EPISODE 4/17/01
Simon Meets Ruby At Yo's

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Simonscript
April, 2001


TUESDAY, APRIL 17, 2001

Scene 1:
[ Yo's ]
>> Ruby: What else do you see?
>> Simon: I see a woman who doesn't want to be alone tonight. That's all right. Keep the change, mate.
>> Bartender: Nah, you keep it. You're gonna need it, if you plan on scoring that bracelet she was hustling.
>> Simon: Ooh, did you break his heart?
>> Ruby: Forget about him.
>> Simon: But you were working him so beautifully.
>> Ruby: Working him? What do you mean?
>> Simon: It's all right. I'm not gonna say anything.
>> Ruby: Who are you?
>> Simon: I'm someone who believes in free enterprise. You've got to earn a living, right?
>> Ruby: You a cop?
>> Simon: I'm someone who knows a lot about diamonds, even diamonds in the rough. So, you want another drink?
>> Ruby: I want you to tell me who sent you here.
>> Simon: Whoa, no, no, you got me all wrong. Nobody sent me.
>> Ruby: You look kind of familiar.
>> Simon: Really? I don't know why. I mean, I used to work at the java underground, but I quit. The tips were bad and e pay's even worse. Besides, I don't like working. It just takes too long to get rich.
>> Ruby: You're from Australia, right?
>> Simon: Mm-hmm. And you're from South America. I'm guessing Brazil, because they have the most unbelievably beautiful women I have ever seen. Plus, you have that Portuguese lilt in your voice.
>> Ruby: Do you speak Portuguese?
>> Simon: Not a word.
>> Ruby: That's okay. I've been gone so long, I hardly remember it. So, have you ever been there?
>> Simon: Once. I wanted to see the rain forest before they completely disappear.
>> Ruby: Yeah. One day I want to go back to Brazil.
>> Simon: I don't blame you, it's an amazing place. So why did you come here?
>> Ruby: Why did you come here?
>>Simon: To travel, to look around, mainly to see the architecture. I mean, here they have everything from anasazi rock houses to Frank Lloyd Wright.
>> Ruby: Oh, you're an architect?
>> Simon: Well, I have a degree from the university of Melbourne.
>> Ruby: A degree, wow. Did you ever use it?
>> Simon: Well, I don't need a degree to know that you are more impressive than any architecture I have ever seen.
>> Ruby: Well, there's nothing architectural about me. I'm a natural wonder, like the rain forest.
>> Simon: Yes, you are, and I love nature. I was going to get enough money, and then I'm gonna go back to Australia and run buck naked in the wild.
>> Ruby: Sounds good to me.
>> Simon: So how about that drink?
>> Ruby: Sure. I really shouldn't, but --
>> Simon: Why shouldn't you?
>> Ruby: Well, liquor makes me careless.
>> Simon: And you don't want to lose that very, very valuable bracelet.
>> Ruby: Look, if you've got something to say, why don't you just say it.
>> Simon: It's all right, don't take offense. You know, I've had to do a lot of things in my life just to survive. I mean, just recently, my family lost its entire fortune. And trust me, I hate the nine-to-five drudgery.
>> Ruby: Me, too.
>> Simon: And if you have to peddle trick bracelets to make some pocket change, so be it.
>> Ruby: It doesn't turn you off?
>> Simon: No, not at all. If I hadn't known the bracelet was fake, I probably would have bought it myself, just because you were selling it. And then, I would probably serenaded you with my guitar.
>> Ruby: Wait a minute. Now, I remember. I have seen you before.

Scene 2:
[ Yo's ]
>> Simon: I've never seen you before, 'cause believe me, I would have remembered.
>> Ruby: You were pretty preoccupied when I first saw you.
>> Simon: I must have been. It's not like you don't completely stand out in this town. So tell me, was I blindfolded, drunk, completely insane?
>> Ruby: Your eyes were closed, as a matter of fact. I thought you were so handsome, but you looked really sad.
>> Simon: So where was I?
>> Ruby: At java underground, playing your guitar. The guy I was with said that his aunt had just given you the shaft.
>>Ruby: Yeah, Lily.
>> Ruby: Lily. That's right. I guess even heartbreakers like you get his heart broken sometimes, huh?
>> Simon: Is that what you think happened, or are you speaking from personal experience?
>> Ruby: So did you give Lily that line about having great architecture?
>> Simon: Looking at you now, it's hard to remember, but yeah, I probably did.
>> Ruby: At least you're honest.
>> Simon: No, I'm not. Most of the time, I'm so superficial I don't know who I am or who I've fallen in love with. When I saw you scamming that bracelet, I knew we were one of a kind.
>> Ruby: What do you mean?
>> Simon: Well, I do a lot of things to get along. Quite a few scams myself.
>> Ruby: Do you have a specialty?
>> Simon: My specialty -- hmm. My specialty would be women. I make them weak.
>> Ruby: Mmm, and then what?
>> Simon: I take everything they've got.
>> Ruby: Including their hearts, I'll bet.
>> Simon: That's the first thing I take.
>> Ruby: So what about Lily? Was she a mark, or was she the one that got away?
>> Simon: Well, that was one that just didn't work out. You know, so I cut my losses and moved on.
>> Ruby: You have another mark lined up?
>> Simon: Oh, yeah. I've got one well and truly in my sights.
>> Ruby: You're a busy boy.
>> Simon: That's why I need tonight off. That's why I'm so glad I met you. Who knows, maybe we can teach each other a few new tricks.
>> Ruby: Tricks of the trade?
>> Simon: Whatever.

