EPISODE 8/17/01
Simon And Katie Are Told To Leave Malta

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August, 2001


FRIDAY, AUGUST 17, 2001

Scene 1:
Place: Malta
Location: Villa in Malta
Scene: Lily Snyder's Room

SIMON FRASIER AND KATIE FRASIER

>> Simon: Hey, I'm back. Katie? Lily? Anyone in there? No notes and --
>> Katie: Hey. Oh, it says "world's greatest husband." At least that's what the guy at the souvenir stand said.
>> Simon: Oh, right. [ Katie grabs Simon and kisses him ] Katie, Katie, I --
>> Katie: I've been waiting all day to do that!
>> Simon: Wait, wait, wait. Where have you been just now?
>> Katie: I went to get a bucket of ice so we could have a glass of wine. You like white best, right? Oh, I want every day to be like this -- you come home from a rough day, and I greet you with dry wine and a wet kiss.
>> Simon: Katie, wait. I have something to tell you!
>> Katie: And then -- no, and then we can sit on our porch and cuddle and drink wine and watch the sun set. And we'll do this, and then you'll take me up to bed, and you know what comes next.
>> Simon: Wait, stop right there. Lily could walk in at any moment.
>> Katie: She's gonna be gone for hours.
>> Simon: Why? Where is she?
>> Katie: I think she went back to that church.
>> Simon: What?! What, you let her go back out there alone?

Scene 2:
Scene: Lily Snyder's Room

SIMON FRASIER AND KATIE FRASIER

>> Katie: What difference does it make if Lily want to spend the night at the church?
>> Simon: I still can't believe you let her go back out there.
>> Katie: Stop saying that I let her do things, Simon. I am not her mother. She's fine.
>> Simon: She's upset right now, okay? She's in no state to make decisions like that.
>> Katie: I know. I understand that, but if it makes her feel better to be at the church, praying for Luke and Holden, then that's what she should be doing -- where are you going?
>> Simon: Well, I'm gonna go and find Lily and talk some sense into her, aren't I?
>> Katie: Right, and when you're trying to talk sense into her, she's gonna have one question for you -- "have you found Damian?" And what are you gonna tell her?
>> Simon: No. No, I haven't. No, not -- but I'm getting some -- but I'm --
>> Katie: But what? Why bring her bad news? She's already freaked out enough that Dante told her she has one week to bring Damian to him. One week. Days have gone by. We've found nothing. We've looked and looked. You went to Sicily! This guy does not want to be found, all right? This is not a big island.
>> Simon: So what are you saying, Katie? What are you saying? We just give up?
>> Katie: No, of course we don't give up, but at least let her be in the church and have her hope.
>> Simon: But she's all by herself out there, though, you know?
>> Katie: I know. I understand that. But if you -- did you ever think that maybe she's staying away from us as a favor?
>> Simon: What do you mean?
>> Katie: So you and I can be alone, like a husband and wife should be. Lily's not the only one that needs you.
>> Simon: Well -- Katie, I'm -- look, I'm sorry, okay? I know you're feeling neglected. But, hey, think of all the benefits.
>> Katie: What benefits?
>> Simon: Well, look -- I'm like kind of an expert in marriage, right?
>> Katie: Yeah, five times over. You don't have to remind me.
>> Simon: Yeah, okay, but I've worked out that every relationship follows a kind of a pattern. It's pretty predictable. Okay, first, there's the attraction, all right? And then you go out, and then there's great sex.
>> Katie: Sounds good so far.
>> Simon: It is, and then you get married, and there's more great sex, and then it all becomes a bit too familiar, and then the fire goes out, and the thrill is gone, and the marriage is over.
>> Katie: So you're saying the longer we don't have sex, the longer our marriage will last?
>> Simon: Bingo! That's exactly it. Don't you get it?
>> Katie: Yeah, and it's the stupidest thing I've ever heard in my entire life!

