EPISODE 2/6/03
Simon Meets Bartleby

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Simonscript
February, 2003


THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 6, 2003
Scene 1:
Location: Lakeview Towers
Scene: Dining Room

SIMON FRASIER, KATIE FRASIER, MARGO HUGHES, TOM HUGHES

>> Simon: Thank you for the all American lunch.
>> Tom: We thought it appropriate given that you're well on your way to becoming a full fledged American citizen.
>> Simon: Whoa, whoa. Let's not get ahead of ourselves. I only took the test this morning.
>> Margo: You passed, you passed.
>> Katie: Of course he did, he is the model.
>> Simon: I had an unfair advantage, the perfect teacher.
[ Phone rings. Bartleby calling. ]
>> Simon: Excuse me. Hello.
>> Bartleby: Good day mate. I'll give you three guesses.
>> Simon: Look its Holden. Can I just --
>> Katie: Oh, yeah, go ahead.
>> Simon: What do you want?
>> Bartleby: Oh, I just dropped by for a visit but from the looks of it nobody's home.
>> Simon: Get the hell away from my house.
>> Bartleby: Now don't go hurting my geelings like that Sunshine. It seems like you want to get rid of me.
>> Simon: It sounds like you got a lot smarter.
>> Bartleby: Why don't you come home and find out.

Scene 2:
Location: Lakeview Towers
Scene: Dining Room

SIMON FRASIER, KATIE FRASIER, MARGO HUGHES, TOM HUGHES

>> Simon: Look, I hate to eat and run. Thanks again for lunch, but I gotta go.
>> Katie: Where are you going all of a sudden?
>> Simon: I've gotta take off.
>> Tom: You know, don't even worry about it, because I gotta get back to the office. I need to continue working on those charges that are still pending in Australia.
>> Katie: But, they're going to be dropped, right?
>> Tom: As far as I know. I mean, I don't see why you two could not be living in Australia in less than a month.
>> Katie: Oh, good, so we can start the family. Margo told you, right?
>> Tom: That you're determined to raise a few ankle biters. Yeah, she mentioned it.
>> Margo: Imagine that. You two as parents.
>> Katie: What?
>> Margo: No, nothing, nothing. Listen are you going to come to the hospital with me for a checkup?
>> Katie: Oh, yes, definitely. I guess I'll just see you at home.
>> Simon: Well, take your time. I'm a little tired from cramming half the night, so I'm gonna go home and take a nap, so don't rush.
>> Katie: Okay.
>> Simon: Thanks again for lunch, you guys. Thank you.
>> Tom: No problem.
>> Margo: Sure, see you later, you citizen, you.
>> Tom: Come on.
>> Katie: I'll be there in a minute Margo. Okay, you go home, take a little nap, and get all rested up, 'cause we're doing some baby practicing when I get home.
>> Simon: I can't wait.
>> Katie: I'm just so proud of you.
>> Simon: I love you.
>> Katie: I love you.

Scene 3:
Location: Frasier Cottage
Scene: Living Room

SIMON FRASIER, BARTLEBY SHEARS

>> Bartleby: Simon, I let myself in, I hope you don't mind.
>> Simon: No mate, not at all. Put your feet up. Can I get you a robe?
>> Bartleby: Nice place you got here, and the woods. Where's Snow White and all the little dwarfs?
>> Simon: What do you want?
>> Bartleby: It's been a long ime hasn't it. I bet you forgot I even existed.
>> Simon: Oh, you know, try as I might.
>> Bartleby: Yet, here I am.
>> Simon: Why don't you just give me the rabbit.
>> Bartleby: Yeah, I was going to ask you about that mate. You always struck me as more as a German Shepherd type. But you're not a German Shepherd, are you Snuckers?
>> Simon: Snickers.
>> Bartleby: Snickers, right. He's got his cute little name hand painted above the door of his cute little cage. Your wife must be a real animal lover. Be awful if she came home to find little cottontail in a pot on the stove.
>> Simon: Just give me --
>> Bartleby: Hey, stay back or the bunny gets it. I've always wanted to say that. Never thought I'd mean it. You know, never cared that much for rodents. Kinda get on my nerves actually. So you just stay right where you are and keep your hands where I can see them otherwise your wife's gonna find a real mess when she gets home.

