EPISODE 12/13/00
Simon And Katie Get Married

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December, 2000


WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 13, 2000

Scene 1:
Location: Clark County Courthouse

KATIE PERETTI, SIMON FRASIER, MARGO HUGHES, LILY SNYDER, AND TOM HUGHES

>> Katie: What do you think you're doing?
>> Lily: I'm going out there to stall them and you two are getting married now.
>> Margo: Oh, Lily, think what you're doing here.
>> Tom: Those guys are federal agents.
>> Simon: How can I, Lily? Not after what you just said.
>> Lily: I know what I said, but it's not going to work. You're going to have to do this for us and do it now.
>> Simon: What are you going to tell the I.N.S.?
>> Lily: I don't know. I'll figure something out!
>> Tom: They have orders to make an arrest. Don't open yourself up to obstruction of justice here --
>> Lily: I will not obstruct anything. I'll just stall it for a little while. Now, you just have to -- just do it.
>> Katie: Okay, come on, Simon.
>> Margo: Oh, please! I can't believe you're dragging them back into this again.
>> Katie: Nobody is dragging anyone into anything. Would you please just butt out of this and be our witnesses?
>> Simon: Okay, are you sure about this?
>> Lily: I'm sure. I can't say good-bye to you. I just can't -- so just do it.
>> Katie: Okay, let's go -- everybody's here -- dearly beloved, start with the vows and make it quick.
>> Margo: Wait, wait -- wait a minute, Simon, you were thinking clearly a minute ago. What happened?
>> Simon: Lily. All right, that's what happened. You heard what she said. She wants this, all right? So we have to do it.
>> Margo: Yeah, but she's not thinking clearly. She's hysterical.
>> Tom: Marrying Katie is utterly and entirely wrong for so many reasons.
>> Katie: Would you two please just butt out of this? Listen, Lily begged you to do this, because she realized it's the only thing that makes sense. It's marry me now, today, and stay in the country -- or go turn yourself in and never see her again.

Scene 2:
Scene: Outside of the courthouse

LILY SNYDER, AGENT HALLIWELL, AND AGENT PENDLETON

>> Lily: Oh, Agent Halliwell! I'm so glad you're here.
>> Halliwell: Somehow, I doubt that. Where's Simon?
>> Lily: I have no --
>> Pendleton: Yeah, we've got him a one-way ticket back to Australia.
>> Lily: I don't know where he is. But I do have some information, and I could really use your help.
>> Halliwell: Yeah, what kind of information?
>> Lily: Simon is going to get married.
>> Halliwell: And how did that information get you to this courthouse with a police escort?
>> Lily: I couldn't find you. So I went to the police station and I spoke to a friend. And she suggested that maybe they arranged to get married in a neighboring township outside of Oakdale. So I came here and they're not here. We were wrong. But they have to be close by. I could use your help. Please, I could really use your help to find them and stop this wedding!

Scene 3:
Scene: Inside the Courtroom

JUDGE, KATIE PERETTI, MARGO HUGHES, TOM HUGHES, AND SIMON FRASIER

>> Judge: Excuse me -- are we having a wedding this evening, or aren't we?
>> Katie: Yes, aren't we?
>> Margo: No, wait, Katie, wait. What you do in the next minute is going to affect you for the rest of your life. Do you understand that?
>> Katie: I understand everything I need to understand.
>> Tom: We are the only two people here that are looking down the road. All you see is right now. If you go through with this, you're going to live with this for a long time.
>> Katie: Well, this decision has already been made, can't you see that? Lily's out there right now putting herself on the line. You can't let Lily risk everything and then go back on your word, Simon. She would be in more trouble with the I.N.S. than you ever were.
>> Simon: All right, all right. I'm ready, your honor. We're sorry for the delay. Let's go.
>> Judge: I know that this is a civil ceremony. And people sometimes don't take it as seriously. But I do. Now, I need to believe that a couple is sure.
>> Simon: We are sure. We are very sure.
>> Katie: Yes, your honor, of course we're sure. And we are very ready. So let's get on with it and make it fast.
>> Judge: Just let me find the right page.
>> Simon: Come on, surely you know the words. You must've done this at least a million times.
>> Judge: We are here to witness the joining in matrimony of Kathryn Peretti and Simon Frasier -
>> Katie: I do already! I do.

