EPISODE 4/12/01
Katie Learns About Simon's Wives

Home
Simonscript
April, 2001


THURSDAY, APRIL 12, 2001

Scene 1:
Location: Al's Diner

SIMON FRASIER AND CRAIG MONTGOMERY

>> Simon: Are you slumming it, Craig? Didn't think this was your type of place.
>> Craig: It isn't.
>> Simon: So why don't you take off? I'm in no mood for in-laws today.
>> Craig: That makes two of us. And I'm also not in the mood to trade insults. You think you could refrain?
>> Simon: Why should I?
>> Craig: I have had a very, very bad day.
>> Simon: Yeah, it looks like it.
>> Craig: I have a proposition for you. I've been set up. I want to find out who did it and why.
>> Simon: That sounds like a job for the cops.
>> Craig: No, the cops only arrest people. I want to annihilate 'em.

Scene 2:
Location: Burt's Garage
Scene: Shop area

HENRY COLEMAN AND KATIE PERETTI FRASIER

>> Henry: Ah, Katie, if the folks at woak could see us now.
>> Katie: I'm kind of busy, henry, so if you're here to chat, later.
>> Henry: I mean, here you are, a former news anchor, cleaning grease off of a carburetor, and living next to a garage with your hubby.
>> Katie: Is this about Simon? Did you finally find out something a little more concrete than some ancient idle rumor? Just because some person in Australia said that Simon left town because he planned to get married, why should I care? It's old news, big deal.
>> Henry: It's bigger than you think, Katie.
>> Katie: What do you mean? You found something out?
>> Henry: I hit pay dirt. But on second thought, maybe Simon wouldn't want me to share his deep, dark secrets. Who knows what you might do to him when you find out. Ciao!
>> Katie: No, no, no, tell me right now, or I'll rip out every hair in that head! So, did Simon get married or what?
>> Henry: Well, his chums were right. Simon did walk down the aisle before meeting you. But that's only the beginning. It gets a whole lot worse.

Scene 3:
Location: Burt's Garage
Scene: Shop area

HENRY COLEMAN AND KATIE PERETTI FRASIER

>> Katie: So Simon was married before me. It happens. He probably got drunk one night and ran off to Australia's version of Vegas.
>> Henry: Dingoville.
>> Katie: Anyway, it's not a real marriage if you get it annulled the next day and if you have such a big hangover, you can't even remember, which is obviously why he didn't tell me about it.
>> Henry: What a lovely story. Unfortunately, there's not a grain of truth in it. He was stone-cold sober.
>> Katie: Please don't tell me that Simon's still married to this woman. He's not a bigamist.
>> Henry: No, he's not a bigamist. It's a little trickier than that.
>> Katie: I'm not going to sit here and play 20 questions with you, Henry. Just give me a straight answer. Who is this woman, and what is her deal with Simon?
>> Henry: Deal, deal, deal -- that reminds of something. Oh, I know what it is. Our deal, Katie, remember, the one where I investigate, and you get a letter of recommendation for me from Craig. Where is it?
>> Katie: It's coming. But my brother did teach me not to settle a deal before I've seen the goods.
>> Henry: Fine. Well, at least this way I get to see your face when you hear the news.
>> Katie: I'm waiting.
>> Henry: Simon likes weddings. In fact, he likes 'em so much that he's been engaged seven times. And he's actually made it to the altar more than once. You see, Katie, you aren't the first Mrs. Frasier. You're not even the second Mrs. Frasier. You're the fifth.

Scene 4:
Location: Al's Diner

SIMON FRASIER AND CRAIG MONTGOMERY

>> Simon: Somebody set you up? That's a nice twist. So what exactly happened to poor, innocent Craig?
>> Craig: A couple of months ago, my son got taken by a two-bit con woman. Now, she's after me.
>> Simon: So, what, gullibility runs in the family?
>> Craig: No, it doesn't. She was comin' on to me like a hooker with a bad habit. I wasn't buyin'. I had everything under control.
>> Simon: Until?
>> Craig: Until tonight. I was ambushed. I was getting into my car, and up popped this girl, Ruby, wearin' nothing but a skirt and a smile. I'm pretty sure somebody with a camera coulda gotten a couple of frames off before I had time to react. The minute I got out of the car, they were gone.
>> Simon: She young, sexy?
>> Craig: Oh!
>> Simon: So let me ask you a question, Craig. Were you really set up, or are you just looking for me to cover up a little action that you took on the side?
>> Craig: I was set up. Pictures might suggest otherwise.
>> Simon: So why don't you explain them away with -- it's a novel idea, I know -- the truth?
>> Craig: Because my fiancee already found this ho in my suite. That's why the pictures would be difficult to explain.
>> Simon: Yeah, I can't argue with you there. So what do you expect me to do about it?
>> Craig: I want you to find out who Ruby was workin' with. She wasn't on her own.
>> Simon: No, no, no. No, thanks. I don't get involved in other people's problems 'cause -- you know what -- I got enough of my own.
>> Craig: Now, the last time I offered you a job, you balked. I understand that. I was asking you to break the law.
>> Simon: Yes, you were.
>> Craig: This is legal.
>> Simon: Not interested.
>> Craig: How can you turn down real money? You're living over a garage, eating rice and beans.
>> Simon: Oh, it's not for long, 'cause I'm leavin' town.
>> Craig: Fine, okay. But a one-way ticket back to Aussie will cost you more than you make in Burt's Garage in a month. Huh? Now, I need help, you need help. Plus, I'll tell you what -- the person behind this could be Lucinda Walsh.
>> Simon: Yeah, I wouldn't put it past the old crone.
>> Craig: So why don't we put our differences aside and nail her?
>> Simon: All right, I'll do it --
>> Craig: Exc --
>> Simon: -- But only on my terms.

