EPISODE 4/18/01
Katie Attacks Ruby

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April, 2001


WEDNESDAY, APRIL 18, 2001

Scene 1:
[Yo's]
>> Katie: Why are you with this tramp?
>> Simon: Katie, not now.
>> Katie: Look, I don't care who you think you are, but if you don't s op pawing my husband, I'm going to introduce you to my fist.
>> Ruby: Your husband?
>> Simon: Look, I wish I could say that she's never like this, but believe it or not, she's usually a lot worse.
>> Katie: Why are you apologizing for me? - this is not the first time I've seen that crawling all over anything in pants.
>> Ruby: I'm popular, what can I say?
>> Simon: Yeah, I can see why. Hey -- what?!
>> Katie: You want to tell me what the hell is going on here?!
>> Simon: Go home, now!
>> Katie: We need to talk.
>> Simon: Oh, oh, those hideous, hideous words. Yeah, I'll be right there, sweetheart.
>> Ruby: Oh, that's right! You're the aunt who barged in and practically car-jacked a good friend of mine.
>> Katie: Good friend? Please, in your twisted dreams.
>> Ruby: So this is the pigeon you've been plucking?
>> Katie: Pigeon?
>> Simon: Yes, yeah, fly along now. We're busy.
>> Ruby: That's right, little pigeon, we are.
>> Katie: Are you gonna let her talk to me like that, Simon? Come on, let's go home now.
>> Simon: What's "home"? All right? Everything's out in the open now. You know this marriage is a joke!
>> Ruby: She doesn't seem to be laughing, Simon.
>> Simon: Then I guess we're just gonna have to ignore her.
>> Katie: Let's go, Simon!
>> Simon: No, Katie, you go now -- if you know what's good for you.
>> Katie: Are you insane? If you think I'm gonna leave you alone with this walking "G"-spot, you've got another think coming.
>> Simon: Welcome to my nightmare, Ruby. Being dressed-down in a bar by my shrewish wife.
>> Katie: You said you were working tonight.
>> Simon: Well, yeah, "all work and no play --"
>> Katie: Why are you saying all of this? You don't mean it.
>> Simon: Do you want me to draw you a diagram? How much clearer do you want me to make this for you?
>> Katie: You lied to me.
>> Simon: We have been lying from the beginning. How many times have we had this argument? What, a few dozen times? Oh, yeah, I forget, my wife likes to have the same argument over and over to keep the excitement in the marriage.
>> Katie: Stop talking to her!
>> Simon: You are not the only woman in the world and you're certainly not the only woman in my life!
>> Katie: You don't mean that.
>> Simon: Look, you know I've been married several times, okay? So why should it surprise you that I'm engaged for the evening?
>> Ruby: Yeah, he's mine now, little girl. Go find a doll to play with.
>> Katie: "Little girl"?
>> Ruby: Trust me, it's a lot nicer than the other names I'd like to call you.
>> Katie: I'll show you -- come on, let's go!
>> Simon: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
>> Katie: Come on!