Scene 4:
Location: Frasier Cottage
Scene: Living Room

SIMON FRASIER, BARTLEBY SHEARS

>> Bartleby: Aren't you gonna ask me why I'm here?
>> Simon: I've already asked you twice.
>> Bartleby: I'm here to catch up with me old mate, of course. I haven't seen you in -- what was my sentence? 10 to 15 years. Out in 8 years, 28 days, 5 hours and 32 minutes.
>> Simon: Wow. You must have been a really good girl.
>> Bartleby: But imagine my disappointment. I get out, pop over to see my best mate, only to find out he's long gone. He's left the city, he's left the whole damn country. Travel agrees with you, though, mate. I'll give you that. You've put on some muscle, haven't you, Simon? You were always such a wiry kid. I guess that's how you managed to get in and out of all those tight spots.
>> Simon: Yeah, well, you know what happens when you're away in prison? Times change. >> Bartleby: Don't be smart. You always managed to end out on top, especially if it meant giving me up to the police to save your own hide.
>> Simon: Look, what do you want me to say? You want me to say I'm sorry, huh? I'm sorry, all right? But the cops already had a long list of stuff we pulled together.
>> Bartleby: Together, right. Only who paid the price? Not you, just me. No, you take off to the states, start a new life, set up house with the missus. I spent eight years in prison because of you.
>> Simon: Well, do me a favor, will you? If you're gonna kill me, take me out to the woods. 'Cause we just put in a new carpet.
>> Bartleby: No, mate, I'm not here to knock you off. I'm here to offer you a job. And you're gonna take it, because you owe me.

Scene 5:
Location: Frasier Cottage
Scene: Living Room

SIMON FRASIER, BARTLEBY SHEARS

>> Bartleby: Now that you're all grown up. I hear you've found a new con, Seducing rich women.
>> Simon: Oh, you're a little out of touch, Bart. You see, I'm married now.
>> Bartleby: I could remove that little obstacle if you like, easy as I could snap this furry, wee neck.
>> Simon: I'd rather you didn't.
>> Bartleby: Good. Europe it is, then.
>> Simon: Yeah? What's over there?
>> Bartleby: Oh, a very nice con. Lots of money. Not half bad looking. Desperate for love. Should be a walk in the park for you, Simon. Just think, in two months, I could be 10 million pounds richer.
>> Simon: What's my cut?
>> Bartleby: I'll let you keep breathing, Frasier.
>> Simon: No, I think you'll have to find someone else there, Bart. You see, I'm a little rusty. Maybe we can figure this out some other way.
>> Bartleby: No, it's my way, period. So dump the wife, get your passport, and let's catch a plane.
>> Simon: If I do this, what happens afterwards?
>> Bartleby: Depends. If you muck up, I'll just kill you and be done with it. If we score, I might give you back to the wife, if she'll have you.

Scene 6:
Location: Frasier Cottage
Scene: Living Room

SIMON FRASIER, KATIE FRASIER, BARTLEBY SHEARS

>> Simon: I'm gonna need some more time.
>> Bartleby: For what? Tearful good-byes?
>> Simon: No. To consider your offer.
>> Bartleby: You seem to think this is negotiable. Maybe I didn't make myself clear enough. You're doing the job, mate.
>> Simon: Listen, man, I just can't pack up and leave now, can I? There's a lot of things to take care of here --
>> Bartleby: I didn't get dumber in prison, Frasier. I know exactly what you're thinking. Pack up the little wife and make tracks. Oh, it might work for a while, but she's got family here. A brother and a sister. She'll leave a trail, and sooner or later, I'll catch up with you.
>> Simon: Listen, mate, the cops tried every dirty trick in the book. What do you want me to do? What do you want, a written apology? You want me to go in the kitchen and bake you a cake?
>> Bartleby: "Oh, I'm sorry I left you to rot in prison for eight years, but that's the game." Doesn't work for me somehow. Look, what do I have to do to convince you I mean business? I mean, it would be an awful shame to have to kill one of god's wee creatures, but I will if I have to. Do I have to, Simon?
>> Simon: No, no, look -- I know you're serious.
>> Bartleby: Good. No worries. The rabbit gets to live. So does your wife -- or not.
>> Katie: Hello?
>> Simon: Hey, babe, what are you doing home so early? What are you doing?
>> Katie: Well, checkups go quick when you're healthy. Ah, this must be your friend from back home.
>> Bartleby: Ma'am, the pleasure is all mine.
>> Katie: Well, come on, Simon. Aren't you going to introduce us?

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February, 2003