EPISODE 2/20/03
Simon And Henry Work Together

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February, 2003


THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 20, 2003

Scene 1:
Location: Oakdale
Scene: Yo's

SIMON FRASIER, HENRY COLEMAN, BAMBI

>> Simon: Come on, just do it.
>> Henry: Right, right. Someone say action.
>> Simon: Where is she? Where is she? I just want to get this thing over with.
>> Henry: Simon, I don't understand this. Okay, what happened to this -- the nice cad that fell madly in love with that irritating but oh-so-adorable wife?
>> Simon: Just keep your mouth shut and your lens open. Good, here she is.
>> Henry: Bambi? You hired Bambi?
>> Simon: At your recommendation.
>> Bambi: Hi, Hanky.
>> Henry: Hi.
>> Bambi: So what do ya think?
>> Henry: I think you look like a Vanderbilt.
[ Bambi scoffs ]
>> Bambi: These ain't jeans I'm wearin'.
>> Henry: Well, you can't put a price tag on class.
>> Bambi: Oh! My sweetie always says the sweetest things.
>> Simon: Listen, listen, listen. Bambi, just lose the gum and go.

Scene 2:
Location: Oakdale
Scene: Yo's

SIMON FRASIER, HENRY COLEMAN, BAMBI, KATIE FRASIER

>> Henry: Hey, Simon -- Simon, Katie's crazy about you, pal. Look, if you want to break her heart, you go right ahead. Be my guest. But don't expect me to chisel it out of her chest for you.
>> Simon: I was doing this for Katie.
>> Henry: Most guys hire a divorce lawyer.
>> Simon: I don't want a divorce.
>> Henry: Is there not enough pain in it for you?
>> Simon: Don't argue with me! Not tonight.
>> Henry: Why? Are you paying Bambi by the hour?
>> Simon: Would you prefer to see Katie heartbroken or dead?
>> Henry: Are those my only two choices?
>> Simon: I'm serious, man.
>> Henry: You listen to me, you better start talking, or my feet are walkin'.
>> Simon: Come here. Wait, wait -- stop. Come here. All right. I knew this guy from the old days.
>> Henry: "The old days"? The old days back in days when you were wooing rich women that were just dripping with appreciating assets?
>> Simon: No, way before then. His name is Bartleby Shears. He ran a gang back home. Now if anyone stood out of line, he'd take them out of the equation. Just cut them out.
>> Henry: "Cut"? "Cut" as in fileted? As in swimming with the fishes fileted?
>> Simon: Yeah. And now he's in town hounding me about some rich woman in the south of France who would be the perfect mark for someone with my experience. I do the job. Cut him in on the action.
>> Henry: So, tell him you don't do that kind of work anymore, Simon. Tell him you've gone legit.
>> Simon: It's a pretty big mark, Henry, and he doesn't take no for an answer. I either do the job or he kills Katie.
>> Henry: Talk about -- that's an overachiever there, huh? What's the big problem here, Simon? Go ahead. Fleece whatever you have to --
>> Simon: You know Katie. She's gonna follow -- Katie would follow me to the ends of the earth. She would follow me and get herself into more danger. I don't want that to happen.
>> Henry: And this guy -- this guy would break our pretty little Katie?
>> Simon: Yeah. Listen, even if I took care of him, I know the guys he's got waiting in the wings just dying to take over. It's not gonna end. I need Katie to stay put. I need her here to keep her safe.
>> Henry: Come on, man. Are you sure?
>> Simon: Henry, please, please. I am begging you here. I need you on this.
>> Henry: All right. All right, all right. My lips are sealed.
>> Simon: Okay.
>> Henry: I'll go warm up my zoom lens.
>> Simon: Thank you. Bambi?
>> Bambi: Oh.
>> Simon: Just wait. All right?
>> Henry: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
>> Simon: All right. Roll camera.
>> Bambi: So, you keep saying you're pretty good with a stick.
>> Simon: Yeah, not bad.
>> Bambi: I could use a few pointers.
>> Simon: And I'd be glad to show you how to play.
[ Bambi giggles ]
>> Bambi: I bet you're good at lots of games.
>> Simon: Oh, yeah. Some more than others. Come here. All right. First, you line up your shot. Hold the stick gently. That's it. Whoa, whoa, whoa -- not too tight.
>> Bambi: Is this part of the game?
>> Simon: Yeah, only the most important part. Then we pull the cue back -- shoot. Wow, there you go. You're a natural.
>> Bambi: I'm a natural at lots of things.
>> Simon: Oh, baby, you're driving me crazy. Ditch your -- ditch your husband. Then you can come with me.
>> Bambi: I can't.
>> Simon: Why not?
>> Bambi: I'd be broke. It's in the prenup. He'd divorce me and I'd be out millions. How about you?
>> Simon: Nah, nah. My wife's got nothing I want.
>> Bambi: Oh, bet you've got plenty of what she wants.
>> Simon: Marriage is a cage, babe. You were just smart enough to get yourself trapped in a solid gold one.
[ Katie comes in. ]
>> Katie: Get your filthy hands off my husband, you skank! Simon, let me go! Come here!
>> Simon: Settle down.
>> Katie: Come here!

