EPISODE 4/17/02
More Evidence Against Simon

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Simonscript
April, 2002


WEDNESDAY, April 17, 2002

Scene 1:
Location: The Cottage

SIMON FRASIER, KATIE FRASIER

>> Simon: That one there? It goes back and forth, all right when we get it in the middle -- right there, right there, right there -- that means the house ain't gonna fall down.
>> Katie: Unless, of course, the only thing holding it up is the mortgage.
>> Simon: Okay. Here, here. You continue to play with this. Try and get that bubble in the middle. I'm sure you can do it.
>> Katie: All right, the coast is clear. Nobody followed us.
>> Simon: Katie, this is crazy. I've got Dahlia trying to frame me for a crime I didn't commit, and then I go and commit one!
>> Katie: What crime? Parker and I are practically related.
>> Simon: Oh, yeah, yeah? How?
>> Katie: Well, if Craig marries Carly --
>> Simon: Kidnapping, Katie. Kidnapping.
>> Katie: Okay, okay, okay. Margo is my half-sister, and she happened to once be married to Hal, who is his father. No, see? It's fine. She would never arrest me for something like this, particularly when she sees how cute you guys are together. Oh, I just don't wanna think. You and this house and this little one in your lap -- and he doesn't have to be a boy. It could be a girl. You'd love a girl just as much, right? [ Katie sighs ] it just all seems so perfect. It's what I've always wanted.
>> Simon: And I will give you everything you want. In time, we will work it out. Just give us some time to work out.
>> Katie: [ pulls out Dahlia's watch and shows it to Simon ] Not if I keep finding things like this, we won't.
[ Simon whistles ]
>> Simon: Nice watch.
>> Katie: It's Dahlia's. She was wearing it the night she disappeared.
>> Simon: Well, I see you wiped all the blood off it.
>> Katie: What blood?
>> Simon: Well, wasn't it lying in a pool of by the wood chipper?
>> Katie: Do we even have a wood chipper?
>> Simon: No. No, we don't. And even if we did, I wouldn't puree your producer. I wouldn't puree anyone. So where'd you find it?
>> Katie: Uh -- on the floor.
>> Simon: And why didn't you tell me about it?
>> Katie: I wanted to, but then Margo called --
>> Simon: And then you couldn't face me, and so you hid out at your brother's.
>> Katie: No, Snickers had to be fed --
>> Simon: God.
>> Katie: All right, fine. Yeah, I -- I hid out.
>> Simon: Katie, this is exactly what I'm saying. Dahlia wants you to believe that I killed her. That's why the car, that's why the bloodstains, that's why the car keys, the watch! It's a campaign to make it look as though a crime was committed and that I committed it, all right? And you've gotta ask yourself, all right, if I did kill Dahlia, why would I keep her car keys, huh? Why would I keep her watch? Why would I leave the car ditched near our house? I mean, I'm pretty thick, but that doesn't make sense!
>> Katie: Okay, you think that I don't see this. I see it. It's just -- oh, I don't know.
>> Simon: I didn't kill Monique. Katie, I did not kill Dahlia. But if you do not believe me, then you know, I don't know what we're doing here.

