EPISODE 1/3/01
Lily Comes To The Honeymoon Suite

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January, 2001


JANUARY 3, 2001

Scene 1:
Place: Oakdale, Illinois
Location: Train to Bay City, IL

SIMON FRASIER, LILY SNYDER, AND MRS KATIE PERETTI FRASIER

[Simon and Lily are making out in the empty train car. Katie calls from another car]
>> Katie: Simon! Simon, can you come here for a second? Simon! Location: Train to Bay City, IL

MRS KATIE PERETTI FRASIER AND SIMON FRASIER

[A disguised Lily runs past Katie knocking the tray she was carrying in her arms to the ground]
>> Katie: Oh, excuse me. Excuse me, I think I have the right-of-way -- oh, I don't believe this!
>> Lily: Sorry, sorry.
>> Katie: Wait, your not even gonna help me clean it up?!
>> Simon: Hey, what happened? I must've dozed off.
>> Katie: Oh, I just spilled our whole tray of food!
>> Simon: Oh, you poor thing. What'd you trip over, did you?
>> Katie: No, I didn't trip. Some idiot woman in the most ridiculous outfit slammed into me and made me spill it all.
>> Simon: Sit down, relax --
>> Katie: She didn't come back to help me clean it up.
>> Simon: It's all right.
>> Katie: Look at this!
>> Simon: It's not so bad.
>> Katie: Yes, it is. It's ruined. Now I'm starving. I had to cold-cock some old woman just to get that last sandwich.
>> Simon: Shh, it's all right. Here, here -- there -- have a bit there. [Simon breaks off a bite of his sandwich and feeds it to Katie] See, is that better? Now that bit was hardly very wet.
>> Katie: Yeah, that bit. You know the worst part was? I was standing in the middle of the aisle at midnight and there was no one there to give me a New Year's kiss.
[Katie goes to kiss Simon and he changes the subject]
>> Simon: Hey, look, look, look -- it's Bay City. We're almost there. You can see the sky lights in the distance. All right, tomorrow night we are gonna have a three -- five-course meal. Champagne, the works.
>> Katie: Well, it will be kind of nice to wake up in a hotel room. Mmm, we can have breakfast in bed every day.
>> Simon: Sure.
>> Katie: Oh, and we can go ice skating. I really wanna go ice skating. Do you skate?
>> Simon: No, I've never been before. But you know what? I'm gonna give it a go.
>> Katie: I bet you'll be really good at it. You're good at everything. You know, I'm glad that Craig gave us the money to do this, even though I did have to endure that awful evening with my family in return. You know, it was like they were all together on some sort of intervention, you know? I can't believe that, the whole family, Margo and Tom and Craig, and they dragged my mother into it. Well, I don't care what they say, they're never gonna convince me that this was a mistake.
[Cell phone ringing]
Oh. Oh, no. I forgot to turn this off. I'm sorry. Oh. I might want to answer this.

Scene 2:
MRS KATIE PERETTI FRASIER AND HOLDEN SNYDER CALLING FROM THE WOAK STUDIOS

>> Katie: Hello?
>> Holden: Katie.
>> Katie: Holden, Hi. Long time no hear.
>> Holden: I was calling -- I didn't think you were gonna answer your phone. I was gonna leave you a message.
>> Katie: Well, when you're on your honeymoon, sleep isn't really a priority.
>> Holden: Answering your cell phone is?
>> Katie: So, Holden, if you're calling to invite me out on a date, just because you and lily aren't together anymore, you can forget about it, because I'm a married woman now, and I am not gonna cheat.
>> Holden: I'm calling about some unfinished business, dating back to when you were at WOAK.
>> Katie: Oh. Oh -- oh, good.[To Simon] This is business, it'll just take minute. So you're back at the station, huh? I heard you left.
>> Holden: I did. But I'm here to look for something in the archives. Do you remember that footage that we edited together of the horse show last year?
>> Katie: Oh, yeah, of course, the "Hale-Gardner Horse Show." What do you need it for?
>> Holden: Well, the tape is missing. Do you have any idea what happened to it?
>> Katie: Yeah, actually, I know exactly what happened to it. Henry took it.
>> Holden: Henry? You sure about that?
>> Katie: Mm-hmm. I'm positive. I saw him leaving the building with it, and when I asked him what he was doing with company property, he told me to be a good little girl and go back in my seat. You know Henry.
>> Holden: How long ago was this?
>> Katie: Hmm, I don't know, a week or two after the horse show.
>> Holden: Okay, Katie. Thank you.
[Holden hangs up, but Katie fakes the call for a bit longer]
>> Katie: Okay, Holden. No, sure, anytime. Mm-hmm. Bye-bye. [hangs up] [To Simon]I think he feels bad for the way he treated me. He was wanting to make up or something, but don't worry. Holden is a non-issue for me now. I'm all yours.