Scene 4:
Scene: Courtroom

JUDGE, KATIE PERETTI, SIMON FRASIER, TOM HUGHES, AND MARGO HUGHES

>> Judge: If any person present knows of any impediment to this marriage, they should declare it now.
>> Katie: Nope, everybody's fine with it. Okay, go on.
>> Simon: And can you just jump ahead to the absolutely necessary parts?
>> Judge: Love and commitment?
>> Katie: Got that -- skip ahead.
>> Judge: The exchange of rings?
>> Katie: Oh, I got those. Okay, here's your's -- and mine -- done deal.
>> Judge: All right. We'll name the vows.

Scene 5:
Scene: Inside the courthouse

SIMON FRASIER, KATIE PERETTI, AND THE JUDGE

>> Simon: We're not going to make it.
>> Katie: Yes we are -- can we say our own vows?
>> Judge: Oh, all right.

Scene 6:
Scene: Outside the Courthouse

AGENT HALLIWELL AND LILY SNYDER

>> Halliwell: Stand aside, Mrs. Snyder -- I think we'll just have a word with the judge.
>> Lily: What are you doing? We're losing time! I've looked in there already!

Scene 7:
Scene: Inside the Courthouse

KATIE PERETTI, SIMON FRASIER, JUDGE, AND AGENT HALLIWELL

>> Katie: Um, okay -- I, Katie, take you, Simon, to be my lawfully wedded husband. To have and to hold, to love and cherish, through sickness and health. For richer or poorer -- through rain, snow, sleet, hail and the darkness of night. Till death do we part, I do. Your turn --
>> Simon: Okay, I, Simon, take you, Katie, in richness and poorness. And all the other beautiful things that you just said. Righto, ditto, right back at you -- um -- yadda, yadda, yadda -- amen, hallelujah and I do. I do, okay. Is that okay?
>> Judge: I now pronounce you man and wife. Do you think you can spare the time to kiss the bride?
>> Katie: That's your cue, honey.
[Agent Halliwell, Agent Pendleton, and Lily Walsh Snyder come into the courtroom.] >> Simon: Hey, you're too late, guys. I'm already married.
>> Halliwell: Congratulations -- but I wouldn't start throwing the rice just yet.

