EPISODE 1/6/03
Simon Says No To Australia
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January, 2003
MONDAY, JANUARY 6, 2003
Scene 1:
Location: Frasier Cottage
Scene: Living Room
SIMON FRASIER, KATIE FRASIER
>> Katie: Guess who's been shopping?
>> Simon: Yeah, for how many people?
>> Katie: Just two. I have the best book on how to survive the Australian Outback. It was on sale. Can you believe that?
>> Simon: Listen, Katie, about this trip, we've gotta talk --
>> Katie: And I found the perfect thing for -- Australia in January. I know, you're speechless.
[ Katie reveals a new bikini.]
>> Simon: Listen, honey, take it back. Just take everything back. Take the whole lot back. The entire trip's been called off.
[ Door slams ]
Scene 2:
Location: Frasier Cottage
Scene: Living Room
SIMON FRASIER, KATIE FRASIER
>> Simon: Look, I'm sorry, honey, about before. I shouldn't have snapped. It was out of line.
>> Katie: What's with these Australian phone numbers? Did you talk to someone? Is that why we're not going?
>> Simon: Listen, it's just I've done some things I really didn't want you to find about. That's all.
>> Katie: Oh, come on, honey. I love you. All of you. I thought we'd been through that before.
>> Simon: Listen, isn't it enough that I was once accused of killing my wife?
>> Katie: But you weren't guilty.
>> Simon: Yeah, well, I'm guilty this time.
>> Katie: Talk to me, please. You know you can.
>> Simon: All right, when I was about 18, some buddies and I were running a scam. I was a decoy. Little bit of fun, you know? Something to do. But then things went wrong -- a cop spotted what was going on. He came over. I panicked, and I shoved him.
>> Katie: You assaulted a police officer?
>> Simon: I didn't assault -- I barely touched him, and -- yeah, I guess I assaulted him. He seems to think so.
>> Katie: So you have a record?
>> Simon: No, I don'T. I never paid for what I did. I took off, Katie. Got the hell out of there. The cop gave up, and I thought that was it. I'd gotten away with it, end of story. But my mate Mack says that there's a warrant out for my arrest.
>> Katie: What? That was so long ago, and no one got hurt. Don't they have a statute of limitations in Australia?
>> Simon: It doesn't matter, because the cop that I shoved is now a judge -- The Honorable Lawrence P. Carruthers. Mack says his nickname is "Lock 'em Up Larry."
>> Katie: So he's just out to get you.
>> Simon: Yep. So if I ever set foot on Australian soil again, the only place I'm gonna visit is the inside of a jail cell.
Scene 3:
Location: Frasier Cottage
Scene: Living Room
SIMON FRASIER, KATIE FRASIER
>> Katie: Simon, this trip could be incredibly important to you.
>> Simon: Yeah, maybe, but it's not worth going to some rundown sheep farm to find out.
>> Katie: But when you're at that farm again, you're gonna remember when you were that sweet little boy.
>> Simon: No, I'm not. Just forget --
>> Katie: Honey, it's gonna be good for you. You need this. You need to get that perspective. Yeah, you were on the wrong road for a while. You were a crook for a while. But before that, you were a sweet, innocent little boy, much like you are right now, except for -- shorter.
>> Simon: Listen, I appreciate what you're trying to do, but trust me -- some things are just not worth going back for.
>> Katie: But it's your home.
>> Simon: You are my home. What are you doing with a guy like me?
>> Katie: Havin' the time of my life. Tom!
>> Simon: No.
>> Katie: He can do this. He can clear this all up!
>> Simon: No. No, you're not calling Tom. I'm not going back to Australia, okay? I'm not gonna risk losing you, not even for -- a day.
Scene 4:
Location: Frasier Cottage
Scene: Living Room
SIMON FRASIER, KATIE FRASIER
>> Simon: I still can't believe that you were ready to leave your family and friends so that I could go home. You're amazing. If nothing else has come out of this trip, I realize once again what a lucky man I am. If it's at all possible, I think I love you even more.
>> Katie: I love you, too.
>> Simon: Now, can we just let it go, please? Just forget about the entire thing? I have.
>> Katie: Absolutely. Actually, I think I'm gonna start taking some of these things back.
>> Simon: Yeah, all except for this little number here. I think I'd like to wrestle crocodile Katie for a little bit.
>> Katie: Ooh.
>> Simon: She looks like fun.
>> Katie: Yeah, she is fun, Simon. Best part about it is she doesn't take "no" for an answer.[ As Simon goes upstairs. ] Tom? Hi, it's Katie. Yeah, listen, um -- Simon's having some legal problems, and I was just hoping you could help make them go away.
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January, 2003