EPISODE 12/1/00
Katie Pressures Simon To Marry Her

Home
Simonscript
December, 2000


FRIDAY, DECEMBER 1, 2000

Scene 1:
Location: I.N.S. Office.

LILY WALSH SNYDER AND AGENT HALLIWELL

>> Lily: Excuse me, Agent Halliwell, I hope?
>> Halliwell: Last time I checked. And you are?
>> Lily: Lily Snyder. Hi. I'm here on behalf of a very dear friend. I know it's late. I hope you have a few minutes.
>> Halliwell: Name?
>> Lily: Lily Snyder.
>> Halliwell: Of your friend?
>> Lily: Oh. Simon. Simon Frasier.
>> Halliwell: Really? I was just reviewing his file.
>> Lily: Well, good. Good.
>> Halliwell: Australian National, works at Burt's Garage?
>> Lily: Yes, yes.
>> Halliwell: You say he's a friend of yours?
>> Lily: Yes. Look, I hope you don't find this presumptuous, but I think you ought to know Lucinda Walsh is my mother. She's the president of Worldwide Industries. I'm -- I'm a businesswoman in my own right. So, I like to find solutions to problems. And I can mobilize a lot of support in this area of the country. So, I think it would be a good idea for you to listen to what I have to say.
>> Halliwell: So, you're saying that your stature in the community should give your plea more weight?
>> Lily: I'm determined to keep Simon Frasier from being deported, and I will use everything I have to make sure that doesn't happen.

Scene 2:
Location: Burt's garage.

SIMON FRASIER AND MISS KATIE PERETTI

>> Simon: Ah, sorry, wrong garage.
>> Katie: Hey, what do you think?
>> Simon: Are you kidding? This is great. Wow, I mean, you've taken a few liberties. These tires should be over here --
>> Katie: Oh, no, no, no, don't. They're alphabetized.
>> Simon: You alphabetized the tires?
>> Katie: Mm-hmm. I just wanted you to know that -- that I'm not a spoiled brat and I can pull my own weight.
>> Simon: All right. What else have you done? Made fresh coffee, I see. >> Katie: And cookies.
>> Simon: You baked cookies?
>> Katie: Well, I kinda bought them. But I just wanted you to know how appreciative I am of you letting me stay here. And this is just the beginning,
Simon. You are going to see how useful I can be.
>> Simon: Wait, wait, wait. Are these tools polished?
>> Katie: Well, just the wrenches. And you know, I would have baked those cookies by hand, but your kitchen is under, like, an inch of grease. So, that is tomorrow's project -- clean up this place. I am so excited. I have so many ideas about how we can fix things up.
>> Simon: Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, wait. You are not doing any redecorating because this is a very temporary arrangement. And you should be spending your considerable energy on finding a job so you can get your own place to live.
>> Katie: Okay. Yeah, fine. I was just thinking, you know, in case. >> Simon: In case what?
>> Katie: In case you and I do end up together. I mean, on a -- on a permanent basis. Hey, it could happen.
>> Simon: No, it couldn't. Look, don't kid yourself, Katie. I really appreciate everything you've done here, but it doesn't change anything. You and I do not, repeat -- do not have a future together.
>> Katie: Well, you know, Simon, I'm sorry, but in this case, I think you're the one who's kidding yourself.

Scene 3:
Location: I.N.S. Office.

LILY WALSH SNYDER AND AGENT HALLIWELL

>> Halliwell: So, that's how things work in your family? You ask nice for what you want, and when you don't get it, you throw your weight around?
>> Lily: No. I just want Simon to get fair treatment.
>> Halliwell: Let me tell you how things work in my family, Ms. Snyder. In my family, we play by the rules. And when we don't get what we want, we lump it.
>> Lily: Look, Simon is a decent, hard-working man. He deserves to stay in the United States. And I'm a respected member of the community. I should be able to sponsor him.
>> Halliwell: All right, let's assume that I misunderstood you, and that is what you're saying. It still doesn't change the fact that the I.N.S. has protocol which cannot be sidestepped.
>> Lily: I am not asking you to break the rules. I'm just asking for Simon to have a fair hearing. He needs to know the particulars. He needs to know what to prepare, how to prepare it, how to defend his positions. Can you just tell me what to expect from the deportation hearing?
>> Halliwell: All right. The first thing I can tell you is that Mr. Frasier won't be having one.

Scene 4:
Location: Burt's garage.