Scene 5:
Location: Burt's Garage
Scene: Shop area

HENRY COLEMAN AND KATIE PERETTI FRASIER

>> Henry: Look, Katie, marriage licenses from all over the world. I'll read the names of the brides, and you tell me how many you count. Ilsa Frasier, Eleanor Frasier, Monique Frasier -- ooh-la-la -- and Conchetta Maria Concepcion-Frasier. I got four. How many did you get? Well, there was supposed to be a Nedira Frasier, but her daddy, the sheik, objected.
>> Katie: Who are all these women? This cannot be true.
>> Henry: Well, what do they say about marriage, "It's only a piece of paper"? Boy, they weren't kidding, huh? I'm sorry, Katie, but these licenses don't lie.
>> Katie: Yeah, well, somebody's lying.
>> Henry: Hmm. Oh, oh, if only I was still working at "The Intruder." What a headline this would make -- "Outraged wife number five, see story, page four."
>> Katie: You wouldn't dare. There has to be some explanation.
>> Henry: There is, Katie. Your husband traveled the world, and instead of collecting pewter teaspoons and antique chamber pots, he stocked up on wives and fiancees. But not to worry, all the marriages have been abruptly ended through divorce or annulment. You're the only current Mrs. Frasier, although, that probably won't last long.
>> Katie: Okay, these marriages could not have been Simon's idea. It was these wives. They probably pushed him into it. There's gotta be something they all have in common. Why don't these things have pictures?! They were desperate. They must have been desperate, and then along comes Simon, a sexy, hip guy. Who wouldn't want to marry him?
>> Henry: You have such a talent for missing the obvious. There is a common denominator that all of Simon's lovely ladies share -- money! Stacks and stacks of it.
>> Katie: They're all rich?
>> Henry: I hate to break this to you, Katie, but your sexy, hip hubby is nothing more than an old-fashioned gigolo.

Scene 6:
Location: Al's Diner

SIMON FRASIER AND CRAIG MONTGOMERY

>> Simon: So those are my terms. Hey, dirty work, even if it's legal, doesn't come cheap. And I want half the money up front.
>> Craig: No, forget that. I don't pay anything until I know who's behind this and I have all the photographs --
>> Simon: Then I don't do the job. Either I get something immediately for my labor up-front, or you can find someone else to play detective with.
>> Craig: All right. You and Katie can move into my suite in the Lakeview immediately. There's a room available, and I haven't been too happy with my sister's living conditions thus far.
>> Simon: Oh, yeah, we were really touched by your concern. Fine. It's as good a way as any to spend my last few days in town, so I accept.
>> Craig: Good. Good. Now, here's what you need to know about Ruby. She's early 20s, about 5'8", long auburn hair, Brazilian accent, legs with a life of their own. Not exactly a homebody, so she should be pretty easy to find.
>> Simon: All right, I'll start straight away. If I can't catch you at the suite, where can I reach you?
>> Craig: I'm not sure yet. I gotta get my fiancee out of the picture until I hear from you and before any of those photographs fall into the wrong hands.