Scene 3:
Scene: Lily Snyder's Room

SIMON FRASIER AND KATIE FRASIER AND INSPECTOR GUIDO

>> Katie: Okay, let me get this straight. You don't want to have sex with me because you're afraid it will ruin our marriage?
>> Simon: Well, we still have that precious element of mystery between us. Why risk losing it so soon?
>> Katie: Oh, Simon --
>> Simon: Oh, please, don't get upset.
>> Katie: Upset? Why would I be upset when I finally have proof that you really love me?
>> Simon: Wait! I didn't say I --
>> Katie: We fit together like we were made for each other, and that scares the hell out of you, which is exactly why you keep running after lily every time we are alone.
>> Simon: No, I'm trying to help Lily.
>> Katie: Yes, that's part of it, but the other part is that you know when we make love again, it'll be perfect, and you'll finally have to admit what you've been trying to deny ever since Halloween, that you love me! That's exactly what this is all about!
>> Simon: If you're -- wait, wait, wait. If you're suggesting that the only reason I came all the way here was because I tried to avoid consummating our marriage, then that is ridiculous.
>> Katie: So, you're not afraid of what'll happen when we make love again?
>> Simon: Afraid? No, no, why should I be afraid?
>> Katie: Okay, then prove it, big boy! Come on, I dare you.
[ Simon grabs Katie and pulls her down into his arms and kisses her ]
>> Simon: It is always going to be good for us, Katie, because I'm good.
>> Katie: We're good -- together.
>> Simon: That, too. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go.
>> Katie: Simon!
[ Katie sighs ] okay, you know he expects you to follow him, so you might as well just do it.

[Katie opens the door to Inspector Guido]
>> Guido: Greetings, Signora Frasier.
>> Katie: Um, do I know you?
>> Guido: Not yet, but you do not need to fear me. In fact, you can think of me as a Santa Claus. I come bearing gifts.

Scene 4:
Scene: Lily Snyder's Room

SIMON FRASIER AND KATIE FRASIER AND INSPECTOR GUIDO

>> Guido: Thank you for being so gracious. This should not take long.
>> Katie: Oh, it's fine. I have nothing better to do anyway.
>> Simon: What do you think you're doing?
>> Katie: Well, what difference does it make? You have damsels to rescue and dragons to slay.
>> Simon: Who is this, and why are you letting him into the room?
>> Guido: Allow me to introduce myself. Guido Boggia, Chief Inspector, Malta police.
>> Katie: And you have no need to worry, I already saw his badge. Now, can I get you a drink?
>> Simon: No one is getting anything until I see some identification. Thanks.
>> Katie: You see, you have nothing to worry about. Now, about that drink?
>> Guido: As tempted as I am, I assume we should get down to business.
>> Katie: Oh, yes -- the gifts! He has presents for me. Isn't that sweet?
>> Guido: In fact, I have one for each of you.
>> Simon: Plane tickets?
>> Guido: Paid in full.
>> Katie: Wow? Where are we supposed to be going?
>> Guido: Home, to America. Buon viaggio.

Scene 5:
Scene: Lily Snyder's Room

SIMON FRASIER AND KATIE FRASIER AND INSPECTOR GUIDO

>> Katie: Thank you so much for these tickets. They'll definitely come in handy when we're leaving.
>> Simon: Don't be so naive, Katie. I'm sure there are strings attached, right?
>> Katie: Are there?
>> Guido: Forgive me for asking you, Signora, but I noticed in your papers that your maiden name is Peretti. Are you Italian?
>> Katie: Yes, actually, half, on my father's side.
>> Guido: I knew it. Those eyes. If I were not married for 30 years and the father of six bambinos, I would be -- how do you say it? I would be putty in your hands.
>> Simon: Why don't you -- how do you say? Answer the question? Are there strings attached?
>> Guido: No, the tickets are yours, free and clear, but you must use them immediately if you want to call that the catch?
> Simon: Look, we came here to Malta to help a friend. We're not getting on any plane until I've talked to her.
>> Guido: An American friend?
>> Simon: You know exactly who I'm talking about.
>> Guido: I can only imagine that this is Signora Snyder, since this is her room.
>> Simon: Look, why don't you just drop the act and be straight with us?
>> Katie: Simon, there's no need to be rude. The man is just doing his job.
>> Simon: Oh, I have no doubt, but I'm not going anywhere until I find out what that job is. What's really going on, inspector?

Scene 6:
Scene: Lily Snyder's Room

SIMON FRASIER AND KATIE FRASIER AND INSPECTOR GUIDO

>> Guido: My officers are waiting outside to escort you and Signora Frasier to the airport.
>> Simon: Yeah, well, that's fine, because I'm only gonna come straight back.
>> Guido: You are so obstinate. Believe me that no one is going to hurt Signora Snyder.
>> Simon: I'd like to see you prove that.
>> Guido: Very well. This is a travel order requesting your departure. Look at the signature, if you will.
>> Katie: What's wrong? What is it?
>> Simon: This was supposedly signed by a Grimaldi, but it wasn't Dante. It was Damian.

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August, 2001