EPISODE 7/10/01
Rose Asks Simon To Go To Malta And Help Lily

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Simonscript
July, 2001


TUESDAY, JULY 10, 2001

Scene 1:
Location: Lakeview Hotel
Scene: Penthouse suite

SIMON FRASIER AND MRS. KATIE PERETTI FRASIER

>> Simon: Oh, finally. Well, come on.
>> Katie: I'm waiting.
>> Simon: For what?
>> Katie: For my sexy husband to carry me over the threshold.
>> Simon: Come on, this is not our home. We did not just get married. And we've returned from hell, not our honeymoon.
>> Katie: So the honeymoon begins now. Oh, no, wait. Actually, it began on the plane when you said that four-letter word.
>> Simon: Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait. I've been tempted many times, but I've never used profanity with you.
>> Katie: No, I mean the "L" word! Now, are you gonna carry me over the threshold, or are we going to sit here and pass out from exhaustion?
>> Simon: Fine, fine. Okay, allow me. [Talking to Snickers] Welcome home, sweetheart. It's good to have you back.
>> Katie: Very funny.
>> Simon: And get that thing a cage. You don't want Snickers leaving little presents all over the carpet.
>> Katie: Oh, Snickers is the smartest wittle bunny ever, huh, baby? I'm going to train him -- or her.
>> Simon: Yeah, as long as it keeps you out of trouble.
>> Katie: You know, I keep thinking maybe I should have left Snickers with Henry. He'd be much better company than Mr. Cooley and my old coconut gallery.
>> Simon: Yeah, look, Henry got exactly what he deserved.
>> Katie: Henry is not all that bad. You just have to get to know him.
>> Simon: Henry is trouble.
>> Katie: Yeah, well, some may say the same about you.
>> Simon: Yeah, well, some people may be right.
>> Katie: We just can't leave him out there forever, right?
>> Simon: It's all right. I'll alert the coast guard tomorrow. In the meantime, him and Cooley can have a night of male bonding.
>> Katie: I just hope Henry doesn't do anything to make Cooley angry.
>> Simon: He better not, because Cooley's pretty handy with a machete.
>> Katie: Henry detests violence.
>> Simon: Then he better hitch up his skirt and run like the devil until the Coast Guard arrives.
>> Katie: That's a good idea. Because there's nothing we can do right now, right? And we have more important things to do.
>> Simon: Oh, exactly, like sleep.
>> Katie: No, like keep your promise to make mad, passionate love to your wife.
>> Simon: Oh, no --
>> Latie: Don't, don't. A promise is a promise.
>> Simon: I know a promise is a promise, but --
>> Katie: Oh, yea! Finally. Finally, my dream is gonna be fulfilled.

Scene 2:
Scene: Penthouse suite

SIMON FRASIER AND MRS. KATIE PERETTI FRASIER

>> Katie: Here I am, darling. Oh, I forgot music. Please let him want me as much as I want him. Okay, I'm all fresh and clean and ready to be ravaged. Sweetheart? Lover? My one and only? Talk to me, baby. Whisper in my ear.
[Simon snores.]
>> Katie: Hey!
>> Simon: Whoa!
>> Katie: Wake up, it's showtime.
>> Simon: What are you doing?
>> Katie: I'm seducing my husband. What does it look like?
>> Simon: Please, Katie, not now, I'm begging you. I'm really beat.
>> Katie: Don't worry, I'll wake you up. Prepare to be amazed. You know, it's a lot more fun if you help.

Scene 3:
Scene: Penthouse suite

SIMON FRASIER AND MRS. KATIE PERETTI FRASIER

>> Simon: What do you see in me, Katie?
>> Katie: Have you looked in the mirror lately?
>> Simon: Wait, wait. Do I shower you with gifts? Do I write you long, passionate love letters? Do I pamper you at all?
>> Katie: I don't need those things.
>> Simon: What do you need?
>> Katie: That's simple. I need you. You said the word. I don't care how you love me, even if it's in this loosely defined way. Love is love, you know? And it's not just doled out in these little increments. You feel it or you don't. See, that's what was wrong with all your exes. They just didn't have the patience to wait you out.
>> Simon: Don't rewrite history. Okay, I treated them badly.
>> Katie: Don't talk about yourself like that, okay? You are my Prince.
>> Simon: Prince of what?
>> Katie: Of my dreams. I'm young. I have time on my side. I can wait forever. Because I know that someday you're going to come out of this negative, moody, love doesn't exist phase. And when you do, you're gonna fall for me like a ton of bricks.
>> Simon: By then, we both might be too old to do anything about it.
>> Katie: I'll risk it. I know, I know, you're a guy. You have needs. That's why you gave in to me tonight. I'm not totally clueless. But I also know that someday you're gonna want me because you want me, not because your hormones are raging. So I'll be there, waiting.
>> Simon: You're serious, aren't you?
>> Katie: I don't joke when it comes to us.
>> Simon: Us is just a fantasy of that tangled brain of yours.
>> Katie: Really? Well, this tangled brain got you to fly across the country to some pinhead island to save her. And I know -- I would bet the rest of my savings on it -- that a teeny bit of you was worried that something had happened to me -- maybe Cooley had used me for shark bait or something, or worse. It's true, isn't it? You were scared. You were scared that you'd might not get to see this face or this tangled brain again.

