No. No, I didn't.

Location: Cooley's hut.

LILY WALSH SNYDER AND BILL COOLEY

>> Cooley: Yeah, you thought I was just some old, crazy castaway.
>> Lily: Well, aren't you?
>> Cooley: A dame with salt. I like that. But don't play me for a fool.
>> Lily: Look, with Simon out there, I can't concentrate.
>> Cooley: Oh, then why don't I just go kill him right now?
>> Lily: No! Look, if you do that, I'll be a mess. I'll be crying. I'll be all upset. Look, grief and romance don't mix.
>> Cooley: Is this another one of your tricks?
>> Lily: No, look, I told him to stay away, but he thinks he knows everything. All men are alike.
>> Cooley: Yeah, we hate to be tricked!
>> Lily: Maybe he's afraid that I would never come home.
>> Cooley: Aw, don't you worry about that. You and dingo boy ain't going anywhere.

Location: Outside Cooley's hut.

SIMON FRAISER ALONE.

[Simon takes out a pocket knife to cut the netting.]

Location: Cooley's hut.

LILY WALSH SNYDER AND BILL COOLEY

>> Cooley: He's awful quiet out there.
>> Lily: No, forget him! Forget him! Look, look, look! We have a date.
>> Cooley: Yeah, well, so far it's all work and no play.
>> Lily: You don't think that I'm worth the effort?
>> Cooley: Well, I intend to find out. Just let me look at you. Yum, yum. You're so pretty. Pretty, pretty. What's that?
>> Lily: What?
>> Cooley: That!
>> Lily: Oh, that's just a little something that "little Bill" left behind.
>> Cooley: "Little Bill" did that? Oh, I'm so sorry he made a boo-boo on your beautiful body. Why don't you let big Bill kiss it and make it better?

Location: Outside Cooley's hut.

SIMON FRAISER ALONE.

[Simon drops the pocket knife.]

Scene 6:
Location: Outside Cooley's hut.

SIMON FRAISER ALONE.

[Simon listens and then tries to work out of the netting.]

Location: Cooley's hut.

LILY WALSH SNYDER AND BILL COOLEY

>> Lily: Don't do that! Your beard is scratchy!
>> Cooley: Can't believe how ticklish you are.
>> Lily: You know what I need? I need another drink. I need that drink to relax me a little bit.
>> Cooley: Yeah, so far, you're no fun.
>> Lily: That's why I need a Cooley cocktail!
>> Cooley: Well, we better have a lot of fun. You get my drift? I don't want to forget tonight.
>> Lily: You won't. Trust me. Oh, look, there's little -- there's sand in it.
>> Cooley: God, you're worse than a kid.
>> Lily: No, you know what? Let me do that. Let me do that. How long has it been -- sit down -- since someone waited on you? I know that I'm the guest, but --
>> Cooley: You better hurry up.
>> Lily: You know, you have the most beautiful eyes. That was the first thing I noticed about you when I saw you was your eyes. You remind me of that actor on that show.
>> Cooley: You must be awful thirsty.
>> Lily: You surprised me.
>> Cooley: Oh, you ain't seen nothin' yet.
>> Lily: Oh, come here. Take a sip. Take a sip. You go first.
>> Cooley: What?
>> Lily: Come on, come on. You promised.
>> Cooley: The hell I did.
>> Lily: I don't trust a man who won't drink with me, so drink up.
>> Cooley: All right, but it's your funeral. Whoa! I'm on fire! Let's slip into something more comfortable -- like my bed!

Scene 7:
Location: Cooley's hut.

LILY WALSH SNYDER AND BILL COOLEY

>> Cooley: I'm on fire for you, baby! Don't be shy! Come back to "little Bill." I know! I know. Let's dance. What's a party without dancing?
>> Lily: No music!
>> Cooley: Yeah, that's 'cause dingo boy copped my radio. I'll give you music.
[Cooley singing.]
"You'll be my first love when I know it's right"
>> Lily: You're hurting my ears!
>> Cooley: My pounding heart says now's the time you jerkin' me around?
>> Lily: Look, I just want the moment to last. That's all.
>> Cooley: Oh, I'll make the moment last. You gonna kiss me, or not?!
>> Lily: No, no -- stop it!
>> Cooley: Ow, that brew! I told you!
>> Lily: Maybe you drank it too fast, huh?
>> Cooley: No, you tricked me. You put something in it!
>> Lily: No, I didn't! I didn't!
>> Cooley: Yes, you did!
>> Cooley: I'll kill you! Ahh --

SIMON FRAISER ENTERS

>> Simon: That's enough. I think he's a goner.
>> Lily: What? No, no, you swore nothing would happen to him! You promised me!
>> Simon: How much of it did you give him exactly?
>> Lily: I put everything! I put the whole bottle into the moonshine that he was drinking. He chugged the whole thing --
>> Simon: Calm down. It was obviously a lethal combination, all right? We weren't to know. We've got to get rid of him now. All right? Give me a hand, please!

Scene 8:
Location: Cooley's hut.

LILY WALSH SNYDER AND SIMON FRAISER

>> Simon: Well, that's done.
>> Lily: Why did we have to come back here?
>> Simon: We've got to get that radio operating, Lily. Hey, are you all right?
>> Lily: I'm never gonna be all right again.
>> Simon: Hey, come here. Come on. Sit down.
[Lily whimpers.]
>> Simon: Lily, listen to me. Listen to me. That guy was a madman. All right? He was gonna kill us, and you know that. We were lucky. You were brave. You were very brave. If it wasn't for you, we would both be dead. Now we have to find that diode right now, or else we'll never get off this stinking island.


Home
Simonscript
July, 2000