EPISODE 4/3/01
Katie Tries To Seduce Simon To Keep Him In Town

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April, 2001


APRIL 3, 2001

Scene 1:
Location: Burt's garage.
Scene: Apartment behind the garage.

MRS. KATIE PERETTI FRAISER ALONE.

>> Katie: (on the phone) Yes, that is what I'm trying to explain to you, Henry. Simon's gone. Gone, as in he went to work at Java Underground last night and he never came home. I need you to help me find a way to keep him here. Because -- oh, you wouldn't know love if it crawled between the sheets with you. Oh, another pregnancy -- that's brilliant, Henry. You are losing it. Your ideas are about as old and empty as your heart. Forget it. I'll just -- I'll find my own way to keep -

SIMON FRAISER AND MRS. KATIE PERETTI FRAISER

[Simon Fraiser enters the apartment.]
>> Katie: To keep that fresh. Yes, that's a great tip. Thank you, Margo. I'll talk to you later, okay? Bye. Simon, I was so worried. Are you okay? Where have you been?
>> Simon: I was beat after I finished my shift, so I crashed at the Java's back office.
>> Katie: Oh.
>> Simon: Sorry if you worried. All righty, I've gotta start packing.
>> Katie: Packing? As in "leaving town for good" packing?
>> Simon: You knew this was coming. There's no point delaying the
inevitable. Sooner or later, this had to end.
>> Katie: What about Isaac? Don't you still owe him?
>> Simon: I clocked enough hours last night to pay him back the last of the bail money, so there's nothing holding me here.
>> Katie: What about everything else? Um, Burt -- Burt -- you can't just walk out on this job and leave him without --
>> Simon: No, Burt will probably be glad to see the back of me. Anyway, it doesn't matter. He can't stop me, and neither can you. I'm out of this town for good.

Scene 2:
Location: Burt's garage.
Scene: Apartment behind the garage.

SIMON FRAISER AND MRS. KATIE PERETTI FRAISER

>> Katie: I don't understand. Why do you have to leave?
>> Simon: Come on, Katie. There's no reason for me to stay. There's nothing left for me here.
>> Katie: What about me, your wife?
>> Simon: I'm sure Burt will let you stay here until you find another place.
>> Katie: That's not what I'm talking about. How am I going to explain this to the I.N.S.?
>> Simon: Easy, uh, desertion, irreconcilable differences. A huge percent of marriages fail within the first year, you know? We were just victims of statistic.
>> Katie: No! This could have worked, you just never really gave it a shot!
>> Simon: Okay, well, we'll get an annulment. You know, your brother-in- law, he's a lawyer, isn't he? Get him to draw up the papers.
>> Katie: And then what? I don't even know where you're going!
>> Simon: I'll send you my address from wherever I land, you can forward me the papers there. Look, an annulment will give you a clean slate, Katie. You can start over. That's it.
>> Katie: Wait!
>> Simon: What?
>> Katie: I have to talk to you first!
>> Simon: I'm not going to do this again. I am not gonna stand here and listen to another chorus of "let's give it a chance," because I've had enough!
>> Katie: Oh, you are so full of yourself! That's not what I wanted to talk to you about.
>> Simon: All right. Well, the fact is, I've got nothing left to say. I messed up.
>> Katie: No, the fact is, I don't want you to say anything. I just want you to listen while I tell you about yourself.
>> Simon: All right, fine, go -- hit me. You got two minutes.
>> Katie: You know -- hmm, okay. Frankly, this dark, brooding, evasive behavior of yours is really boring. I mean, your attitude reeks. You're probably the most miserable person in the entire world. And now, you're gonna pack up all your toys and leave like you're the only guy who's ever had his heart stomped on? You know, to tell you the truth, you're gonna be miserable wherever you go, because you're gonna be carrying around that ten ton attitude of yours. You know, the way I see it, you pretty much survived your own castaway story, which is huge on its own. And then, without so much as a blink of an eye you started a new life, and you got a pretty decent job. And that would make most normal people jump for joy but not you. Oh, no, you're Mr. Depressive, always walking around moping about something. "Oh, poor me, I lost my big diamond." "Oh, poor me, I lost Lily Snyder." "Oh, poor me, I don't know how to get rid of Lucinda Walsh." You know, I doubt that you could actually survive 24 hours without being all mopey about anything. Is that a smile? A little itty-bitty smile, I wish I had a camera.
>> Simon: All right, okay, you made your point.
>> Katie: All I want to say to you before you walk out that door is the only time I've ever seen a smile on your face was when you were with me. Of course, it's usually because I did something stupid, but you have to admit, any fun you've had in the last few months, you have me to thank for. So go ahead, I'm waiting.

Scene 3:
Location: Burt's garage.
Scene: Apartment behind the garage.