Scene 2:
[ Yo's ]
>> Simon: Katie, Katie -- Ruby, just put the sticks before somebody gets hurt, okay?
>> Katie: That's the whole idea!
>> Ruby: Step aside, Simon! I would hate to get her blood all over that nice shirt you have on!
>> Katie: Oh, come on! Try me!
>> Ruby: They call it squab, right? Roasted baby pigeon?
>> Katie: It's better than dried-up, worn-out vulture any day!
>> Simon: Hey, knock it off now! Knock it off!
>> Ruby: All right. Come a little closer, Katie. Come a little closer. Don't be afraid now.
>> Katie: Afraid of you? Please.
[ Screaming ]
>> Katie: Let me go! Let me go!
>>Simon: Relax.
>> Katie: Simon!
>> Bartender: Okay, fight's over. Ladies, and I use that term loosely, if you wanna bash in each other's hairdo's, I suggest you do it like everybody else. Take it outside.
>> Simon: It's fine. It's fine. Everything's under control. We're just leaving. We're leaving.
>> Bartender: I was just gonna suggest that.
>> Katie: Okay, fine. Fine, Simon -- fine! Let's go home! Are we going to our place or that one's?
>> Ruby: Do you really need to ask? Grow up, little girl. It's not my fault if you can't hold onto your man, okay?
>> Simon: Katie, stop it, stop it. All right. Can I meet you outside, please, after I handle this? Can I?
>> Katie: Let me go! Get back here! Get back here!
>> Simon: Stop it! Stop it! Will you just relax, please? Relax for one minute.
>> Katie: "Relax"? You're telling me to relax when you completely lied to me about what you were doing.
>> Simon: I did not. You know I didn't! I was looking for ruby because your brother asked me to do it. This was just an assignment.
>> Katie: Yeah, looking for ruby is one thing, it's what you did when you found her that really bothers me.
>> Simon: You have no right to be bothered, okay? Look, Craig hired me to do a job, and I was doing it the way that I saw best. And you almost blew the entire thing!
>> Katie: Okay, just let me get this straight. Craig paid you to get biblical with that same piece of bar trash that's been getting on his own son?
>> Simon: Look, it's complicated.
>> Katie: I've got time.
>> Simon: I don't.
>> Katie: You're gonna make time or I'm gonna make your life miserable.
>> Simon: Look, if you would've seen Ruby in action, an intelligent woman like you would know that I'm only speaking Ruby's language.
>> Katie: Yeah, with your tongue in her ear?!
>> Simon: Oh, come on! I wasn't! If you have a problem with this, then you have to take it up with your brother.
>> Katie: Yeah, maybe I will.
>> Simon: Good. Fine, knock yourself out. I gotta go. Ruby's not gonna wait forever.
>> Katie: I would.
>> Simon: Ugh -- Katie, please, will you just go home, back to Craig's suite, and we'll talk about this later.
>> Katie: How much later?
>> Simon: When I'm done.
>> Katie: And when will that be?
>> Simon: What, do you want to synchronize our watches?
>> Katie: I want to kill her! And that stupid walk of hers -- could he be a little more obvious ?
>> Simon: I have to go.
>> Katie: And how far are you gonna go, Simon?
>> Simon: As far as I have to. Please, will you just go home? And don't get into any more trouble.
>> Ruby: I was beginning to wonder if you'd come.
>> Simon: No, you weren't.
>> Ruby: How's the little wife?
>> Simon: She'll survive. She'll find someplace fully-feathered and be well taken care of. The most important thing is, what about you?
>> Ruby: What about me? What?
>> Simon: Well, she comes from a large family, but you have only a father. I get the feeling that he doesn't take care of you. I bet you have to take care of him.
>> Ruby: Are you really worried about me? You're too sweet.
>> Simon: You don't know the half of it. So does your father know where you are tonight? Out drinking and dancing with a perfect stranger?
>> Ruby: You're not so strange. In fact, I wonder if we knew each other in a different life.
>> Simon: Now who's conning who?
>> Ruby: No, I mean it! Do you believe in fate ?
>> Simon: I could be persuaded.
>> Ruby: We have so much in common. We're both from different countries, seeking a little piece of the American dream, and we're both taking the same family for a ride.
>> Simon: Ruby, ruby, you're too good to be true. So why don't we go somewhere private and you can tell me all about it.
[ Ruby laughs ]
>> Katie: Hey. Anybody up for a game of nine ball? Rack 'em up, boys.

Scene 3:
[ Craig's Suite ]
>> Katie: Ah-ah-ah! Slow down, Romeo. How 'bout a little something to wet your whistle? Here you go. Bottoms up. Hey, none of this equals none of this. Know what I'm saying? There you go. Swish around and rinse -- nice. All right. Okay, just play along, and no getting fresh. I am a married woman.
>> Simon: Katie!
>> Katie: Oh, Simon.
>> Simon: You want to tell me what's going on?
>> Katie: I didn't know you'd be home so early.
>> Drunk: Dude!
>> Simon: Yeah, dude! Party on. What is this? A six-pack of beer, a broken heart and a drunken stranger -- what, are you moving on to hubby number two?
>> Katie: That's all you have to say?
>> Simon: Yeah, well, I see you've met a nice new friend here. But you shouldn't play with strangers when you don't know what you're looking for.
>> Katie: I know exactly what I'm looking for. A man who will understand me.
>> Simon: Well, that's great because I think you found the right guy right here.
>> Katie: I certainly did.
>> Simon: Yeah, 'cause you know who this guy is? This guy is the champ of Yo's kamikaze contest.
>> Drunk: Yeah!
>> Simon: He was already out of his tree when you walked in there tonight. Now, look -- I don't know what you expected to get out of him, but whatever it was, trust me, he wasn't up to it.
>> Katie: He is not drunk! He's exhausted! Tell him. Tell my husband what an incredible night we had tonight.

