EPISODE 7/1/02
Simon Meets "Simon"

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July, 2002


MONDAY, JULY 1, 2002

Scene 1:
Location: El Capitan Hotel
Scene: Katie Frasier's Room

"SIMON FRASIER", KATIE FRASIER

>> Katie: I don't know why you're standing there, looking at me like that. I told you I was leaving.
>> "Simon": And I told you no.
>> Katie: I don't like this caveman schtick of yours, Simon. But you know what? You don't like being told what to do? Right back at ya.
[ "Simon" clears his throat ]
>> Katie: If you don't get out of my way, I'm gonna kick you so hard that you will sound like Alvin and the chipmunks. Simon --
>> "Simon": Tell me what you know about the diamond.
>> Katie: Have you gone completely nuts? Simon Frasier, tell me you did not just manhandle me!
>> "Simon": I'll kill you -- I'll kill you if you don't tell me where the diamond is.
>> Katie: You'll kill me?
>> "Simon": Uh-huh.
>> Katie: Oh, that's great. After everything we've been through, you're just gonna kill me? Fine. Go ahead. But you better make sure I'm dead, 'cause if I'm not, you're gonna see a side of me you've never seen before.

Scene 2:
Location: El Capitan Hotel
Scene: Katie Frasier's Room

"SIMON FRASIER", KATIE FRASIER

>> "Simon": All right, let me bring you up to speed here. This is usually the point where people beg for their lives or tell me what I want to know.
>> Katie: So this is how you're gonna end this nightmare? You're just gonna kill the only woman who's ever loved you?
>> "Simon": Katie. Katie, Katie, I don't wanna hurt you. I just wanna know where the diamond is.
>> Katie: Yeah, you and everybody else who's ever looked at it. I don't know. How am I supposed to know? And by the way -- I never thought you would break my heart. But this morning, you proved me wrong. I have never been so hurt, so ashamed, so disappointed in anyone in my entire life. So if you want to look for that stupid diamond, fine! Do it yourself! I'm going back to Oakdale.
>> "Simon": Hey. Whoa. Well, well, well, what a woman. I underestimated you, Katie. I think I need a little help from an old friend.

Scene 3:
Location: Avanya Jailhouse
Scene: Simon's Cell

SIMON FRASIER, "SIMON FRASIER", JAILER

[ jailer enters area with Keys jangling, speaking in Spanish ]
>> jailer: Hey, wake up. You have a visitor.
>> Simon: Yeah? Oh, it better be someone from the Australian embassy.
>> "Simon": No. So -- what do you think?
>> Simon: What? What, are you wearing a mask?
>> "Simon": No. I'm as real as I can get. Better, actually. Well, well, well. We're pretty good-lookin' guys.
>> Simon: So what? What are you, my long-lost twin?
>> "Simon": No, don't be stupid. Do you know how long I've been following you? Tracking down your every move, your habits? The way you dazzle women and fill your pockets and move on? Years, I tell you. So it's nice to finally meet you in the flesh.
>> Simon: So you -- you have a name?
>> "Simon": Donovan. Donovan curry. You remember Monte Carlo, a few years back?
>> Simon: Yeah, I might.
>> "Simon": I saw you across the casino. Across that room. And I couldn't believe it. You were me. Actually, you were a whole lot better off than me. And I wondered what it would be like to be you. Big, high roller, beautiful woman on my arm. So a nip here, a tuck there. And then I found out about the diamond.
>> Simon: All right. So now we're getting to it.
>> "Simon": You lost that rock, but I knew that you wouldn't give it away. No. No, it's been a long time waiting for you to pick up the scent. And here we are. The diamond's here in Avanya somewhere, and Simon's on the case.
>> Simon: Well, it sounds like you've got it all worked out, mate. I'm not gonna even bother lying to you. I have no idea where the diamond is.
>> "Simon": Yeah. Maybe not. But you know that beautiful little wifey you're saddled with?
>> Simon: What, Katie's here?
>> "Simon": Yeah. I gotta tell ya, she doesn't scare too easily. Trust me. I've tried. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What have they been feeding you, raw meat?
>> Simon: Don't you dare try and touch her!
>> "Simon": She knows where the diamond is. Well, at least, according to Cooley.
>> Simon: You know Cooley? You know Cooley? Cooley's here? He's the one you want to muscle! All right? What about Joe? Does Cooley have Joe?
>> "Simon": Who is this Joe everyone's so worried about?
>> Simon: Rose D'Angelo father. They've traded Joe for the provenance.
>> "Simon": Well, I've got to tell you, I just got the provenance. Now all I need is the diamond. And Katie knows where it is. Now, you either help me with that or I gut your pretty wife and feed her to the gulls.

