EPISODE 4/18/02
Simon Talks To Lucinda

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April, 2002


THURSDAY, April 18, 2002

Scene 1:
Location: The Cottage

SIMON FRASIER, LUCINDA WALSH

>> Simon: Lucinda, hi. Thank you. Thank you for coming by so fast. Come in.
>> Lucinda: Well, this is a little cramped for a 2-car garage, but much cozier than a carport. Where's the cottage?
>> Simon: You're standing in it.
>> Lucinda: Oh.
>> Simon: Yes.
>> Lucinda: This is the cottage. It's very, very nice. And, oh -- and this. Was it left furnished or something?
>> Simon: The sofa? No, no, the sofa was free. It was free.
>> Lucinda: Honey, you was robbed.
>> Simon: Look, sit, please. Can I get you anything?
>> Lucinda: No.
>> Simon: Something?
>> Lucinda: Darling, just jump into it. Jump into it. What was it? Why are you so desperate that you need my help?
>> Simon: All right. I need a no-nonsense, shrewd strategist. And since Colin Powell's kinda busy right now, I prefer the next best thing.
>> Lucinda: Oh, flatterer. Go on.

Scene 2:
Location: The Cottage

SIMON FRASIER, LUCINDA WALSH

>> Simon: Please, sit. I promise, it's glue-free.
>> Lucinda: Okay, Simon Frasier, what seems to be the problem?
>> Simon: All right, I'm being framed for something I didn't do.
>> Lucinda: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. I doe how my strategic mind can be of any help to you. What have you done?
>> Simon: Nothing. Nothing. I promise I haven't done anything. You have my word on this.
>> Lucinda: Yeah.
>> Simon: All right, look. I can say a lot of things about myself as a person, but there's one thing I am definitely not. That's a murderer.
>> Lucinda: I'm happy to hear that.
>> Simon: You know about this video that Katie's made?
>> Lucinda: The "butt-buster" thing.
>> Simon: Yeah.
>> Lucinda: Lucy told me.
>> Simon: All right, then you must've heard about her business partner, Dahlia Ventura?
>> Lucinda: Well, the name, I guess.
>> Simon: Dahlia is out to settle an old score. I was once married to Dahlia's sister, Monique. This is going back years ago, all right? Now Monique dies in a horrible accident. But that's all it was, okay, an accident.
>> Lucinda: And Dahlia Ventura thinks that you murdered her sister?
>> Simon: Yes, but I never, ever touched Monique. And I never touched Dahlia. And now Dahlia's gone missing. And all these clues keep popping up -- clues which are pointing to me as Dahlia's killer.
>> Lucinda: Go on. Go on. Go on.
>> Simon: All right. The night of Katie's video premiere party, Dahlia gets up to make this speech about how great their partnership is. But the thing is, it's the same toast that I made to Monique the day that we were married. I had a meltdown, and unfortunately, there was a lot of cameras there to catch it.
>> Lucinda: Oh, darling, you played right into her hands.
>> Simon: I know. Anyway, after the party, Dahlia goes missing. There's blood in her abandoned car. There's news clippings about Monique's death. And somehow, Dahlia manages to plant her car keys amongst my stuff. Now, I know should've taken them to the police straight away, but I convinced Katie that we should hide them.
>> Lucinda: Big mistake.
>> Simon: I know. I know. I thought this was something I could solve by myself. I didn't want to involve the cops.
>> Lucinda: It just makes you look all the guiltier. Well, this Dahlia seems to have covered all her bases. Hmm? She turned simple Simon into Simon Frasier, prime suspect number one.
>> Simon: I know why I'm the police prime suspect. The thing that just kills me is that Katie's really starting to suspect me herself.

Scene 3:
Location: The Cottage

SIMON FRASIER, LUCINDA WALSH

>> Lucinda: Katie, who would defend you to her last breath? Katie, who married you on faith and -- chipping away at her confidence in you?
>> Simon: Look, Katie's trying to convince herself so much that Dahlia's still alive, and this is all a set-up, but -- >> Lucinda: Well, then clearly -- darling, clearly this was all part of Dahlia's plan. I'm sorry. It's very dusty in here. Do you mind? Do you have anything? Do you have any bottled water? Do you have --
>> Simon: No, nothing fresh.
>> Lucinda: Okay.
>> Simon: Oh, wait, wait, wait. Here we are. Vintage, very fine.
>> Lucinda: Okay. What is this is? One of these butt-buster drinks, right?
>> Simon: Butt-busting is what it does after you digest it. But really -- it's really not bad.
[ Laughter ]
>> Lucinda: Darling, you know I've been watching you. I have a confession to make.
>> Simon: Really?
>> Lucinda: Yes.
>> Simon: Ever since that kiss, you just can't get me off your mind, can you?
>> Lucinda: Never ever can. No, I -- watching you right from the beginning, right from the start, when you were involved with Lily, and I had no reason to trust you. I didn't know what you were doing. And then, of course -- then, of course, comes Malta. And you helped me bring my family back. And, indeed, you put yourself in the line of fire to do it, without hesitation and without fear.
>> Simon: Lucinda, please, this is starting to sound like you're almost praising me.
>> Lucinda: A wise man would keep that to himself. Are you ready, darling? Are you ready for my off the top of my head advice? >> Simon: Absolutely. Please, that's why -- shoot.
>> Lucinda: I think it's time for you to get your hands dirty.
>> Simon: Lucinda --
>> Lucinda: Very dirty.
>> Simon: -- I cannot afford to make any more mistakes.
>> Lucinda: Well, darling, you can't afford to let Dahlia have her way.

Scene 4:
Location: The Cottage

SIMON FRASIER, LUCINDA WALSH

>> Lucinda: Simon?
>> Simon: Yes.
>> Lucinda: You know, as a guy who spent most of his life as con man, you more than anyone should be able to analyze a scam.
>> Simon: Yeah, well, small town life has made me kinda rusty.
>> Lucinda: However, what Dahlia's up to, seems to me, far more deadly than anything that you've been involved in the past. She's not interested in blackmail. She doesn't want the money back from --
>> Simon: No.
>> Lucinda: -- Monique. So she doesn't want a payoff. What she wants is your life and your happiness. You gotta be ruthless.
>> Simon: There's one thing, Lucinda. One problem. She's disappeared.
>> Lucinda: Darling, you international adventurer types, don't you have special techniques for sniffing out the enemy?
>> Simon: I don't have any enemies anymore. Well, not who would recognize me anyway.
>> Lucinda: Okay. Let's approach this thing from another angle. In your youth -- your misspent youth -- how did you go about it? How did you win the women's hearts whose wallets you coveted?
>> Simon: Oh, trade secrets. All right, all right. There was always one simple rule. Always give her what she wants. But, then -- no. No, that's crazy. I can't give Dahlia what she wants, can I?
>> Lucinda: Well, that all depends. What are you contemplating?
>> Simon: Well, if Dahlia's so convinced that I'm a lady killer, maybe that's exactly what I should be.
>> Lucinda: Kill Dahlia?
>> Simon: No, no. I'm not talking about Dahlia.
>> Lucinda: You are very brilliant.
>> Simon: No, I owe it all to you. You led me all down this path.
>> Lucinda: No, no, no. You stumbled on the best way for you to save yourself.
>> Simon: It's the only way. I have to murder my wife.

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April, 2002