Scene 4:
[ Craig's Suite ]
>> Simon: All right, dude. C'mon, buddy. All right, alone in there?
>> Drunk: Huh?
>> Simon: Yeah, well, at least he's still alive. That's good.
>> Katie: Well, I guess I wore the poor boy out. Sometimes I don't know my own strength.
>> Simon: Yeah, right.
[ Simon straining ] all right, up ya go. Come on!
[ Simon grunts ] are you ready to say sayonara to the kamikaze champ? or wait a sec, wait a sec -- maybe you two lovebirds should have a couple minutes alone.
>> Katie: Oh, that's funny. Bye, Dave.
>> Simon: Well, I thought his name was Scott. All right, ya think you can make it to the elevator by yourself, huh? There we go. All right, there ya go. That's the way. Down there, turn left -- now the other left. Just stay on your --
[ Drunk vomiting ] well, that's disgusting. And housekeeping's gonna have to clean that up tomorrow. So what was that supposed to be, huh? My competition?
>>Katie: Well, my dear, that is what happens when you leave your wife alone in a bar!
>> Simon: Couldn't keep your hands to yourself, could you?
>> Katie: You know what I mean.
>> Simon: Not even fifty percent of the time. All right, you want to tell me what he was doing here?
>> Katie: Yeah, I brought him p here to teach you a lesson!
>> Simon: To teach me -- a lesson? All right, okay, then just for future reference, bringing home a vodka-soaked loser who's too pooped to pop, that's not competition. that's an insult.
>> Katie: It was Yo's in the middle of the night, not cocktail hour with a bunch of ivy league graduates!
>> Simon: Do you realize how lucky you are that he was just too far gone to see a foot in front of himself?
Do you realize? Do you, the trouble that you could've got yourself into?
>> Katie: Poor baby pigeon. Can't fend for herself, got kicked out of the nest.
>> Simon: Listen, listen, I had to say -- I had to say all that stuff earlier, all right? You know I didn't mean it.
>> Katie: Yeah, right. Just work, huh?
>> Simon: Yes, it was just work. All right? And I can't always be around to see that your feelings don't get hurt or to see that you don't get into trouble.
>> Katie: Like you care.
>> Simon: I care. Sorry, but yes, I care. I care. I think you're a great girl.
>> Katie: Yeah!
>> Simon: And I don't want to see your feelings get hurt.
>> Katie: You could've fooled me. The way you treated me at Yo's, the things that you said -- you hurt me plenty, all by yourself.
>>Simon: Look, why does everything have to be turned into an opera with you of some tragic and epic proportions?
>> Katie: I just want to know the truth about ruby!
>> Simon: It was a job! Nothing more!
>> Katie: Wow, what a lousy job. Having to kick back cold ones with Miss [ imitating Ruby ] don't hate me because I'm beautiful.
>> Simon: Look, I was helping Craig, all right? And in return, we got out of the garage and into this, remember? cleaner, softer, something more stylish.
>> Katie: I gave you "cleaner, softer, more stylish," and what do you do? You lie to me for some cheap, easy import.
>> Simon: I hate when you do this!
>> Katie: Do what?!
>> Simon: This! You get an idea in your head and you cling to it, whether it's based in reality or not. Now that's all very, very sweet and cute when it's some noble, new adventure. But this jealousy thing --
>> Katie: I am not jealous!
>> Simon: Good! I'm going to bed.
>> Katie: No, you're not. You are not going anywhere until you tell me what is this deal with ruby. What kind of business is this?
>> Simon: Ask your brother.
>> Katie: No, I'm asking my husband. And I think it's a wife's right to know. How far did things go tonight?

Scene 5:
[ Craig's Suite ]
>> Katie: So, you're not gonna tell me what you and your [ imitating ruby ] hot and spicy friend were doing for the past over an hour?
>> Simon: You're catching on.
>> Katie: Or where you were?
>> Simon: Right again.
>> Katie: Come on, that's not fair. I told you.
>> Simon: It's not the same thing.
>> Katie: Oh, right, I know. You get to keep your secrets, and I get left in the dark.
>> Simon: Give it a rest! All right? Just enough of this jealous wife routine.
>> Katie: I was only asking.
>> Simon: You're always only asking things that you don't have a right to know!
>> Katie: Just because you don't have a right to know something doesn't make you want it any less.
>> Simon: You know well and truly the situation with us. This is a temporary arrangement.
>> Katie: Yes, I know -- a marriage in name only. You don't have to explain anything to me. No promises were made.
>> Simon: Good. At least we're on the same page.
>> Katie: But you were the only guy I have ever been with. And as far as I know, I am your last. So even though we're not sleeping together, we are sleeping together, and sometimes that makes it a lot more tense. And at the very least, we are friends, right? Even though a certain friend tends to embarrass the other friend in a public place by telling humiliating lies. we are friends and when we're together alone, can't we just be honest with each other?
>> Simon: I did what I had to do to get the information for Craig.
>> Katie: Yes, I know that. All I need to know is did you -- ? You know --
>> Simon: What?
>> Katie: You know --
>> Simon: No. No, I didn't.
>> Katie: Thank you. Thank you.
>> Simon: You're welcome -- I think.
>> Katie: Craig, you are a dead man.


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April, 2001