EPISODE 1/5/01
Simon and Katie Meet With The INS

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Simonscript
January, 2001


JANUARY 5, 2001

Scene 1:
Location: Burt's Garage
Scene: Katie and Simon's Apartment

MRS KATIE FRASIER AND SIMON FRASIER

> >> Katie: Oh, isn't it great to be home?
> >> Simon: Yeah, it's great.
> >> Katie: But it's fun to get away, too. Oh, our hotel room in Bay City was so beautiful. Did you have a good time?
> >> Simon: Yeah, it had its moments.
> >> Katie: New Year's Eve was pretty great, too, huh? Oh, I wish I would have remembered to bring the pickled herring.
> >> Simon: Pickled what?
> >> Katie: You're supposed to eat pickled herring on New Year's Eve so that the next year you have lots of money.
> >> Simon: Right. What if you eat nachos?
> >> Katie: It doesn't mean a thing. You know, the problem with traveling is that you get kind of grimy. You mind if I take the first shower?
> >> Simon: No, go right ahead. I'll check the voice mail.
> >> Katie: I love this bracelet. I can't believe you bought it for me. It was so sweet for a wedding present. I mean, I know it's for the I.N.S. and everything, but I still love it, even if it is a copy of the one Lily has.
[Lily notices a monogram on her bracelet]
> >> Simon: Better get a move on, Katie. Agent Halliwell wants us in his office for another Q & A.
> >> Katie: Yeah, I have a pretty big "Q" for you, Simon.
> >> Simon: Yeah, what's that?
> >> Katie: What was Lily Snyder doing on our honeymoon?

Scene 2:
Scene: Simon and Katie's Apartment

MRS KATIE FRASIER AND SIMON FRASIER

> >> Katie: Read the inscription.
> >> Simon: Why? Why?
> >> Katie: Because this is not a fake. It's the real thing. This is Lily's bracelet.
> >> Simon: I don't see any inscription.
> >> Katie: It says -- it says right here -- "To my L., Love H." Good thing I have 20/20 vision.
> >> Simon: Here, put this on before you catch cold.
> >> Katie: Oh, what are we doing, playing "Simon says" now?
> >> Simon: No, I think you have to calm down.
> >> Katie: That's why you were trying to get rid of me the whole time! Where was she hiding, huh, Simon, under the bed?
> >> Simon: Who?
> >> Katie: Lily! She followed us to Bay City! She was in our hotel room. Don't deny it! You dragged along your mistress.
> >> Simon: I didn't drag Lily anywhere. She knew we were going to Bay City, and she wanted to surprise me.
> >> Katie: How could she do that? We were on our honeymoon
. > >> Simon: A make-believe honeymoon, Katie.
> >> Katie: Does that give you any right to keep me in the dark? Why didn't you just tell me Lily was there?
> >> Simon: I don't know. I didn't want to upset you.
> >> Katie: You know what upsets me? Being made a fool of. Don't you ever do it again!
> >> Simon: Or what?! What, you'll leave? I don't want to be cruel Katie, but you're here because you want be and you have no where else to go. And for the next two years, I don't either! So this situation, imperfect as it is, serves us both.
> >> Katie: Not if you and your married lover are laughing at me behind my > back.
> >> Simon: Oh, come on. Please, stop acting like the betrayed bride.
> >> Katie: Then what am I, Simon?
> >> Simon: Someone who's forgetting what this arrangement is all about. The reason only reason I am enduring any of this is so that one day I can be with Lily. And I have never deceived you about that.
> >> Katie: Fine. But when you and I made this arrangement, no one ever said anything about sharing a hotel room with Lily. You may love her, but I don't, Simon.
> >> Simon: Okay, okay, maybe we handled it badly, and I'm sorry. But it's > over with.
> >> Katie: How do you know it's over?
> >> Simon: Oh, just give it a rest!
> >> Katie: Do you think I was the only one who was clued that we were having a honeymoon built for three?
> >> Simon: Well, who else are you worried about?
> >> Katie: Someone could've found out, Simon! The wrong person could blow the whistle on this whole thing in a heartbeat!