Scene 2:
Location: The Cottage

SIMON FRASIER, KATIE FRASIER

>> Katie: [ to Parker ]You just sit here and keep putting that one in the middle, okay? He loves that level.
>> Simon: He's a boy.
>> Katie: Okay, honey -- it's not that I don't believe you. All right? It's just -- okay, do I think that you took Dahlia into the woods and murdered her? And then came back here and sprinkled her stuff everywhere? No. It's obviously Dahlia, trying to break us up and get you arrested. And she's had it out for me from day one. So -- you know what? The joke's on her. The video's doing just great.
>> Simon: So if you realize all that, why did you hide out at Craig's?
>> Katie: All right. Okay, just imagine that someone comes to you, and they tell you that I am the kind of girl who -- I don't know, something bad. Steals canes from old people. What would you say?
>> Simon: I can't' believe it.
>> Katie: Come on, I'm being serious.
>> Simon: I would say Katie's not that kinda girl.
>> Katie: Exactly. Then all of a sudden, one day you go out to the car, and you find one under the seat. And then there's one under the bed. And another one, out of the blue. And then the police come to me, asking me questions. And all I can say is, "canes? What canes? The AARP must be conspiring against me."
>> Simon: Wait, wait. Who's the AARP?
>> Katie: The American Association of Retired People. I did a thing on them at W.O.A.K. It's nothing to worry about. You don't wanna mess with them.
>> Simon: Okay, are you asking if I would believe you?
>> Katie: Of course you would believe me.
>> Simon: Yes.
>> Katie: But think about this -- wouldn't it be a little unnerving if, all of a sudden, canes were flying at you from everywhere? You found one in the shower. And then one in the refrigerator. And then all of a sudden, you just started finding them in the tiniest, weirdest little places. And then it gets worse. Walkers. Wheelchairs. Prosthetic legs are flying at you. What then?
>> Simon: Fake arms? Fake arms.
>> Katie: Come on. I'm trying to make a point here.
>> Simon: All right. At the first sign of the first fake leg, I would divorce you, and I would get custody of Snickers.
>> Katie: I rest my case.
>> Simon: All right, then promise me this. Please -- [ groans ] next time you find a fake leg, tell me.
>> Katie: Okay.
>> Simon: Good. Hey, Parker! Come here, big fella. Feel like a pretzel? Huh? Do you feel like a pretzel? No, you feel like a Parker. He feels like a Parker. And what's that? Sure she isn't a dog?
[ Barking ]
>> Katie: Um, Simon -- there was actually something else I forgot to show you. Well, I just didn't show 'cause I was kinda freaked out. It's from Crimson Dahlia Productions. Arrived yesterday. My first check. My first share of the profits.
>> Simon: Wow. Whoa.
>> Katie: Actually, I thought for a while that Dahlia had been trying to cheat me. And that's why she made it look like you tried to murder her, so that I would be worried about that and not checking the numbers. But what she doesn't know is that I always check the numbers. So she didn't win. It wasn't true. But she did make me a very rich woman.
>> Simon: Wow, that video must be selling really well.
>> Katie: Yeah, people seem to like it.
>> Simon: Congratulations.
>> Katie: Thanks. It's just unfair because I should be so happy right now. And I am happy. I'm happy about you and me and about this house. And about the fact that we have enough money to fix it up. It's just this Dahlia thing really gets to me. I don't know why. She just knows how to push my buttons. And I can't stop it.
>> Simon: Maybe we gotta start pushing back.
>> Katie: How?
>> Simon: First, we've gotta get some help.
>> Katie: What is that?
>> Simon: Ah, man. It's the cops. They're coming around from the highway.
>> Katie: Oh, no. Here, Parker, honey, you come with me. We'll go out the back road.
>> Simon: Wait, you cannot go. They're just gonna follow you, Katie.
>> Katie: That's okay. You will keep them here. Just -- just -- just distract them for a minute. Come on. Hey, we're going in the car.
>> Simon: Kate -- Kate -- Kate!
>> Katie: I love you!

Scene 3:
Location: The Cottage

SIMON FRASIER, POLICEMEN

>> Simon: [ making nervous chit chat while the police search the cottage ] Loose floorboards. Old house. Hey, but what you gonna do? We love the place. Did you find anything? Hey, did I tell you my wife was an aerobics instructor? She teaches aerobics down at the gym. Aerobics, hey? You know, bunch of guys, twits, running around in their underwear. But it sells. Have a copy. We've got thousands.
>> Cop #2: Was Parker Munson here today with Mrs. Frasier?
>> Simon: A kid at a construction site? Are you nuts?! The ceiling's already fallen down twice! You know, I was gonna brace it -- I don't know -- with a 3 x 1, but I'm not even sure whether that's gonna hold. You know, we can't even get insurance on this place. You don't know anyone that I can call about --
>> Cop #3: When you see your wife, ask her to call her sister down at the station.
>> Simon: Absolutely. Will do. Guys be careful of that door on the way out. It's loose on those hinges. Take it easy. [ takes out his cell phone and makes a call ] Yeah, it's Simon. Katie's gone, can you come over?

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April, 2002