Scene 3:
Location: Bay City Towers
Scene: Katie and Simon's Hotel Room

SIMON FRASIER AND MRS KATIE PERETTI FRASIER

[Katie clears throat.]
>> Simon: Ah, sorry, Katie, I already carried you across one threshold, and that was pushing it.
>> Katie: You're so romantic.
>> Simon: Hopefully, the I.N.S. got some happy snaps for their scrapbook.
>> Katie: We did have a pretty crazy wedding, though, didn't we? Rushing through our vows, being two steps ahead of you being deported. That is the kind of story that you tell the kids -- if we were to have kids, which, of course, we won't.
>> Simon: I'm gonna take a shower.
>> Katie: Ohh, that's a good idea. Mind if I join?
>> Simon: You know the ground rules, Katie. This is a honeymoon in name only.
>> Katie: Well, a girl can wish, can't she? Listen, why don't I go downstairs and get us something to eat at the Quickie-Mart, and you can take your shower solo?
>> Simon: Fine. But why don't you just skip the food and go straight to bed?
>> Katie: Because we have something to celebrate, and I think it's a little too late for room service.
>> Simon: Sure. Whatever.
>> Katie: Really? You're the best.
[Katie leaves]
[Phone ringing.]

SIMON FRASIER AND LILY SNYDER ON THE PHONE

>> Simon: Hello?
>> Lily: So, how long will she be gone?
>> Simon: Lily? What, have you got this room bugged?
>> Lily: Even better. So, how long?
>> Simon: She's only gone a few minutes. She just went 'round the corner to get some food. Look, it's not enough time.
[Knock at door]
>> Simon: Wait a second, there's someone at the door.
[Simon opens to door to find Lily on the other side]
>> Lily: Plenty of time.
>> Simon: This is madness. She's gonna catch us.
>> Lily: Maybe it's time that Katie has a little reality check about what her marriage is and what it is not.
>> Simon: Look, you said so yourself, we need her on our side.
>> Lily: As long as Katie knows the score. You are all mine.
>> Simon: She knows the extent of our relationship, but if she thinks I'm trying to pull a fast one, I don't know how she'll react. Now, I can't forget that, if it wasn't for her, I'd be on the other side of the world right now instead of only inches away from the woman that I love.
>> Lily: We won't get caught. We will have our time together.

Scene 4:
Location: Bay City Towers
Scene: Simon and Katie's Hotel Room

MRS KATIE PERETTI FRASIER, SIMON FRASIER AND LILY SNYDER

[Katie is outside the door while Lily and Simon scramble to hide Lily]
>> Katie: Simon. I'm back. I forgot my key.
>> Simon: Just a minute!
>> Katie: Come on, give a girl a break.
>> Simon: Yeah, coming, coming. Psst, wait.
[Katie opens the door]
[Lily is eavesdropping in on the whole conversation in the closet]
>> Katie: What took you so long?
>> Simon: I fell asleep.
>> Katie: Oh, again? You know, you should probably get your blood pressure checked. Either that or you have narcolepsy. Listen, I'm so excited. I got two passion fruit slurpees, hot dogs and nachos with cheese.
>> Simon: Look, maybe we should go out and get something to eat. This isn't very appetizing.
>> Katie: Dream on, honey, the whole town's closed. But tomorrow, you're taking me to the Harbor Club. And the night after that, this place called Carlino's, which the guy downstairs said is the most amazing Italian place.
>> Simon: Oh, come on, let's go out now. There has to be someplace open.
>> Katie: Yeah, the all-night diner, if you like dysentery with your coffee. Come on, let's just relax. You can take that shower, okay?
>> Simon: What are you doing?
>> Katie: I'm getting comfortable. Come on, try and enjoy it. Most guys would give their eyeteeth for this.