SIMON FRASIER AND MISS KATIE PERETTI

>> Simon: Maybe you should clean your ears out, as well, Katie, 'cause they don't seem to be hearing very well. Shall I speak up? You and I are never, ever, under any circumstances, getting married!
>> Katie: You know what? You need to learn how to keep you options open, especially with the I.N.S. breathing down your neck.
>> Simon: Look, I can handle them.
>> Katie: Not alone. You need someone to cover for you, and who better than I, Katie Peretti, blushing bride-in-training?
>> Simon: Look, you've been a huge help, and I totally appreciate everything you've done -- getting free advice from your brother-in-law, worrying about my deportation hearing, even putting those tires in alphabetical order.
>> Katie: Oh, come on, you make me sound about as fun as a spinster.
>> Simon: Look, I'm sorry, I'm just trying to --
>> Katie: Didn't I show you some real fun, Simon? Didn't I make this very car that you're sitting on a hotbed of memories?
>> Simon: Let's not make too much of that, okay? Yes, you've been good fun. You're great company, but that's not enough to base a future on.
>> Katie: Okay, fine. You can say no to the wedding. But let me just tell you that you're digging you're own grave, because the I.N.S. is going to bury you.
>> Simon: No, they're not. I've done some research of my own. I should be getting a notice about a hearing, but that won't happen for a couple months, which gives me enough time to get a lawyer and a strategy.
>> Katie: Well, good luck finding one who will work for a grease monkey's wages.
>> Simon: Look, I've got a friend who's got some family connections.
>> Katie: A friend? That's a cute way to describe Lily.
>> Simon: I don't want to talk about it anymore, okay?
>> Katie: Fine. I'd just don't want you to get your hopes up. I don't know what Lily has told you about her family being Oakdale's answer to the Kennedys, but you can forget it, because even the high and mighty can't get around U.S. Immigration laws.
>> Simon: I can handle things on my own. I can be a pretty tough fighter, too, you know.
>> Katie: Well, haven't you ever heard that anti-war slogan from the '60s?
>> Simon: Yeah, which one was that?
>> Katie: "Make love, not war."
>> Simon: That's enough, Katie.
>> Katie: You know, you wannabe immigrants are supposed to bone up on American History, so I could teach you a few things if you'll teach me some other things.

Scene 5:
Location: Burt's garage.

SIMON FRASIER AND MISS KATIE PERETTI

>> Simon: Look, you want to learn something about sex? Okay, here's lesson number one. Jumping on me has no more to do with making love than your proposal has to do with marriage.
>> Katie: Whoa. Simon, hang on. You're not even trying. "Hello, this is Mrs. Simon Frasier, is my husband's dry cleaning ready?" See what a good wife I would be?
>> Simon: I don't see anyone as my wife, okay? If married had to do with housecleaning, loyalty, being fun in bed, then -- maybe then, you'd qualify. But it isn't. So, you can forget about us ever exchanging rings.
>> Katie: Simon.
>> Simon: No, no, Katie, that's it. Enough, all right? Seriously, any more, and I'll throw you out on your feather duster. I mean it.
>> Katie: You would throw me out, now, after everything we've been through?
>> Simon: That is exactly what I'm trying to say. We haven't been through anything together. Look, we barely even know each other.
>> Katie: I know you, Simon.
>> Simon: Yeah? How do you figure?
>> Katie: You were my first lover. My first, ever. And do you know what that means? Whether you like it or not, you've changed my life.

Scene 6:
Location: Burt's garage.

SIMON FRASIER AND MISS KATIE PERETTI

>> Katie: Recognize this? [Katie shows him the wrinkled business card from the INS Agent] It's a souvenir. I know it sounds kind of weird, but I wanted to keep something to remind me of one of the most beautiful nights of my life. It's the card from that I.N.S. guy.
>> Simon: Halliwell?
>> Katie: Yeah, you crumpled it up and threw it away, and I kept it.
>> Simon: Katie, I don't think you should be keeping souvenirs of a night when we were both --
>> Katie: Please, don't, don't start with the platonic friends lecture, Simon. You can't un-ring the bell.
>> Simon: We don't have to pretend that nothing happened --
>> Katie: Good, because I don't think that I can. I thought some pretty amazing things happened that night. Now I understand why people get so weird when they sleep together.
>> Simon: Katie --
>> Katie: I mean, I waited for this for a long time, and if someone had told me that my first time would be in the backseat of a car like this, I would have told them that they were confusing me with some bimbo. But I'm not complaining. I could have been buck-naked in an igloo and I wouldn't have noticed. 'Cause it was pretty wonderful. Every minute of it, and I just wish that you thought that it meant something too.
>> Simon: Look, okay, it did. It did mean something. But something is not enough to get married on. I mean, this may sound like a novel idea, but shouldn't love come into a marriage somewhere?
>> Katie: Even if the marriage is phony? Even if it means that a certain tall, dark Australian could stay in the country?
>> Simon: Yes, even then.
>> Katie: Even if the girl is indebted to you?
>> Simon: Yes.
>> Katie: All right. Well, I'm sorry if my being here has made you thoughts less than lily-white, but just consider those kisses a down payment in case you ever want that debt paid off.
>> Simon: Don't push your luck, Katie.
>> Katie: All right, okay, fine, don't, don't worry, my lips are sealed about us and our romantic past.
>> Simon: Good. Okay, so we understand each other?
>> Katie: Yes, absolutely. Can I stay?
>> Simon: For today.
>> Katie: And tomorrow?
>> Simon: Yes, all right, if you behave.
>> Katie: I will, I will, I promise. Okay, I will never mutter the "M" word again. And if Agent Halliwell keeps bugging, just remember that the invitation's always open and the justice of the peace is just a phone call away.