Scene 7:
Location: Burt's Garage
Scene: Shop area

HENRY COLEMAN AND KATIE PERETTI FRASIER

>> Katie: Even if he was after these women because of their money, he's changed.
>> Henry: Changed from what, Katie, a man who came to town chasing down some diamond to a man who's staying in town so he can chase down the even more valuable Lily Snyder?
>> Katie: As much as I'd love to believe that Simon was only after Lily's money, I know differently. I know that he had feelings for her. And as much as I hate to admit it, she changed him. So if he ever was a --
>> Henry: A fancy man. That's what my grandmother used to call men in his line of work.
>> Katie: No, that's what I'm trying to tell you, Henry. Bilking women is not Simon's line of work. It's probably just something he was into because he was young and stupid. I mean, come on, if he was really into money, you think he'd be married to me?
>> Henry: Katie, he is married to you because he thought it would keep him here long enough to get Lily!
>> Katie: That's how it started, but now, it's something more. I'm not gonna stop trying to keep this marriage working just because Simon made a few wrong turns.
>> Henry: Well, when did you ever see marrying for money as making a few wrong turns?
>> Katie: What do you have against him?
>> Henry: Nothing. Personally, I would marry a toothless 90-year-old bearded woman if she had a fortune. But unfortunately, the European authorities don't share my sympathetic understanding of Simon's career choice. Seems like they feel a day isn't well-spent if they haven't issued at least one warrant against your husband.
>> Katie: For his arrest?
>> Henry: Well, yes. You should see all the lawsuits that have been filed against him.
>> Katie: Lawsuits?
>> Henry: Avoiding extradition is the only reason that he is here, Peretti.
>> Katie: Don't call me that. Katie Frasier is my name, and I'm proud of it.
>> Henry: Why are you so dead set on this guy? What does he have to offer?
>> Katie: He's good, and he's honest, and he's kind.
>> Henry: Oh, oh, how I long for the good old days before you had these silly stars in your eyes. Remember, Katie, WOAK, clawing your way to the top? You know, glomming on to Holden was at least good for your career, but glomming on to Simon for this?
>> Katie: There's more to life than getting ahead.
>> Henry: Since when? What has happened to your common sense, woman?
>> Katie: It was at WOAK that I had no common sense. I used to think that love and ambition could coexist. Boy, did I learn a big lesson. Yeah, Holden was way too good a man. We had nothing in common.
>> Henry: That's true. But why Simon? Why does he make the grade?
>> Katie: Have you ever spent any time with him? Have you ever kissed him?
>> Henry: I never kiss anyone with legs hairier than my own.
>> Katie: I'm gonna make Simon's life better. Maybe he did do all these terrible things that you said, but things are changing.
>> Henry: Gosh, who would have thought it? Katie "If you can't help me, I can't know you" Frasier has turned into little Katie the romantic.
>> Katie: Yeah, well, this time, I helped someone else. That someone else is my husband. And you know what? I'm gonna keep doing it.
>> Henry: Well, I'm sure he'll be so grateful.
>> Katie: See, Simon doesn't really know it yet, but I think he is ready to give up running around, and settle down, with me. He's a good man.
>> Henry: Hardly a flaw, except for that impressive list of wives. Come on, I know it bothers you, Katie. Why don't you just come right out and ask him?

SIMON FRASIER ENTERS

>> Simon: Well, well, hello, Mrs. -- Ah, what was your name when you showed up pregnant that time? You know what? I really don't care. What I want to know is what the hell you're doing here and how long until you leave.

Scene 8:

Location: Burt's Garage
Scene: Shop area

HENRY COLEMAN, KATIE PERETTI FRASIER, AND SIMON FRASIER

>> Henry: Oh, it's no mystery as to why I'm here, really. I'm just paying a social call.
>> Simon: What, to your old friend here? Yeah, the last time you two old buddies put your heads together, I wound up being the expectant father to a child that didn't exist. So what little plot are you hatching this time?
>> Katie: Nothing. No plot. He's really just here to say hello.
>> Simon: No, he isn't. So what are you after? What, tips on how to become a more convincing drag queen? Lessons on how to walk in high heels?
>> Henry: What, from her, the original charm school dropout? No. Oh, my goodness, look at the -- I gotta get going. So --
>> Simon: That's enough. Say ciao.
>> Henry: Right. Uh, cheerio!

SIMON FRASIER AND KATIE PERETTI FRASIER

>> Simon: I cannot stand that guy.
>> Katie: Yeah, I thought he'd never leave. Listen, why don't I get you a beer? We can sit down and talk. I have something I want to ask you.
>> Simon: Wait. I got something to tell you. We're getting out of this place.
>> Katie: "We"?
>> Simon: Yes. For some unknown reason, your brother has offered me a job and a place to stay at the Lakeview.
>> Katie: The Lakeview? You and me? Us at the Lakeview? And Craig offered you a job?
>> Simon: What, what, is there some kind of echo in here?
>> Katie: You know, I'm sorry. I'm just -- it's just too good. It's too good to be true. Which means that you're staying, right? I mean, that's what this means. You decided to stick around?

Scene 9:

Location: Burt's Garage
Scene: Shop area

KATIE PERETTI FRASIER AND SIMON FRASIER

>> Simon: Look, I'm only sticking around so I can make enough money to get away, far, far away from Oakdale. Okay? And once I can buy an airplane ticket, I'm outta here.
>> Katie: What about me? Where am I gonna go? Forget I said that. Never mind. I'm not gonna concentrate on that. I'm gonna concentrate on right now. We're moving to the Lakeview. You're taking me. Thank you, thank you, thank you. You don't know what this means to me.
>> Simon: It is on one condition, okay? That we stick to the rules. We're just roommates, and that's it.
>> Katie: That's it, sticking to the rules. I promise.
>> Simon: Good. And when I can make enough money, I'm gonna leave as planned. No arguments.
>> Katie: None.
>> Simon: Okay. Let's go start packing.
>> Katie: Do you know what this means? Thick sheets and marble bathrooms, and soft carpet under my feet. Oh, soft is good. You are good. Everything is good. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
>> Simon: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's just get the packing done.
>> Katie: Okay.
>> Simon: Okay? And what was it you wanted to ask me?
>> Katie: You know what? It can wait. It can wait, 'cause I can't wait to get out of this place as so as humanly possible. Good-bye, grease pit. Oh, did Craig say anything about free room service? Never mind.


Home
Simonscript
April, 2001