Scene 5:
Location: Bay City Towers
Scene: Simon and Katie's Hotel Room

SIMON FRASIER AND MRS KATIE PERETTI FRASIER

>> Simon: No, no, no, don't do that. Here, put this on. Try this.
>> Katie: My, my, my, Simon, aren't we the prude? Or maybe it's second time jitters, huh? Mmm, it has your scent.
>> Simon: Oh, all right, come on, you need to go clear your head. Let's go out and get some fresh air.
>> Katie: No, not like this. Come on, you and I need to concentrate on getting to know each other. We are supposed to be studying for the I.N.S., Remember? Sit down, would you? You're making me nervous. Okay, let's play "Who Wants to Be a U.S. Citizen." Now, the agent said that the questions are going to be very personal, so let's get started. First topic, sex.
>> Simon: All right, I might have narcolepsy, but you're turning into a nymphomaniac.
>> Katie: The proof that our marriage is real is in the little details, Simon. And we both know that the best way to learn is hands-on experience.
>> Simon: Not if the parties have a hands-off policy.
>> Katie: All right, fine. If you're gonna play hard to get, then we'll just limit our sexual education to talking. Let's see, sample topics -- what I like, what I don't. What turns on you on. First instance, I love when guys kiss my ear and then slide their tongue --
>> Simon: Oh, all right -- okay. That's enough of that. Why don't we just start with the basics -- how we met, how we supposedly fell in love.
>> Katie: Okay. Fine, we'll talk about love then.
>> Simon: Good. Well, it all started with a photograph. And I knew I had to find her. First, I didn't deserve her. So, to prove my love, I had to give up the thing that I thought I wanted most in this life. And when I did, I got back more than I ever dreamed possible. She makes me feel like the richest man on earth, even though I don't have a cent. And when we finally get to be together, like really together in every sense of the word, my life will be complete.
>> Katie: Ah, that's very, very nice. But I already told the I.N.S. Some things about us. So we'll probably just have to stick to that.
>> Simon: What? What did you tell them?
>> Katie: Well, I told them that you loved me so much that you wove me a crown of daisies. You put the crown on my head, and you called me your queen. That's what I told Agent Halliwell.
>> Simon: No, no, no, no. No, you didn't. You didn't.
>> Katie: Yes, I did. They were after you, and I had to divert them from you, so I sent them to Luther's Corners. I said you were there looking for more daisies to make me another crown.
>> Simon: Katie, I don't believe this. I have to publicly admit that I wove you a crown of daisies and called you my queen?
>> Katie: Well, I'm so sorry you're embarrassed, but I guess we're gonna have to stick to it, because the I.N.S. Probably already has it in their files.
>> Simon: Oh, fine. That is enough talk about all this tonight. Okay?
>> Katie: Fine. I'm gonna brush my teeth. And would it kill you to at least say that I would look beautiful in a crown of daisies?
[Katie goes into the bathroom and Simon gets Lily out of the room]

Scene 6:
Scene: Hotel Hallway

SIMON FRASIER AND LILY SNYDER

>> Simon: I'm so sorry you had to hear that.
>> Lily: I'm so sorry you had to live that.
>> Simon: Katie's just --
>> Lily: I know.
>> Simon: -- Just a little -
>> Lily: Maybe it was a bad idea. Maybe I shouldn't have come at all
. >> Simon: No, no, I am so glad you came.
>> Lily: Maybe I should get going. She seems a little worked up.
>> Simon: Look, at least we had a little bit, some time together.
>> Lily: It's going to have to hold us for awhile.
>> Simon: I swear to you, when this is over, we will be together in a complete fresh start -- the first day of the rest of my life.
[Katie opens to door to find Simon in the hallway]
>> Katie: Simon? Where did you go?
>> Simon: I just went to find a soda machine. No luck. I hate slurpees. All right, my turn.
[Simon goes into the bathroom while Katie finds a bracelet on the floor]
[Flashback of Holden showing Katie the bracelet he was going to give Lily]
>> Katie: What's this? This is Lily's.

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January, 2001