Scene 4:
Location: Avanya Jailhouse
Scene: Simon's Cell

SIMON FRASIER, "SIMON FRASIER"(DONOVAN CURRY)

>> Simon: You're gonna kill Katie, and she's the one with the answers?
>> "Simon": I'm out of patience, Simon.
>> Simon: Well, Katie's innocent. If she knew anything, she'd tell you. She's got nothing to prove!
>> "Simon": All right. All right, then. Then you tell me how to win her over, and everything's gonna be just fine.
>> Simon: All right. I'll give it to you straight. But I want a deal.
>> "Simon": Oh, right? Well, we'll see.
>> Simon: First thing is you don't go to bed with her.
[ "Simon" laughs ]
>> "Simon": Hey, look, I'm not trying to play milkman while the hubby's away at work, you twit! That diamond's worth sultan money. That's what I want.
>> Simon: Just don't touch her. Because she'll know you're not me.
>> "Simon": Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever. All right, so tell me -- what do I do?
>> Simon: All right. Once you get the information, you give me your word that you're not gonna hurt her.
>> "Simon": All right. Right, and what if I don't agree?
>> Simon: Then we all lose.
>> "Simon": Right. I get the stone, she lives.
>> Simon: Okay. All right. Let me tell you how to make her stay.

Scene 5:
Location: El Capitan Hotel
Scene: Katie Frasier's Room

"SIMON FRASIER", KATIE FRASIER

>> Katie: You know, if you could talk, I'd probably just run away with you and forget the real Simon.
>> "Simon": Katie?
>> Katie: Hey. I wasn't so sure you'd be back. Missed quite a night. I saw Cooley downstairs. Just before he died. Or was murdered, actually. Things are getting way out of hand here. I don't know if I wanna stick around and be part of it.
>> "Simon": Well, you're still here. So I guess that means something. Right?
>> Katie: Where were you?
>> "Simon": Uh -- I went out for a long walk. I was thinking about you. I'm sorry.
>> Katie: You're sorry?
>> "Simon": Yeah. I also went and saw a doctor. I wasn't gonna say anything, but I've got -- kinda got this viral condition.
>> Katie: What?!
>> "Simon": Yeah, it's called Malta Fever. It's a tropical disease.
>> Katie: Oh, my god.
>> "Simon": Yeah, they say I probably got it last summer, but it's remained dormant up until now. I get these migraines and these weird delusions! I'm sorry I've been so horrible to you.
>> Katie: Well, that totally makes sense. It explains --
>> "Simon": I also got you this. Yeah. I figured you probably missed Snicker. Snickerdoodle.
>> Katie: Thank you. That's -- oh, that's very sweet.
>> "Simon": And there's another thing I gotta tell you about. This -- this disease -- we probably shouldn't touch or anything like that at all until I'm cured. But I just wanted to make it up to you.
>> Katie: Honey, I don't care what you have.
[ "Simon" groans after being kissed.]
>> "Simon": That was dumb! I told you I didn't wanna get you sick! Oh, I'm gonna wash up!
>> Katie: God. That's not Simon.

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July, 2002