Scene 8:
Scene: Courtroom

SIMON FRASIER, KATIE PERETTI, AGENT HALLIWELL, JUDGE, LILY SNYDER, AND AGENT PENDLETON

>> Simon: Well, I'm sorry, fellas. I would have invited you, but I seem to have misplaced your card. By the way, I think you've met my lovely wife, Katie -- you know, I about to say Katie Peretti, but that's not right anymore, is it? Sweetheart --
>> Katie: Oh, I hope you'll wish us well. We are so excited. This is so romantic, isn't it?
>> Halliwell: Is there a license for these two?
>> Judge: It's right here. I don't believe we've been introduced.
>> Halliwell: Agent Douglas Halliwell. Immigration and Naturalization. And this is Agent Pendleton. You presided over this marriage?
>> Judge: It wasn't one of my more conventional ceremonies, but they are indeed lawfully wed. All the papers are in order. Now, if you will excuse me, it's been a long evening. A very long evening.
>> Halliwell: I'll be in touch, your honor, if I have any more questions about this so-called "marriage."
>> Judge: Well, you know where to find me.
>> Halliwell: You know, "legal" in this sense is a technical term. It's obvious this wedding is a sham.
>> Simon: No, no, no. It was sudden, you know, I'll grant you that. But I'm sure we're not the first couple to tie the knot on the spur of the moment.
>> Halliwell: No, Mr. Frasier, you're not the first. Other people have gotten married on the day they were being deported -- stupid people.
>> Katie: Well, wait, "sudden" does not mean "unexpected." I told you that we were engaged the day that you came by the garage. And that was way before I even heard of your crazy "kick you out of the country before you even say anything" law.
>> Pendleton: Yeah, and of course the timing is just a coincidence, right?
>> Katie: This is no marriage of convenience. Simon and I are in love.
>> Halliwell: Is that true? Are you in love with her?
>> Simon: Yeah, of course I am. I mean, would I do this if I wasn't?
>> Halliwell: And how is it you missed this ceremony when you were searching the building for your friend?
>> Lily: I don't know. I came in here and there was no one here, and so I left.
>> Simon: Look, it's my fault! That's my fault. All my fault -- I'm sorry. Lily, I saw you searching for me, so I hid. I shouldn't have. But I couldn't stand facing you. I know I led you to believe that my feelings for Katie were different than what they are. But do not accuse Lily of anything. She has got nothing to do with what went on here.
>> Halliwell: Look, I wasn't born yesterday. And I'm not buying a word of this. You got married to avoid being deported, end of story.
>> Simon: No, no, no -- Katie and I have been planning on getting married for weeks. Sure we moved up our plans, but that's only because you moved up my deportation date. I thought I would at least get a hearing.
>> Halliwell: Oh, I assure you, Mr. Frasier, your case got ample consideration.
>> Katie: Ample? You call a few days ample?
>> Halliwell: Look, I know what you're trying to do. You're trying to help out a friend. But you're making a big mistake, Miss Peretti -- punishable by law.
>> Katie: Simon is not just a "friend," he's my husband. And that's Mrs. Frasier to you.
>> Halliwell: I'm sorry. This is just not going to cut it.
>> Katie: You think that I would get married as a favor? That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! Simon and I are in love. We have done what in-love people do. You want an affidavit? We're not just good buddies. Fine, you want -- you want proof of intimacy? Time, date, distinguishing birthmarks? We can do that for you. You know, I shouldn't really have to say this, but you must have some test that can prove that we've had sex.
>> Halliwell: You two are being awfully quiet over there. Detective Hughes, isn't it? Miss Peretti's sister?
>> Margo: Yes, and this is my husband, Tom Hughes.
>> Katie: And they are here because they believe in us and our marriage. I asked my sister to stand up for me. And yes, she had her reservations at first, but only because I'm so young.
>> Halliwell: This morning, I asked you to help me locate Mr. Frasier.
>> Margo: Yes -- yes, you did. And obviously you didn't need my assistance at all.
>> Halliwell: So you're saying the sole purpose for you being here is to support your sister's nuptials?
>> Margo: I'm not saying anything. Let's go.
>> Halliwell: Well, that's all the answer I need.

Scene 9:
Scene: Courtroom

AGENT HALLIWELL, KATIE PERETTI, SIMON FRASIER, AND AGENT PENDLETON

>> Halliwell: Your own sister won't even support you in this quickie marriage.
>> Katie: Well, you don't know Margo. She was just very upset that we decided to elope, instead of having the big "wedding in a church" thing. Which frankly, I would have preferred, too, but you and your agency forced us to make other plans. Don't you think I would have loved to have a real wedding dress, with bridesmaids and pretty crowns of flowers?
>> Halliwell: What do you have to say about all this?
>> Simon: Leave Lily out of this. She knew nothing about our wedding plans, and she's already been through enough.
>> Halliwell: All right. If you all insist on sticking by this pathetic story, let me tell you what you're in for. You're going to have to prove through clear and convincing evidence that this is a bona fide marriage. And be forewarned, I'm going to see to this case personally. So you better make sure you dot every "I" and cross every "T" -- because I'm going to be watching you like a hungry broker watches the stock market. Pendleton, you want to tell them what else they can expect?
>> Pendleton: Oh, you mean the random checks?
>> Halliwell: That's right. We drop in unannounced to say hello.
>> Pendleton: Time-consuming interrogations --
>> Halliwell: In my office, at the earliest opportunity. You better be prepared. You better have touching family photographs, corroborating testimony from family and friends -- the works. One slipup, and that's it. The charges are fraud and conspiracy to defraud the united states government. The maximum penalty -- $250,000 and five years in jail. That means you better memorize every last freckle on the bottom-side of your new husband here, because I'm going to dig deep. My questions are going to make being under a microscope like a day at the beach. And you -- you, who tells me he loves his blushing bride -- well, let me tell you something, mister, you better hope you do, because she's yours for the next two years of your life.