Scene 3:
[ Yo's ]
>> Simon: I've trolled for women all over the world. Anywhere from California to the Costa Brava, from the wilds of Canada to the Riviera, anywhere where rich divorcees congregate.
>> Ruby: There must be a feeding frenzy when they see you, huh?
>> Simon: I'm not proud of what I've done.
>> Ruby: You've probably made women happy in a really weird way, and if they had to pay for it, so what?
>> Simon: But if they knew the price beforehand, I don't think they would have thought it was worth it.
>> Ruby: Then why do you do it?
>> Simon: I don't know. I guess it goes back to my childhood. I didn't come from a very loving family. So I became very cynical, and early on, I decided that I was just gonna take what I could from the world and never look back.
>> Ruby: You sound a lot like my father.
>> Simon: Really? Is he here or in Brazil?
>> Ruby: No, he's here.
>> Simon: Do I look like him?
>> Ruby: Why do you ask?
>> Simon: Well, they say that women fall in love with guys that look like their father.
>> Ruby: Well actually, there is a slight resemblance.
>> Simon: So is he in the trade, too?
>> Ruby: Why do you want to know? Afraid of the competition?
>> Simon: Do I look afraid?
>> Ruby: No, but I think you're a little rusty.
>> Simon: Rusty?
>> Ruby: Yeah, your technique. You struck out with that lily woman. I think maybe you need some warm-up exercises.
>> Simon: Maybe I do.
>> Ruby: So come on. Why don't you practice on me? I'll pretend that I'm rich and hungry.
>> Simon: What, you want to learn some of my trade secrets? Besides, I think my techniques are designed for other types of women.
>> Ruby: Oh, you mean, like lily, nice but naive?
>> Simon: Well, that's what I thought at first, but, you know, she ended up fooling me.
>> Ruby: See, you are rusty. Come on, make a move.
>> Simon: I already have.
>> Ruby: What?
>> Simon: Yeah. I bought you a drink, struck up conversation.
>> Ruby: That's simple, but hey, it works, right? We're talking. Now what?
>> Ruby: Oh, I love this song.
>> Simon: Good, because you know what happens next?
>> Ruby: What, there's more? All on the first date?
>> Simon: What, are you laughing at me?
>> Ruby: No, no, no. No, really, I'm impressed.
>> Simon: But are you ready?
>> Ruby: I'm ready. Wow. In the middle of the night that staring thing is really, really effective. I've never been on the receiving end. So, this is how it feels to be a mark, huh?
>> Simon: I don't know. I've never been on the receiving end, either.
>> Ruby: Always a scammer, never a scammee.
>> Simon: So, how does it feel?
>> Ruby: I don't want to be scammed.
>> Simon: We have both been all around the world looking for something, and when I came in tonight and saw you, I felt as if I had found it for the first time. When I look in your eyes, I see everything I've ever wanted.
>> Ruby: You're good. You're really good. If I didn't know any better, I would think you were telling the truth.

Scene 4:
[ Yo's ]
>> Ruby: You're still here?
>> Simon: Did you think I'd disappear?
>> Ruby: It's been known to happen.
>> Simon: But never to you, I bet.
>> Ruby: Is that a promise?
>> Simon: I gotta tell you, I have never found myself in this position before. Even when I was telling you all about myself before, about what I do for a living, I suddenly froze. I was like, "man, what are you doing? She could be an undercover cop or a pi or --"
>> Ruby: Me? Are you serious? That's funny.
>>Simon: What's funny is me telling you my life story. I came in here tonight just for a quiet drink. I've ended up finding a soul mate. Whoa. Whoa, did I just say that? Ouch.
>> Ruby: I know what you mean. What we do for a living is so lonely. We can never talk to anyone, 'cause we can't trust anyone.
>> Simon: It is lonely, 'cause no one completely understands us.
>> Ruby: I understand you. I want to hear everything you've never been able to say.
>> Simon: I want to know everything about you.
>> Ruby: You do?
>> Simon: From the moment you were born.
>> Ruby: Can we go somewhere? Somewhere to be alone?
>> Simon: Yeah.
>> Ruby: Yeah.

Scene 5:
[ Yo's ]
>> Simon: Okay, how about I -- listen, listen. I'll just meet you out in the car park.
>> What's the matter?
>> Simon: You know, the woman I was scamming, the one I was telling you about? Well, she's here.
>> Katie: Well, I'm surprised I found you.
>> Simon: Katie, what a surprise.
>> Katie: It certainly is. And don't tell me that you're Simon's cousin from Brazil? I thought you said you had a business meeting.
>> Simon: Katie --
>> Ruby: Business?
>> Simon: Why did you follow me here?
>> Ruby: Katie -- we've met before, haven't we?
>> Katie: Why are you with this tramp?
>> Simon: Not now. Stop.
>> Katie: I don't care who you think you are, but if you don't stop pawing my husband, I'm gonna introduce you to my fist.
>> Ruby: Your husband?


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April, 2001