EPISODE 12/28/00
Simon And Katie Come Face To Face With The INS

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December, 2000


THURSDAY, DECEMBER 28, 2000

Scene 1:
Location: Burt's Garage

SIMON FRASIER AND MRS KATIE PERETTI FRASIER

>> Simon: Somehow, undecking the halls is never quite so jolly.
>> Katie: Simon -- oh, I'm so glad I caught you in time.
>> Simon: In time for what? What's wrong?
>> Katie: I just -- I wanted to save our angel.
>> Simon: I'm sure you can get another one like it next year.
>> Katie: Well, I'm sure I probably could. It's just that -- well, this Christmas had the potential of being a major disaster with my family trying to ambush me and all and -- well, you made everything okay. More than okay, and I just -- I just wanted to save this angel to remind me that I had a guardian angel this Christmas.
>> Simon: I don't think I deserve to be canonized just for treating you with some consideration.
>> Katie: No, I'm just -- I'm just grateful.
>> Simon: Hey, if I've been kind, I'm returning the favor -- a very big favor.
>> Katie: Yeah, I guess you're right. Not many women would marry a guy just so he could stay in the country.
>> Simon: No. No, not many sane ones, anyway. Speaking of which, I hope you haven't forgotten our appointment at the I.N.S. Office.
>> Katie: That's today?
>> Simon: Yeah, like in 15 minutes. You ready to go?
>> Katie: We're not ready. Simon, we barely know anything about each other.
>> Simon: Relax. I think we know enough to get through one meeting.
>> Katie: What's my favorite dessert?
>> Simon: Creme brulee.
>> Katie: Banana split. Favorite book?
>> Simon: "Anna Karenina"?
>> Katie: Who's she?
>> Simon: All right, fine. Okay, I get it, I see your point. Maybe we should put it off a little bit, buy ourselves some time to get to know each other better.
>> Katie: Yeah, and with our honeymoon right around the corner, there's plenty of opportunity.

Scene 2:
Location: INS Dept
Scene: Agent Halliwell's Office

SIMON FRASIER AND AGENT HALLIWELL

>> Simon: Look, of course I was nervous when I met my mother-in-law for the first time. I mean, come on, who isn't? But my fears were unfounded. Lyla was warm and gracious. And my sister-in-law and her husband have welcomed me with open arms. You remember Tom and Margo from the wedding, don't you?
>> Halliwell: I remember everything about your wedding, Mr. Frasier. Tell me, why did you include this credit card offer?
>> Simon: Oh, yes. You see this? Look at the addressee -- Kathryn Frasier.
>> Halliwell: And that's supposed to prove that you and Kathryn are married?
>> Simon: Well, it's a small piece of evidence in a much larger picture.
>> Halliwell: I see. Except there's one crucial element missing from this "picture" -- Mrs. Frasier.
>> Simon: Oh, I know.
>> Halliwell: She was supposed to join us.
>> Simon: I know. She had every intention of coming.
>> Halliwell: But what? She came down with a sudden case of the flu?
>> Simon: No. No, thank goodness. She's in perfect health. She's just, you know, very busy organizing the honeymoon -- all the arrangements.
>> Halliwell: I see. Tell me, where do you and your lovely bride plan to spend this romantic getaway? Because if you had any thoughts of leaving the country --
>> Simon: No. No, no, no. We're not even leaving the state, actually. We're going to Bay City.
>> Halliwell: Really? I would have thought you'd choose a more exotic locale, say a remote tropical island.
>> Simon: You see, we don't have the bank account for that. Not yet, anyway. And like you just said, we can't even leave the country. But we don't need an expensive destination, just a very private one.
>> Halliwell: I'm impressed, Frasier. You came well prepared. You play the game better than most.
>> Simon: Look, Agent Halliwell, you can obsess over this case all you like, but you're wasting your time.
>> Halliwell: I'll take that chance. In the meantime, I'm gonna give you fair warning. I'm gonna be watching you when you least expect it. And the first time you slip up in any way at all, I'm gonna slam dunk you right back to Australia, faster than you can sing "Waltzing Matilda."

Scene 3:
Location: Burt's Garage
Scene: Katie and Simon's Room

MRS KATIE PERETTI FRASIER ALONE

[Katie is packing lingerie for her honeymoon]
>> Katie: Hmm, the willing virgin look. No, Simon knows I'm no virgin. Next. Okay, how about -- good girl turned bad. Yeah, this might make it hard for Simon to be a good boy. But, then again, who can resist this baby? Well, three nights, three different looks. I'll take them all.

Scene 4:
Location: INS Department
Scene: Agent Halliwell's Office

SIMON FRASIER AND AGENT HALLIWELL

>> Simon: I came to this country determined to follow the rules, to report all my movements to the agency. But, eventually, that became impossible, due to circumstances out of my control.
>> Halliwell: Don't tell me, your dog ate our phone number?
>> Simon: No. No. Look, my late sister deposited Lily Snyder and me on an uninhabited island. There were no phones, no methods of communication whatsoever. Look, otherwise, I would have contacted the authorities and extended my stay in a proper legal manner. You have to believe that.
>> Halliwell: All right. I'm gonna tell you something, Frasier, and it's pretty much off the record, so I wouldn't put much stock in it if I were you.
>> Simon: Yeah?
>> Halliwell: As far as I can tell, you're okay. I mean, you haven't hurt anyone, and some decent people are apparently very fond of you. But this is not about whether or not I like you. My job is to enforce the law, and you broke it.
>> Simon: With good reason.
>> Halliwell: I've heard your reason. And if you don't mind my saying so, you have gotten yourself into a very bizarre situation. I don't know how a guy with such a clean record could end up in such a mess.
>> Simon: That's a good question. It all started when I fell in love with a woman unlike any person I've ever met before in my life.
>> Halliwell: I see. Tell me more about this, um -- love of your life.

