EPISODE 2/11/02
Simon And Dahlia Face-0ff

Home
Simonscript
February, 2002


MONDAY, FEBRUARY 11, 2002

Scene 1:
Location: Production Studio

SIMON FRASIER, KATIE FRASIER, DAHLIA

>> Katie: These guys use their muscles every day in their work. They're naturally at their best. And you can be at your best, too. Just join us. You ready? All right, let's do this! Ready? March it out. And march. Left, left, left, left.
[ Off camera ]
>> Simon: Do I look even close to being available?
>> Dahlia: It's a clever ruse, I'll admit.
>> Simon: It's a fact. You see that, Dahlia? [ points to his wedding band ] Right there? That's a stop sign.
>> Dahlia: Really?
>> Simon: Yeah.
>> Dahlia: Even though I find you unbelievably attractive? And from what I've heard, you give new meaning to the word "available."
>> Simon: Well, you don't know the first thing about me.
>> Dahlia: Well, I got some information on you when I checked out Katie. You don't do much to cover your tracks. I mean, you've lived quite a life up till now. A lot of women.
>> Simon: You know, if I didn't find this so pathetic, it might actually be funny. You're making a video with Katie, and what? You're in here hitting on her husband? That's lame.
>> Dahlia: Well, the background I have on the two of you tells me a few things. Katie has an ambitious streak that puts Madonna to shame. And you have a roving eye, roving hands, roving heart.
>> Simon: What do you want?
>> Dahlia: Satisfaction -- professional and personal. And I think I can get that with Katie -- and with you.
>> Katie: Hey, what's with all the hush-hush between you two?
>> Simon: Oh, nothing.
>> Katie: Honey, listen, I am so sorry that I was so angry at you before. It was ridiculous. I think I was just nervous about the video.
>> Simon: It's okay.
>> Katie: So, were you talking about me?
>> Dahlia: Well, as a matter of fact, Katie, yes, we were.

Scene 2:
Location: Production Studio

SIMON FRASIER, KATIE FRASIER, DAHLIA

>> Simon: I was just setting the record straight with your boss over there.
>> Katie: About what?
>> Simon: About being 100% faithful to you. I'm trying to make it clear to Dahlia that I've only got your best interests at heart.
>> Dahlia: But then again, you aren't a video producer, are you, Simon? I mean, we do appreciate the moral support, but I have to say that I -- I believe I know what's best for Katie's business.
>> Katie: Whoa, whoa, whoa, you two. Time out. Not that I'm comparing the situation here to the parallel universe of my dreams -- that's the one where everybody loves and supports me, but we're pretty close right? I thought. So can't you two just get along?
>> Dahlia: Well, that was my point to Simon. I mean, I'm getting along with him just dandy, or I'm willing to -- more than willing.
>> Simon: Your happiness, Katie, is my top priority.
>> Dahlia: See, we're both on your team, Katie. You know, you have ambition to burn. I'm just trying to harness the fire.
>> Katie: Ooh, can I copyright that? We should put that on the cover of the video. You're good with that stuff. She's good, right?
>> Simon: Oh, yeah.
>> Katie: Okay, so we're all okay, guys, one big happy family --
>> Simon: Look, don't worry, Katie, okay? We're gonna work it out, aren't we?
>> Dahlia: Good. Well, then why don't you two come and take a look at some things we got today.
>> Simon: Why don't you get everything packed, we'll take the tape home and watch it in bed.
>> Katie: Ooh, I like the way he thinks. Unfortunately, we can't do that, 'cause the guys really want to see it, and I want to show it to them. We'll just stay here and watch it.
>> Dahlia: I'll tell you what -- why don't you go have the director cue up the tape, and we'll be right in.
>> Katie: Okay. Whoo!
>> Dahlia: So you heard your wife. We're both part of team Katie now. So we have to make peace or she won't be happy, and since her happiness is your only concern --
>> Simon: You are such a temporary part of Katie's life. Don't go getting mixed up in any team.
>> Dahlia: Well, let's see, Katie is Mrs. Frasier number what -- five?
>> Simon: Wow. Very thorough research, Dahlia. You've really done your homework. Do you also know that I like dogs, and my favorite food is chicken?
>> Dahlia: You know what? This must be a whole new world for you, Simon, actually needing somebody that way.
>> Simon: Well, it's a pleasure that you will never, ever know that. And Katie loves me more than this stupid video of yours.
>> Dahlia: We'll see.
>> Simon: If you come between us, if you even try, you'll be sorry that you ever met me.