Scene 3:

Location: Burt's Garage
Scene: Katie and Simon's Apartment

SIMON FRASIER AND MRS KATIE FRASIER

> >> Simon: If you're afraid someone might have followed us, I think we would have found out by now. No one knows Lily was there.
> >> Katie: How do you know?
> >> Simon: Because she was only there a few minutes and nothing happened, okay? So there was nothing to see!
> >> Katie: What is she saving it for?
> >> Simon: Stop it, you have no right.
> >> Katie: I have every right! I'm your wife, and if you two lovebirds can't learn to accept that, how is the I.N.S. going to.
> >> Simon: Well, maybe it isn't worth it, you know? Trying to make this sham marriage work!
> >> Katie: No, no, don't you try and back out of this now. You got me into this -- you and your mistress!
> >> Simon: Do not call her that. Lily is not my mistress!
> >> Katie: Oh, sorry, most people who are having an affair actually have sex.
> >> Simon: You know what you're trying to do? You're trying to make what > happened in Bay City an attack against you, and it wasn't.
> >> Katie: I could go to jail for you, Simon! I put myself on the line.
> >> Simon: I know that.
> >> Katie: Can't we just at least have a few weeks to get our act together before Lily comes knocking at the door, begging for a sleepover? Agent Halliwell knows that she wants you. He is waiting for her to blow our cover. I wouldn't be surprised if he knew already that she was with us on our honeymoon!
> >> Simon: He doesn't -- he doesn't know that.
> >> Katie: Why do you think he wants to see us this afternoon?
> >> Simon: Because when we got back, he wanted us to check in.
> >> Katie: What if he has pictures of you and Lily? What if some undercover I.N.S. Agent took pictures?
> >> Simon: That is ridiculous. I told you, we weren't there long enough.
> >> Katie: She was there long enough to drop her anniversary gift from Holden.
> >> Simon: Look, the I.N.S. are not the FBI. We are not on the ten-most- wanted list.
> >> Katie: Well, I think for your own safety, you should stay away from Lily Snyder. Not forever -- two years. Can you be a faithful husband for at least two years?
> >> Simon: That wasn't part the deal.
> >> Katie: Yeah, well, it is now! Starting today at the I.N.S. Office, or you and I could be headed for twin chain gangs!

Scene 4:
Location: INS Department
Scene: Agent Halliwell's Office

SIMON FRASIER AND AGENT HALLIWELL

> >> Simon: Katie's car had broken down and she was trying to thumb a ride > into town. You know, she just looked so bedraggled, I had to stop. She was crying.
> >> Halliwell: Because her car broke down? Why is that such a tragedy?
> >> Simon: Well, the thing is, it wasn't her car. It was her brother, Craig's, and she was afraid he was gonna get angry.
> >> Halliwell: So, you wanted to cheer her up.
> >> Simon: Right, yes. Well, there were these wild daisies growing along the side of the road. You know, so what I did -- I wove a crown of flowers and put it on her head.
> >> Halliwell: Good place for a crown.
> >> Simon: Yeah, oh, she looked just like a queen.
> >> Halliwell: You're a real poet, Mr. Frasier. You know, this courtship reminds one of when knighthood was still in flower.
> >> Simon: Sure, if you say so.
> >> Halliwell: You know, I was just remarking to someone about your many talents. World traveler, mechanic, architect -- I just heard that today -- and now floral designer. Mrs. Gordon, would you ask Mrs. Frasier to step in here, please?

MRS KATIE FRASIER, SIMON FRASIER, AND AGENT HALLIWELL

> >> Simon: Hey!
> >> Katie: Hi, babe.
> >> Simon: Have a seat.
> >> Katie: Thank you.
> >> Halliwell: Well, you both get an A-plus on your oral exams. Call me crazy, but it sure sounds as if you newlyweds did your homework on your honeymoon.
> >> Katie: Work? Did you say work? Learning love is pure joy. I want to > spend the rest of my life getting to know him.
> >> Halliwell: How does it feel, Simon, to have such a beautiful young woman talk about you in such glowing terms?
> >> Simon: Are you kidding me? It feels amazing, why wouldn't it?
> >> Halliwell: I can think of a reason why.
> >> Katie: You know, Mr. Halliwell, I think you're embarrassing Simon. You know, he's Australian. So they don't really talk about their feelings as openly as we do. So if that'll be all for today, then we'll get going --
> >> Halliwell: Sit down, Mrs. Frasier. We're not through here yet. You wanna know why your stories don't sound right?
> >> Katie: I thought you said we both got an A-plus?
> >> Halliwell: Exactly. That's what's wrong with them. No two people -- no > matter how passionate or in love they are -- tell the same story in exactly the same way. See, we like to hear the C-minus stories. They ring true because they're not right. They get it wrong. They're not rehearsed. Now, I just told you a trade secret. Now it's your turn to share.
> >> Simon: Haven't we shared enough for one day?
> >> Halliwell: You'd like to think so, wouldn't you? But see, I know you're lying. And it puts a real crimp in my day when people lie to me.
> >> Katie: We're not lying. We are happily married.
> >> Halliwell: I wish I could believe that, Mrs. Frasier. I wish I could move on to the next case, but not until I hear the truth. That you're forcing this young woman to participate in a charade that will cost her a prison term -- five years, to be exact -- and a $250,000 fine. But I suggest that even without criminal prosecution, this so-called marriage will be sufficient punishment.
> >> Katie: You know, you can't call us frauds, Agent Halliwell, because we know that in our hearts that we're not.
> >> Halliwell: Except that there's a third party involved, Lily Snyder.
> >> Simon: Yeah, just leave her out of this.
> >> Halliwell: I can't. Because I have information that Lily Snyder accompanied you on your honeymoon trip.
> >> Katie: Oh, now I've heard everything. That's ridiculous.
> >> Halliwell: No, your marriage is ridiculous. And, if you come clean about it, Mrs. Frasier, I might not press charges. Think about it, while you still have a chance.