Scene 5:
Location: INS Department
Scene: Agent Halliwell's Office

SIMON FRASIER AND AGENT HALLIWELL

>> Simon: I never thought much about the notion of love at first sight. But soon as I laid my eyes on her, I was gone. She was so full of contradictions - - sophisticated, yet somehow naive, strong but vulnerable, and gentle, yet so fierce. And it was all right there in her eyes.
>> Halliwell: We are talking about your wife, Kathryn?
>> Simon: Yeah, of course. Katie. Who else?
>> Halliwell: You tell me.
>> Simon: Look, Agent Halliwell, you haven't see us at our best. I mean, the night of the wedding was so full of obstacles, and it was tense because of the resistance of Katie's family. But the love beneath those hurried vows is real, you know? And always will be, till death do us part. And Katie's family sees that now.
>> Halliwell: All right. Take your love of your life to the hot bed of romance, Bay City, but I want you back in my office the day you return to answer questions about the state of your union. And you better check in with me daily while you're away.
>> Simon: You can count on it.
>> Halliwell: If you're telling the truth and I come to find that you and Kathryn are married in the true legal sense, then it's possible, possible you maybe allowed to stay in the United States.
>> Simon: Well, that would be a dream come true, sir.
>> Halliwell: And on the other hand, if I come to find evidence that this romance of the century is a fraud, I will ship you back to Australia on the spot. And you'll never set foot in this country again. Is that understood?
>> Simon: Understood, sir. Crystal clear.
>> Halliwell: Good. Then I assume it's also understood that I will continue to make your life as hellish as humanly possible. It's nothing personal, Frasier. It's my job.
>> Simon: And you do it so well, sir. Good day.

Scene 6:
Location: Burt's Garage

MRS KATIE PERETTI FRASIER AND SIMON FRASIER

>> Katie: Hey, how'd it go?
>> Simon: Fine.
>> Katie: Fine? Our fate lies in the hands of Agent guy and all you can say is "Fine?"
>> Simon: Well, it seems, "Agent guy" has decided to reserve judgment about on our marriage for the time being. But he's expecting us in his office as soon as we return from Bay City. And we'd better be ready to pull off convincing performances by then or we're both be facing fraud charges.
>> Katie: Look at you.
>> Simon: Haven't you heard a word I just said?
>> Katie: Unfortunately, yes. And I think you're being way too pessimistic. It's no wonder you're so tense.
>> Simon: Katie, I am not tense. All right?
>> Katie: Oh no? Simon, then why are all your muscles so tied up in knots, huh?
>> Simon: Look, it's been a very trying day.
>> Katie: Well, why don't you let me help you unwind, fix you a nice strong drink, we'll put on some good music, and then we can -- you know.
>> Simon: Look, Katie, you know that we have an agreement on that subject.

AGENT HALLIWELL ENTERS THE GARAGE

>> Halliwell: And what subject would that be, Mr. Frasier?

Scene 7:
Location: Burt's Garage

AGENT HALLIWELL, MRS KATIE PERETTI FRASIER, AND SIMON FRASIER

>> Halliwell: It's not a difficult question. You two have some sort of agreement? Explain it to me.
>> Katie: We would, it's just kind of embarrassing. Isn't that right, sweetheart.
>> Simon: Yeah, yeah, that's right -- darling. Most embarrassing.
>> Halliwell: You wouldn't believe the things I hear on this job. Go ahead, tell me.
>> Katie: Well, Simon and I have this agreement that we can't make love more than three times a day.
>> Halliwell: Now, that's one I haven't heard.
>> Katie: I'm sorry, honey, but he asked. And you said that we were supposed to answer all of the questions honestly. You know, there's actually a reason why we had to put a limit on it --
>> Simon: Ah, let's -- let's spare Agent Halliwell the sordid details, dumpling.
>> Katie: I'm just trying to help the man do his job.
>> Halliwell: I appreciate the gesture, Mrs. Frasier. But maybe we've had enough full disclosure for one day.
>> Katie: Well, then, if you wouldn't mind leaving us a alone for a moment, we are still newlyweds. What's wrong, sweetheart?
>> Simon: Nothing. I just -- I just don't want to -- make Agent Halliwell to feel uncomfortable.
>> Halliwell: Ah, I appreciate the concern, Frasier, but I'm made of strong stock. Anyway, I'm not here to question you.
>> Simon: Right, right. Then, why are you here?
>> Halliwell: You left this in my office. I thought you might need it on your honeymoon.
>> Simon: Great. Excellent.
>> Katie: Yes.
>> Simon: Thank you. Thanks for returning it.
>> Katie: Thank you so much. And feel free to stop by whenever.
>> Halliwell: Oh, I will, and at the most surprising times. Well, enjoy your honeymoon, lovebirds.
[Agent Halliwell leaves]
>> Simon: That man is not going to leave us alone until he finds something to use against us.
>> Katie: And he never will. 'Cause after we get back from Bay City, we're going to know each other inside and out -- dumpling.

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December, 2000