Song: Forever in your eyes
Forever in your eyes
Forever in your eyes

[pounding on door.]
[pounding on door.]
>> Katie: I don't care if it's a van with a million-dollar prize.
>> Simon: Look, I should get it.
>> Katie: No, no, no, no. Shh! They won't hear us. They won't even know we're here. Just pretend they're gone.

ROSE D'ANGELO'S VOICE IS HEARD FROM OUTSIDE THE DOOR

>> Rose: Simon! The guy at the front desk told me that you and Barbie just waltzed in here. Now, open up the door before I gotta bribe a bellman to knock the door down.

Scene 4:
Scene: Penthouse suite

SIMON FRASIER AND MRS. KATIE PERETTI FRASIER

[Pounding on door.]
>> Simon: Look, Rose is a pit bull, okay? You just stay there. I won't be long.
>> Katie: You better not be, or I'm siccing Snickers on her.

ROSE D'ANGELO AND SIMON FRASIER

>> Rose: You're rude! You're very rude!
>> Simon: Oh, come in. Yes.

ROSE D'ANGELO, SIMON FRASIER, AND KATIE FRASIER

>> Rose: Oh, my! Whoo! Nice. Hold the hot sauce.
[Rose chuckles.]
>> Rose: Can you answer me a question? Is she underage?
>> Simon: What do you want, Rose?
>> Rose: I want to get this vision outta my head right now. Well, apparently, absence makes the heart grow hormones.
>> Katie: Hey, I don't remember sending out invitations.
>> Simon: Look, is Lily okay?
>> Rose: No, I look like a --
>> Katie: Oh, I'm -- yeah, I heard about Holden and Luke. I'm really sorry.
>> Rose: Thank you. Lily thinks Holden and Luke are still alive, and that they're in Malta being held by Damian in some castle. She's on her way over there right now! She got a note from Holden, a legitimate note -- I'll give you everything, all the -- let's go. Let's just go. I need your help.
>> Katie: Wait, wait. Hold on. Who is Damian, and what does it have to do with my husband?
>> Simon: Lily went to Malta alone?
>> Rose: Yeah. You know her head is like concrete when she has set her mind on something.
>> Simon: And Lucinda let her?
>> Rose: She didn't have a choice, okay? And I'm really worried about her. The guys that shot up her house like Swiss cheese, they're not playin' games.
>> Simon: How could Lucinda let her own daughter go to -- go to this island unprotected?
>> Katie: Oh, again with you and Lily and an island.
>> Rose: She needs a bodyguard, okay, a guy with a mind and a mouth who could talk down a firing squad if he had to.
>> Katie: Now, wait. My husband is not going to Malta, wherever on the earth Malta might be.
>> Rose: Are you speaking?
>> Katie: Look, Lucinda doesn't even want Simon in the same solar system as Lily.
>> Rose: Lucinda wants Lily to be safe. And if Simon is the man for the job, she is on board.
>> Simon: How on board?
>> Rose: This on board -- a blank check with your name on it, with Lucinda Walsh's John Hancock. Just name your price.

Scene 5:
Scene: Penthouse suite

SIMON FRASIER, MRS. KATIE PERETTI FRASIER, AND ROSE D'ANGELO
>> Simon: Look, I've already played detective. I tracked down the speedboat, the lollipop, Damian's cell phone number.
>> Rose: Yeah, I know. That's exactly why Lily's all over this Malta thing. Didn't I pay you enough dough for your last expedition? It's not my fault you wanted to drag trouble right back to your front door.
>> Katie: Hey, who are you calling trouble?
>> Rose: Simon, I know what you're thinking. You don't wanna wear your heart on your sleeve again just for it to be ground like sausage. Lucinda knows this is a difficult job for you, but she also knows you are the man for the job.
>> Katie: Listen, Rose, I don't know how long it's been since a man actually even looked at you, so you might not recognize what's going on here --
>> Rose: Are you speaking?! Could you stop speaking for like a second?! Lily is halfway to Malta right now! She's putting herself right into an ambush! She's walking into a mine field! Are -- alone! Are you okay with that?!
>> Katie: Don't listen to her, Simon. She's just trying to get to you.
>> Rose: You know -- you know what? I am. I am. My entire life, I -- I felt like something was missing from my life, and I never knew why. I even made up imaginary friends. I laid on my bed, and I'd stare and talk to thin air, and nothing filled that space in my life until I came face-to-face with Lily. Years it took me to find Lily, and I don't wanna lose her again. Do you?
>> Simon: You tell Lucinda that she will get her answer in person. The next time she wants something from me, she better park the checkbook, get on her hands and knees and come begging for me herself.

Scene 6:
Scene: Penthouse suite

SIMON FRASIER AND MRS. KATIE PERETTI FRASIER

>> Katie: I am so glad you didn't let her get to you. Now, where were we? Hey, what are you doing?
>> Simon: I'm going to go teach a very rich and very arrogant woman a lesson in human dignity.
>> Katie: Now, when you could be teaching me a lesson in human sexuality? Oh, come on. You're leaving me for Lucinda?! It's none of our business. Yes, I feel sorry for Lily, but not that sorry, so come back to bed.
>> Simon: Don't you move a pretty little muscle. I'll be back soon, okay?
[Katie sighs.]
[door closing.]

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July, 2001