Scene 3:
Location: Oakdale
Scene: Yo's

SIMON FRASIER, KATIE FRASIER, HENRY COLEMAN, BAMBI

[ Screaming ]
>> Simon: Settle down. Settle down.
>> Katie: Let go of me, Simon. Yeah, you better run. Grab that cheap fur, hit the streets where you belong.
>> Simon: Stop it.
>> Bambi: See you around, Simon.
[ Bambi leaves. ]
>> Katie: Yeah, right. Never again, if you want to live.
>> Henry: Relax, relax, relax, she's gone, Katie. She's gone.
>> Katie: And what are you doing here? What are you two cooking up?
>> Henry: Cook? Me, cook?
>> Katie: Simon, talk, or I'll flatten you, too.
>> Simon: I'm not letting you go. You're not flattening anyone. Now, settle down. Will you settle down?
>> Katie: Don't try and talk me out of this, Simon. Don't try and talk your way out of it. >> Simon: What -- out of what? I'm not having an affair.
>> Katie: I know that. You're setting up another con, aren't you? You're after her money and Henry's your new little sidekick.
>> Simon: Yeah, that's right. Yeah, I'm sorry, babe, but you just walked in on my latest scam.

Scene 4:
Location: Oakdale
Scene: Yo's

SIMON FRASIER, KATIE FRASIER, HENRY COLEMAN

>> Katie: What are you doing?
>> Simon: Settle down.
>> Katie: What are you doing, Simon?
>> Simon: Her husband's loaded, isn't he? Big oil guy.
>> Katie: Right, and she lives in Oakdale?
>> Simon: No, Chicago. We just thought it would be safer to meet here.
>> Katie: Safe?
>> Simon: Yeah.
>> Katie: That's funny. Those days are over.
>> Simon: Yeah, I was trying to get her in a compromising position so I could threaten to take the video to her old man if she didn't pay up. Henry was doing all the taping for a cut of the action.
>> Katie: Well, that's disgusting.
>> Simon: It's what I do.
>> Katie: No, it's what you did.
>> Simon: I tried to leave it behind, Katie, but I can't. I'm good at it. It's the only thing these days to give me a real rush.
>> Katie: This is Bartleby, right? I mean, he got you thinking about this life again.
>> Simon: No, no, no, no. Don't blame this on him. I started missing the action way before he showed up.
>> Katie: You said you hated that life.
>> Simon: Hated what? What part of it is to hate? I hated seeing the world, huh? Hated staying in five-star hotels? Hated driving cars that cost five times as much as that cramped, little cottage where we're living?
>> Katie: Don't you dare talk about our cottage.
>> Simon: Oh, if you love it so much, you can continue to live there.
>> Katie: Or what? Go on the road with you?
>> Simon: Did you hear that? Did I invite her? I didn't invite you, did I?
>> Katie: And since when does a wife need to be invited?
>> Simon: Don't suffocate me.
>> Katie: And don't stand here like I'm supposed to understand what the hell is going on here. You've got something to say to me, Simon, say it!
>> Simon: Go home, Katie.
>> Katie: Not until you tell me why you're acting like such a jerk.
>> Simon: I tried to lead the life that you want me to, but it's holding me back. What do you want from me, huh? What do you want from me?
>> Katie: I want you to be the man that I fell in love with.
>> Simon: Oh, yeah, yeah. This is the point where I remind you that we only got married so I could stay in the country. Yeah.
>> Katie: Don't you dare throw that back in my face.
>> Simon: Yeah, it was convenient, you know? A means to an end.
>> Katie: Not the second time. You gave me the wedding of my dreams. You love me.
>> Simon: Love doesn't give you the right to erase who I am. I miss the old days. I want --
>> Katie: You miss being a creep?
>> Simon: I miss feeling alive.
>> Katie: Fine. Fine. You want to be two-timing thief, go right ahead. Fleece the whole world for all I care, but don't ever, ever come crawling back to me!
[Katie leaves. ]
>> Simon: Don't worry, I won't. I hate this!
>> Henry: Hey. I guess you won't be needing this, huh?
>> Simon: She'll be back.
>> Henry: Yeah, right. What part of "get lost" don't you understand?
>> Simon: She'll go home, and she'll cool off.
>> Henry: Cool off, huh? So will the sun, but not any time soon.
>> Simon: She'll go home, she'll think about it, she'll say she understands and that she wants to run cons together.
>> Henry: Well, the family that strays together --
>> Simon: Listen, mate. We've got to think of something big, something so big that she will never want to see me again.

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February, 2003