Scene 5:
Location: INS Department
Scene: Agent Halliwell's Office

AGENT HALLIWELL, SIMON FRASIER, AND MRS KATIE FRASIER

> >> Halliwell: People in your situation often feel they don't have any options, but you do.
> >> Katie: I thank you so much for being so kind to me, Mr. Halliwell. I know that you truly have my best interests at heart. But Lily Snyder on our honeymoon? It's absolutely not true. I swear that I never saw her. Word of honor.
> >> Halliwell: Maybe she was hiding under the bed.
> >> Katie: Or in the closet.
[Katie coughing]
> >> Halliwell: Are you all right?
> >> Katie: I just need a bit of water.
> >> Halliwell: I'll be right back.

SIMON FRASIER AND MRS KATIE FRASIER

> >> Simon: What's wrong with you?
> >> Katie: What do you think? You scared me half to death. You and your > stupid girlfriend are gonna --
> >> Simon: Shh! Keep your voice down, they might be listening.
> >> Katie: You, they'll only deport. Me, I get five years and a lifetime of debt.
> >> Simon: He's not gonna do that. He was just trying to scare you. That's all.
> >> Katie: Yeah, well, he certainly succeeded.
> >> Simon: Come on, Katie, let's not forget -- this whole marriage idea was yours, not mine.
> >> Katie: That's before I knew lily was such a bloodhound and would be > following you everywhere we go. No, she is ruining this for us.
> >> Simon: Wait, wait, wait, wait. Where are you going? What am I gonna tell Halliwell?
> >> Katie: Does it matter?
> >> Simon: Don't do this, please.
> >> Katie: Get your hands off of me! Ohh, that's something I should have done a long time ago.
[Katie throws the bracelet at Simon and leaves. Simon tries to cover the bracelet with his foot.]

AGENT HALLIWELL RETURNS AS KATIE IS LEAVING

> >> Halliwell: Mrs. Frasier, you forgot your water. Lovers' quarrel? [Agent Halliwell makes Simon lift his foot to remove the bracelet] A gift from her devoted hubby?

Scene 6:
Location: INS Department
Scene: Agent Halliwell's Office

SIMON FRASIER AND AGENT HALLIWELL

> >> Simon: Katie's just very upset, that's all.
> >> Halliwell: Yeah, I would be, too, if I were facing a prison term.
> >> Simon: Please don't provoke my wife. She's very sensitive.
> >> Halliwell: Oh, you're breaking my heart.
> >> Simon: Yeah, I can tell.
> >> Halliwell: You know, while I'm passing out warnings, Frasier, here's one for you -- that sensitive little wife of yours, she's gonna give you up. So I'd pack my bags if I were you.
> >> Simon: Yeah? Well, you're not me.
> >> Halliwell: If your wife is as upset as you say she is, you might be better off in Australia.
> >> Simon: Mr. Halliwell, if you had any real evidence, I'd already be on my way.
> >> Halliwell: Oh, I've got evidence, just not enough.
> >> Simon: You've got nothing. You've got just a lot of threats and theories.
> >> Halliwell: I've been at this game a long time. I've got radar, ESP.
> >> Simon: Spooky. What, you read minds?
> >> Halliwell: I read people, and I'm right 90% of the time. And we both know I'm right about you.
> >> Simon: Is that all? Am I dismissed?
> >> Halliwell: And I'm right about your wife. She wants it all. And if she doesn't get it -- Mrs. Frasier is not the type to risk prison for a man that doesn't love her.

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Simonscript
January, 2001