Scene 10:
Scene: Courtroom

AGENT HALLIWELL, LILY SNYDER, SIMON FRASIER, AND KATIE PERETTI

>> Halliwell: It's a long time, two years, isn't it? Hope you can wait it out, Mrs. Snyder.
>> Lily: I have no emotional investment in the length of this marriage.
>> Halliwell: Really? You sure had an "emotional investment" a few moments ago, when you were trying to keep me out of this room.
>> Simon: Look, I told you to leave Lily out of this.
>> Lily: That was before I knew how close Simon and Katie were.
>> Halliwell: I see. You know, the I.N.S. Feels very strong about that kind of closeness. According to the law of this country, marriage is the union between one man and one woman, entered into voluntarily for life, to the exclusion of all others. That means your friend, Mr. Frasier, here is going to have to spend every night in the bed of his lawfully wedded wife. Is that clear?
>> Simon: Crystal. So now that you've put us on notice, is there anything else?
>> Halliwell: As a matter of fact, there is. I noticed that your cars weren't outside. How did you get here?
>> Simon: Well, Katie's nephew, Bryant, was good enough to drop us off, wasn't he?
>> Katie: Mm-hmm.
>> Halliwell: But he didn't want to stick around for the touching ceremony? Well, I guess you guys need a ride home. Pendleton and I will be happy to give you a lift.
>> Katie: That would be great! We would love a ride home.
>> Halliwell: I'm sure you want to get on with your honeymoon, huh?
>> Katie: Oh, you are right about that. Come on, honey, let's get going. I'm so excited. Oh, my gosh! I forgot. You almost made me forget one of the most important parts of the ceremony. Well, you're not exactly single -- not just yet -- but you'll have to do. Great catch -- I guess that makes two of us.

Scene 11:
Location: Burt's Garage
Scene: Outside the doorway

KATIE PERETTI AND SIMON FRASIER

>> Katie: Buh bye, thanks for the ride Mr. Halliwell!
>> Simon: Yeah, thanks for nothing.
>> Katie: Wait, Simon! Aren't you forgetting something?
>> Simon: Look, all I can see is Lily's face when Halliwell tried to scare us. The look in her eye when she heard that you and I would have to be married for - for two whole years!
>> Katie: Okay, do you think you could stop being miserable long enough to honor one small tradition? The threshold! I can't very well walk across it with my own two feet.
>> Simon: No, no, no. I - there is no way I'm carrying you across the threshold.
>> Katie: Uh, yes there is.
>> Simon: No, I don't think so.
>> Katie: Well, I wouldn't be so adamant about it, but Halliwell and his friend are watching every move we make. So we might as well make this look real. Hmm?
>> Simon: Fine. Fine.
[Simon carries Katie over the threshold]
>> Simon: There, you happy?
>> Katie: Very!
>> Simon: Look, Katie. I appreciate everything you've done for me. I really do. But once we are inside this apartment and this door here is shut, this marriage is nothing but an arrangement, okay? You understand that, yeah?
>> Katie: Of course, I do.
>> Simon: Good, good.
>> Katie: I'm the one that came up with idea, and it worked brilliantly, I might add. Let's celebrate.
>> Simon: Look, Katie, there is no marriage, so there is nothing to celebrate. Didn't you hear me?
>> Katie: Well, maybe not. But we beat the I.N.S. We kept you from being deported. And in my mind, that is reason enough for some bubbly and a toast. So what can we use for champagne?
>> Simon: This is not very fun for me. You know, I just can't your enthusiasm.
>> Katie: You are so moody. But you will get over it as soon as you realize what an amazing feat we pulled off.
>> Simon: Look, I wouldn't count on it. I love Lily, and I left her standing there completely alone. You know, I would hate to think what she's feeling right now.
>> Katie: Well, in the morning you can call and ask her. I'm sure she's relieved, Simon. I'm sure she is relieved that you are not on a plane back to where you came from, huh? So -- come on, let's talk.
>> Simon: Look, I'm tired, you know? I just want to go to bed.
>> Katie: Okay, you want to go to bed? This is your day, honey. We can do whatever you want.