Scene 7:
Location: I.N.S. Office

LILY WALSH SNYDER AND AGENT HALLIWELL

>> Halliwell: Look, I went by Burt's Garage to I.D. Mr. Frasier. I even left my card. But did Mr. Frasier call me? No, he did not. Which leads me to believe that Mr. Frasier knew that his visa had expired and that he was planning to stay here illegally.
>> Lily: His visa expired because he was on an island. How could he call you back? He probably didn't call you when he came home because he thought he would see you at the hearing. It is customary to have a hearing in his situation, right?
>> Halliwell: It is if you're here on a standard visa issued in the standard way.
>> Lily: And Simon's wasn't?
>> Halliwell: Your friend entered this country on the visa waiver pilot program, which allows citizens of certain countries, like Australia, to enter this country without all the paperwork.
>> Lily: But you can't deport him without a hearing.
>> Halliwell: You can if he's part of the visa waiver program.
>> Lily: Wait a minute, that's unconstitutional!
>> Halliwell: My wife cooked meatloaf tonight, Mrs. Snyder, and my piece by now is probably cold, so you'll forgive me if I don't feel like debating the constitution with you. Suffice it to say that it's the law, and it applies to everyone in the waiver program, regardless of who their friends are.
>> Lily: It just came out of nowhere, with no warning. He doesn't get a chance to defend himself?
>> Halliwell: We attempted to serve notice of his visa expiration in August. Unfortunately, Mr. Frasier didn't feel it necessary the inform the INS of his current address.
>> Lily: I told you, he was on an island -- with me!
>> Halliwell: As a result of Mr. Frasier's own actions, thus, Mr. Frasier couldn't make a voluntary departure without a ruling against him.
>> Lily: In English, please.
>> Halliwell: He doesn't get a hearing because he's already been deported in absentia.
>> Lily: So he never had a chance? That's criminal!
>> Halliwell: The paperwork is already being completed, Mrs. Snyder. Mr. Frasier will be escorted to the airport by federal marshals and put on a plane back to Australia.
>> Lily: The paperwork, the paperwork -- so how long are we talking about here?
>> Halliwell: Any time now. Word could come down tonight that he's being deported.
>> Lily: No! I need at least until tomorrow.
>> Halliwell: There's nothing you can do, Mrs. Snyder. This business is already closed. There's nothing you can do to change Mr. Frasier's fate.
>> Lily: Well, then I guess you didn't hear me clearly. Don't underestimate me.

Scene 8:
Location: Burt's garage.

SIMON FRASIER AND MISS KATIE PERETTI

[Simon is working on the car and Katie surprises him]
>> Simon: Oh!
>> Katie: Ow!
>> Simon: Look, I thought you'd gone. Don't sneak up on me like that. Are you okay?
>> Katie: Yeah. I just came back for a minute.
>> Simon: Look, I'm working now, Katie, and I want to continue working. I don't have time to play any more games.
>> Katie: No more games, Simon. I just came to remind you that I really do want to help you. And I want you to consider everything. I mean, everything that I said earlier.
>> Simon: You've made that point already. Okay? You didn't have to come back here to make it again.
>> Katie: Yes, I did. Because ever since our little liaison, I haven't quite looked at the world or the men in it in the same way and I just want you to understand something.
>> Simon: Yeah. What's that?
>> Katie: That I am so, so available. That's it. I'll see ya later.

SIMON FRASIER ALONE.

>> Simon: I.N.S. card. Some souvenir.

LILY WALSH SNYDER AND SIMON FRASIER

>> Lily: Simon!
>> Simon: Yeah. In here.
>> Lily: Simon.
>> Simon: Hey.
>> Lily: You've gotta go. You've gotta get out of here.
>> Simon: What's up? What's wrong? Slow down.
>> Lily: You have to pack your bags and you have to run!
>> Simon: Slow down, you're not making any sense. What?
>> Lily: The I.N.S., they're gonna come here with federal marshals! They're gonna make you leave the country tonight!


Home
Simonscript
December, 2000