Scene 3:
Location: Production Studio

SIMON FRASIER, KATIE FRASIER, DAHLIA, DIRECTOR, FIREMAN

>> Katie: Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold up. You'd better not be watching this video -- oh, I can't wait to see it.
>> Dahlia: Okay, roll tape.
>> Katie: Five, six, seven. Out, hit, hit again.
Step and knee. And if you have a step at home, you can do it justice.
>> Dahlia: This is gold. This is pure gold. [ Applause ] This confirms my suspicions. This tape is gonna fly off the shelves.
>> Katie: Well, it wasn't me, it was these perfect specimen of America's bravest. Thank you guys so much. It looks great. Thank you for doing this with us.
>> Director: All right, you specimens, I've got call times for tomorrow's shoot. Come on.
>> Firefighter: Don't make it too early, 'cause I want to go have a couple beers.
>> Katie: I'll see you tomorrow. Oh, I totally forgot what a thrill and rush it is to be in front of the camera. I'm so grateful, Dahlia. You took a chance on me when no one in this town would give me a job walking their dog. How am I ever gonna repay you?
>> Simon: Come on, baby, you must be beat. Shall we take off?
>> Katie: Yeah. Let me just hop in the shower.
>> Simon: Okay.
>> Katie: I'm gonna make you so proud of me.
>> Dahlia: I already am, Katie.
>> Katie: Thank you. Ow!
>> Dahlia: So was I right, or was I right? Seems like your wife's ambitious streak is starting to kick in, big-time.
>> Simon: Oh, is this where you're gonna bore me again with how you're gonna pit Katie and me against each other?
>> Dahlia: You're looking at this all wrong, Simon. I just want to make dreams come true.
>> Simon: Really? Well, my dream is for world peace and that you will disappear.
>> Dahlia: Well, maybe I can give you something that might change your mind.
[ Dahlia grabs Simon and kisses him - he pushes her away ]
>> Simon: Back off!
>> Dahlia: Come on, Simon. You liked it. Just give it some time. Maybe you'll change your mind.

Scene 4:
Location: Production Studio

SIMON FRASIER, KATIE FRASIER

>> Simon: Hey.
>> Katie: Hey.
>> Simon: Look -- listen, we gotta talk.
>> Katie: No, listen, me first.
>> Simon: No, Katie, I --
>> Katie: I am so sorry for before. I just really want you to know how stupid I was being. And I feel ridiculous for it. I am so sorry, and I totally am forgiving you.
>> Simon: You're forgiving me? Forgiving me for what?
>> Katie: I know I saw you trying to get along with Dahlia, and you were working really hard at it. And I really appreciate that. I know that yore doing it because you love me more than anything.
>> Simon: Yes, yes, the love part -- the love part is true. But, listen, about Dahlia --
>> Katie: I know she's hard-nosed. She's totally hard-nosed. She's a hard-nosed businesswoman. She's hard to get along with. She rubs people the wrong way. But you are doing it beautifully, and I love you for that.
>> Simon: Listen, listen, listen, I meant what I said before about wanting to make you happy, all right? Happy in life, happy with me. The thing is, with Dahlia --
>> Katie: I am so happy. That's what you don't understand, honey.
>> Simon: No, listen to me.
>> Katie: I am happy. I'm happy with you and my life and my future and the video. I've never been happier in my life, and it's all because of my beautiful husband. Okay, I have to go.
>> Simon: Where do you have to go? Wait, wait, listen.
>> Katie: Oh, I forgot to tell you -- I'm supposed to help Lucy move. She's moving out of Lucinda's, back into Craig's, and I have to move her stuff.
>> Simon: Wait. What? You have to do this tonight?
>> Katie: Yeah. She's been so good to me. I owe her that much at least. I love having a little protégé, it's great.
Ah! I love this life. I cannot believe that it's mine. I'll see you at home, okay? Wear something sexy.

Home
Simonscript
February, 2002