Scene 12:
Location: Burt's Garage
Scene: Simon's Room

KATIE PERETTI AND SIMON FRASIER

>> Katie: Pretty cozy, huh?
>> Simon: Look, this isn't going to work.
>> Katie: Of course it is. Hey, we fit in the back seat of that convertible. I think this is probably about twice the size, and the sheets aren't vinyl.
>> Simon: I'm going to go sleep in the garage.
>> Katie: Simon, wait, you can't!
>> Simon: Katie, this is not a real honeymoon in any sense of the word!
>> Katie: I know that.
>> Simon: You keep saying that you know, but you keep acting like it is.
>> Katie: Acting, Simon. "Acting" is the operative word. Look, Halliwell said he's going to be watching our every move. So our acting has to be great. We have to act our roles perfectly. Look, if you go sleep in the garage, all they have to do is look through the window and see you sleeping in the back of a car on your honeymoon -- on your wedding night. They'll ship you right back to where you came from.
>> Simon: All right. Don't forget.
>> Katie: I know -- no honey, no moon.
>> Simon: And no sex.
>> Katie: I know.
[Simon sighs]
>> Simon: Well, you don't think those guys are going to camp outside all night, do you?
>> Katie: Well, I wouldn't put it past them. You might as well make this look real. Come on -- lie down -- get comfortable.
>> Simon: Aw!
>> Katie: What's the matter?
>> Simon: Haven't you got a nightgown or something else to put on?
>> Katie: Oh, please, I'm not gonna wear a granny gown on my wedding night.
>> Simon: Well, the heating is really shot in here. It's really bad. I mean, you're gonna get so cold.
>> Katie: Well, we'll keep each other warm. Simon, I don't like to sleep all bundled up. That's why I don't wear much to bed. The I.N.S. guys are going to want you to know those type of things.
>> Simon: What are you -- what are you doing? What are you doing?
>> Katie: Well, I'm doing research. They also said they wanted to know intimate details. Freckles -- I'm looking for those freckles they were talking about. And I'm going to need to know your sleeping habits. Do you like to spoon?
>> Simon: Cut it out, Katie. Cut it out, please.
>> Katie: Spoilsport -- look, I know this didn't exactly turn out the way you wanted it to, but everything's going to work out. I've got plans for us, Simon. We're not going to be in this garage for forever, you know. I know how to make things happen. Look at what happened today! We started the day as Simon and Katie on the run. And we ended the day as Mr. and Mrs. Frasier. Mr. and Mrs. Frasier -- I like the sound of that.
>> Simon: Good night, Katie.
>> Katie: A lot can happen in two years. This is just the beginning. I mean, if I can turn this grease pit into a home in two days, I think I can do anything. Simon, you just have to look to the future. You know, think positive. I see us in a big house -- maybe not as big as Lily's -- but big enough for two up-and-comers on the move. I'll have my own talk show or something, and I'll get you a really cool job, too. Simon, are you listening? Simon?

Home
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December, 2000