EPISODE 7/03/06
Simon Jumps Overboard

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July, 2006


MONDAY, JULY 03, 2006

Scene 1:
Location: Cruise Ship
Scene: Kasnoff's Cabin

MIKE KASNOFF, VIENNA HYATT

>> Mike: This door won't open. It's really jammed.
>> Vienna: Make it stop!
>> Mike: What, the storm?
>> Vienna: Whatever! I hate it when the floor moves.
>> Mike: Just lie down and close your eyes, then.
>> Vienna: Not without something to hold onto. Lie down with me.
>> Mike: No, are you kidding me? Katie's up on the deck. I've got to go find her.
>> Vienna: Forget about Katie. She's probably up there in the lounge with Simon drinking one of those Australian beers he's so devoted to. You know he told me that the bubbles would settle my stomach? Do you believe it? Oh, my god, I need my medication! Open that door, cupcake, or this is not going to be pretty.


Scene 2:
Location: Ocean
Scene: Hanging on to Life Preserver

SIMON FRASIER, KATIE KASNOFF

>> Simon: Grab on! Hold on.
>> Katie: Where's the boat?
>> Simon: Turn around.
>> Katie: No! Wait, wait! We're over here!
>> Simon: They're never going to hear you.
>> Katie: Don't leave us!
>> Simon: Katie!
>> Katie: We're going to die!
>> Simon: No, we're not.
>> Katie: Yes, we are.
>> Simon: No, we're not.
>> Katie: How can you say that? We're in the middle of the ocean in the middle of a storm in the middle of the night. This is all your fault.
>> Simon: My fault? What?
>> Katie: I'm supposed to be on my honeymoon, and instead, I'm in the water and Mike's on the boat and I'm never going to see him again! No, I hate you.
>> Simon: Well, that's just too bad, all right? 'Cause right now, I'm all you've got.


Scene 3:
Location: Cruise Ship
Scene: Kasnoff's Cabin

MIKE KASNOFF, VIENNA HYATT

>> Mike: Hey, is anybody out there? We need some help in here!
>> Vienna: I don't think anyone cares.
>> Mike: Hey, just a little help! The door's jammed!
>> Vienna: No one can hear you. And it seems like Simon and Katie have deserted us, so we might as well just make the best of it.
>> Mike: How do you suggest we do that?
>> Vienna: Why don't we start by making a deal. Lucky for you, I've got a lot of money. Name your price.
>> Mike: For what?
>> Vienna: Just get me back on to dry land. You can have anything you want. [ Vienna screams ] Or we could just ride it out right here.
>> Mike: Okay, get off me.
>> Vienna: I don't think you understand. I don't do water, unless it's very hot and very shallow.
>> Mike: That's not my problem.
>> Vienna: Well, I didn't make the rain. I don't even like rain. I'm a sun person, okay? Wait! I can't swim!


Scene 4:
Location: Ocean
Scene: Hanging on to Life Preserver

SIMON FRASIER, KATIE KASNOFF

>> Simon: Katie. Katie.
>> Katie: What?
>> Simon: Sing us a song.
>> Katie: Sing you a song?
>> Simon: Yeah, yeah. It'll cheer us both up. Sing a song.
>> Katie: The only thing that would cheer me up is that boat coming back and getting me and leaving you here.
>> Simon: Well, that's not very nice. After all, who jumped in and saved you. Me. Husband number one.
>> Katie: You are not husband number one.
>> Simon: Well, that's good. Good. Keep yelling at me. You're getting some color back in your cheeks. And you're nice and energized so we can get the hell out of here.
>> Katie: Yeah, and how are we going to do that?
>> Simon: We swim to the nearest island. I know where -- due west -- yes, an island.
>> Katie: Oh, another island! Please, we have both had our share of islands. I'm not going to another island with you.
>> Simon: Really? I'm just gonna have to leave you here with the sharks, huh? That's too bad, because you have such pretty legs. Ow!
>> Katie: I really hate you!
>> Simon: So what's it going to be, Kate?
>> Katie: Don't call me that.
>> Simon: God, you're so irritable when you're wet.
>> Katie: I'm not irritable, I'm scared.
>> Simon: I'm not going to let anything happen to you, I promise.
>> Katie: The only way I'm going to get back alive and well is if I stay right where the boat can find me. I'm sure the Coast Guard's been called by now. There's gonna be helicopters overhead any minute. And I'm going to be right here waiting.
>> Simon: As you've pointed out before, it's the middle of the night, the middle of the storm in the middle of the ocean in the middle of the night. It could take hours before they realize we're gone. And then they're going to have to mobilize, retrace their route and then hope that we haven't been eaten, drowned or blown so far off course they'll never find us.
>> Katie: We're going to die.
>> Simon: No.
>> Katie: I'm never going to see Mike again.
>> Simon: We are not going to die if you'd just start kicking those pretty little legs of yours, all right? Now stop whining and start kicking. It's Mike or the sharks, babe. It's up to you. Go.


Scene 5:
Location: Cruise Ship
Scene: Kasnoff's Cabin

MIKE KASNOFF, VIENNA HYATT, CAPTAIN

>> Mike: I'm going to need a map of the ship. I'm going to search it myself. She has to be onboard somewhere.
>> Captain: You're welcome to look anywhere you like, Mr. Kasnoff. I'd be willing to assist you. But my crew made a thorough search. And unless your wife is deliberately hiding from us, she's not onboard.
>> Mike: Why would she be hiding?
>> Captain: I don't mean to pry, but if you and your wife had a fight --
>> Mike: No, no, no, we didn't have a fight at all. We're on our honeymoon. She wasn't feeling well, so she went up on the deck to get some air.
>> Vienna: Did you find Katie?
>> Mike: Not yet.
>> Vienna: Because I've searched everywhere, and Simon's gone, too.


Scene 6:
Location: Ocean
Scene: Hanging on to Life Preserver

SIMON FRASIER, KATIE KASNOFF

>> Katie: Simon, I can't do this anymore.
>> Simon: All right, we can rest for a few seconds, but we have to keep moving.
>> Katie: I can't. I'm tired. And what's the point, anyway? We don't even know where we're going.
>> Simon: Katie, have you ever known me to get in a car without looking at a map? Or on a boat without looking at the charts? I know we head due west --
>> Katie: I'm not going anywhere with you.
>> Simon: Oh, yeah, real smart that is. I see you've learned a thing or two hanging out with what's-his-name.
>> Katie: Mike.
>> Simon: He'd be real proud of you, wouldn't he? Giving up.
. >> Katie: I'm not giving up, Simon. I'm just not going along with you. So just go off to your little island, okay? Just go.
>> Simon: Fine. You know what, have it your way.
>> Katie: Simon? Simon! Simon? Simon! Wait, Simon! Ah!
[ Katie screams ] I thought you were a shark. Don't ever do that to me again!
>> Simon: All right. Are you ready to go?
>> Katie: Yes!
>> Simon: Look at me. I promise you I'm going to get us out of this, okay?
>> Katie: Don't make me any promises. Just get me to a beach.
>> Simon: Due west.


Scene 7:
Location: Cruise Ship
Scene: Simon's Cabin

MIKE KASNOFF, VIENNA HYATT, CAPTAIN, PURSER

>> Captain: Any word on Mrs. Kasnoff?
>> Purser: Mr. Diaghilev was watching the storm from the stateroom. He swears he saw two people go over the rail. A petite blonde woman and a tall dark gentleman.

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July, 2006