SIMON FRAISER AND MRS. KATIE PERETTI FRAISER

>> Katie: Is it really that difficult to say one simple thank you? >> Simon: Whoa, talk about egos! What, you think you are solely and singly
responsible for putting fun into my life?
>> Katie: We did have some good times.
>> Simon: Oh, yeah, yeah, I forgot, you know? A quick marriage, a sham honeymoon, lying to me about being pregnant -- now, yeah, that was a barrel of laughs!
>> Katie: Okay, so my tactics were a little off. But I did it all for you.
>> Simon: Oh, it is amazing how you can turn the oldest trick in the book into a selfless act.
>> Katie: Were you or were you not about to run off again with Lily Snyder? I had to save you from yourself, Simon. Because, as it turned out, she didn't want you anyway.
>> Simon: Oh, well, thanks for pointing that out to me, again.
>> Katie: Admit it, if you just would have listened to me from the beginning, it would have saved you a lot of time and heartache.
>> Simon: Right, and then pretty soon we would have been burping some imaginary child. What a comfort.
>> Katie: See, that is it. That is exactly what I was talking about, Simon -- those throwaway insults, the cynicism. The fact that you can only concentrate on my insensitivity, or the mistakes that I've made, or the wrong that I've done you.
>> Simon: That is so not true. I have thanked you a hundred times for what you have risked in keeping me from being deported.
>> Katie: Oh, that is not all I'm talking about! What about all the dinners that I've cooked you? What about how I painted this place and fixed it up to make it feel like a home? Or the guitar that I bought you? Or maybe how I kept you from going to jail?
>> Simon: I didn't ask you to do any of that! I told you, Katie, I said, "Go live your life," all right? Stop acting like you owe me this blind loyalty. 'Cause I don't want it!
>> Katie: I accept the choices I made, Simon. I made this place livable because I wanted to, I stood by you because I wanted to.
>> Simon: So what?
>> Katie: "So"? I could have done all those things while i moaned and groaned about how miserable my life was, but I didn't. I took a less than perfect situation and made it livable, and I did it all with a cheerful attitude and a smile. You don't know what it felt like to try and keep my head up while you moped around about Lily Snyder, okay? It was sheer agony. Just go, okay? Just leave Oakdale and take your lousy attitude with you. I'm sure it will make the next town you live in seem a lot more like home. All right, that's all I wanted to say. I know you think I'm delusional about how things could have been, but I really don't care. Everybody else thinks I'm delusional, so why not you? Wow, I feel a lot better. I really didn't want you to leave town without getting that off my chest.
>> Simon: Look, you're right. You have put a few smiles on this face. Usually for the wrong reasons, you said, but -- all right, it's true, most of the fun I've had in Oakdale has been with you.
>> Katie: You mean it?
>> Simon: Yes. Don't let that turn into hope, all right? I mean, look around. We live next door to a garage. I have been stocking a bar, and you are a beautiful, intelligent woman who has been stuck here playing house. We both deserve so much better than that. And I'm not saying that to let you down easy, it's just -- it's just what I believe, all r and you have been a good friend. I mean it.
>> Katie: Thank you.
>> Simon: And you've made me angrier than anyone ever could -- ever!
>> Katie: Yeah, I guess the whole fake pregnancy thing wasn't the best idea in the world.
>> Simon: No, no, not your best. But, look, it wasn't 'cause of you that I lost Lily, all right? I realized that after the last time I spoke to her. I realized that if I'd left you to go to Canada with her it would only have been a matter of time before she ran back home whether you were in my life or not.
>> Katie: Okay, then let's make an agreement right here and now --
>> Simon: What?
>> Katie: Okay, I'll admit that I've been a little bit of a brat, if you admit that you've been a little bit of a downer. And we don't want to spend your last day in Oakdale fighting over who was more of a drag, or not.
>> Simon: No, no, I don't.
>> Katie: Okay, then don't. Why don't you and I spend the last few hours together and celebrate the times that weren't so bad.
>> Simon: All right, I guess I can do that, yeah.
>> Katie: Okay, no Lily, no I.N.S. Just you and me having a few laughs before you go off and break some other poor girl's heart.
>> Simon: All right. It's a deal. All right, I've got a little bit of time left, let's make the most of it. So I'll go get some stuff from the garage, have a shower. And in the meantime, whatever it is -- you work out what we're gonna do.
>> Katie: You know that's my specialty. Figuring out just the perfect thing to do.

Scene 4:
Location: Burt's garage.
Scene: Apartment behind the garage.

SIMON FRAISER AND MRS. KATIE PERETTI FRAISER

[Simon comes out the shower and finds the place filled with balloons]
[Balloon pops.]
>> Simon: Whoa!
[Katie gasps and coughs.]
>> Simon: What the -- are you all right?
>> Katie: Mm-hmm, you try blowing up this many balloons in the time it takes someone to take a shower.
>> Simon: Where did you find all these?
>> Katie: Remember those Valentine's Day balloons I got you which you ignored?
>> Simon: Katie --
>> Katie: Sorry, no bad reminders. I had a bunch left over and this helium thing, which has totally run out. So I started blowing them up myself. See, I told you I'd provide some fun.
>> Simon: What? Turning this place into a circus tent is what? Your idea of fun?
>> Katie: Oh, you have become such a wet blanket since you moved to this town. You have to release your inner child, frown clown.
[Simon and Katie start hitting each other with balloons]
>> Simon: What? What?
>> Katie: Frown clown.
>> Simon: Oh, that's real good, Miss Bubble Brain.
>> Katie: Koala boy!
>> Simon: Now that's original. "Koala boy," that's real good. You want a war?
>> Katie: Yeah, come on.
>> Simon: Yeah, fine, you've got it.
[Katie grabs Simon's towel]
[Katie screams.]
>> Simon: You've got a war.
>> Katie: Come on.
[Laughter]
>> Katie: Okay.

Scene 5:
Location: Burt's garage.
Scene: Apartment behind the garage.

SIMON FRAISER AND MRS. KATIE PERETTI FRAISER

>> Simon: So what do we do now that you've released my inner child?
>> Katie: I don't know. I didn't really think that far ahead.
>> Simon: Katie --
>> Katie: What?
>> Simon: I'm still leaving town.
>> Katie: I know.
>> Simon: I'm not coming back.
>> Katie: You don't have to.
>> Simon: So I can't think about what happens to you after this.
>> Katie: I don't care, Simon. I don't care.
>> Simon: Good.

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April, 2001